What did the doe say when she came out of the woods?
Thats the last time I do that for five Bucks.
Thats the last time I do that for five Bucks.
Stupid joke thread!
- Thread starter yyz
- Start date
Marriage - Part I
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the
wedding,
he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I
don't
expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table
unless I
tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing,
boozing
and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me
a
hard time about it. Those are my rules.
Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that
there
will be sex here at seven o'clock every night whether you're here or
not."
************************************
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads:
"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever."
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads:
"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last."
******************************
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast
table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed
either,"
and
storms out of the house.
After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and
rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the
irritated
husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
******************************************
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so
proud
of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite
of
her
objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go
home
and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts
at
the top of his voice, "Shall we go home "Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right
back,
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the
wedding,
he laid down the following rules:
"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I
don't
expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on table
unless I
tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing,
boozing
and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me
a
hard time about it. Those are my rules.
Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that
there
will be sex here at seven o'clock every night whether you're here or
not."
************************************
Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding
anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads:
"Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever."
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that
reads:
"Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last."
******************************
Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast
table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed
either,"
and
storms out of the house.
After sometime, he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and
rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the
irritated
husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
"In bed this early, doing what?"
"Getting a second opinion!"
******************************************
Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so
proud
of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite
of
her
objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go
home
and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts
at
the top of his voice, "Shall we go home "Mother of Six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right
back,
"Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."
At the end of a tiny deserted bar in midtown Atlanta sat a huge black man. He was having a few beers, when a short, well dressed, and obviously gay man walked in and sat beside him. After three or four beers, the gay man got the courage to say a few words to the big black man.
Leaning over towards him, he whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"
At this, the massive black man leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked the shit out of the gay man, knocking him off his stool. He proceeded to beat him all the way out of the bar, before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot, and returning to his seat.
Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the black man, and said, "I've never seen you react like that. What did he say to you?"
"I don't know," the black man replied. "Something about a job."
__________________
Leaning over towards him, he whispered, "Do you want a blow job?"
At this, the massive black man leaped up with fire in his eyes, and smacked the shit out of the gay man, knocking him off his stool. He proceeded to beat him all the way out of the bar, before leaving him bruised and battered in the parking lot, and returning to his seat.
Amazed, the bartender quickly brought over another beer to the black man, and said, "I've never seen you react like that. What did he say to you?"
"I don't know," the black man replied. "Something about a job."
__________________
What do Michael Jackson and McDonalds have in common?
Forty year old meat in between twelve year old buns.........
What do Michael Jackson and Kmart have in common?
Boys pants are half off. :mj07: :mj07:
Forty year old meat in between twelve year old buns.........
What do Michael Jackson and Kmart have in common?
Boys pants are half off. :mj07: :mj07:
Stupid jokes galore....
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.'" "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."
8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"
13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.
14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".
16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why," they asked, as they moved off. "Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ..(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good)..... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.
Anyone remember the Killer Joke from Monte Python.
I don't know it in it's original German.......
I don't know it in it's original German.......
Here one for you!!!!
A 75 year old man went to his doctor to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home
and bring me back a semen sample tomorrow".
The next day, the 75 year old man returned to the doctor's
office and gave him the jar, which was as clean
and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained,
"Well,doc, it's like this....First I tried with my
right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but
still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing.
She even tried with her mouth, first with the
teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even
called up Arlene, the lady next door, and she
tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even
tried squeez'n it between her knees, but still
nothing".
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor".
The old Man replied, "yep, but no matter what all 3 of us tried,
with our arthritis, we still couldn't get the jar open".
A 75 year old man went to his doctor to get a sperm count.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home
and bring me back a semen sample tomorrow".
The next day, the 75 year old man returned to the doctor's
office and gave him the jar, which was as clean
and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened, and the man explained,
"Well,doc, it's like this....First I tried with my
right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but
still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, then her left, still nothing.
She even tried with her mouth, first with the
teeth in, then with her teeth out, and still nothing. We even
called up Arlene, the lady next door, and she
tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even
tried squeez'n it between her knees, but still
nothing".
The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor".
The old Man replied, "yep, but no matter what all 3 of us tried,
with our arthritis, we still couldn't get the jar open".
Marry a girl with little hands....
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.It makes your pecker look bigger.
:mj07:
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.It makes your pecker look bigger.
:mj07:
Mother's Milk
Students in an advanced biology class were taking a mid term exam. The
last question was "Name seven advantages of mothers milk," worth 70
points, or none at all. One student, who had partied the night
before, was hard put to think of seven advantages.
He finally wrote:
1. It is a perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always available as needed.
4. It is always at the right temperature
5. It is inexpensive
6. It bonds the child to the mother, and vice versa.
And then, the student was stuck. Finally, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote.........................
7. It comes in such cute containers
(He got an "A.")
Students in an advanced biology class were taking a mid term exam. The
last question was "Name seven advantages of mothers milk," worth 70
points, or none at all. One student, who had partied the night
before, was hard put to think of seven advantages.
He finally wrote:
1. It is a perfect formula for the child.
2. It provides immunity against several diseases.
3. It is always available as needed.
4. It is always at the right temperature
5. It is inexpensive
6. It bonds the child to the mother, and vice versa.
And then, the student was stuck. Finally, just before the bell indicating the end of the test rang, he wrote.........................
7. It comes in such cute containers
(He got an "A.")
