- Mar 19, 2006
- 38,196
- 369
- 83
- 74
BY JAY BUSBEE
We're at the quarter-pole of the season ... well, almost; stupid new 17-game season. Anyway, everybody's in the swing of things now, so that means it's time to ask the hard questions of each team.
Arizona Cardinals: Kind of a good-news, bad-news situation, isn’t it, learning you’re nowhere near the worst team in the NFL after all?
Atlanta Falcons: You know you can just … get a different quarterback, right?
Baltimore Ravens: Winning big while pretty much your whole dang team is injured is pretty cool, isn’t it? Jerks.
Buffalo Bills: Admit it, you thought that opener against the Jets was a fourth preseason game, right?
Carolina Panthers: Have you considered joining the ACC?
Chicago Bears: Ever thought of just moving to San Antonio, changing your name and leaving all this behind?
Cincinnati Bengals: What the [expletive]? Seriously, y’all, what the [expletive]?
Cleveland Browns: Injuries are never a good thing, but aren’t you glad you don’t have to hear a new round of “Is Deshaun cooked?” questions this week?
Dallas Cowboys: Got that trash Cardinals loss out of your system? Good.
Denver Broncos: Be honest. Beating Chicago really shouldn't count as a full win, should it?
Detroit Lions: Hey, you guys usually don't get your third win of the season until, like, December! That's got to feel pretty weird, right? Like hearing Christmas carols in July. Not bad, mind you, just ... weird.
Green Bay Packers: Which headline do you prefer, “Where Is The Love?”, “Where Did Our Love Go?” or “You Give Love A Bad Name”?
Houston Texans: What does it feel like, getting a franchise QB from the draft? Asking for Carolina, the Jets, Chicago …
Indianapolis Colts: Anthony Richardson is pretty cool, can you maybe do, like, anything to keep him from getting pounded into paste?
Jacksonville Jaguars: Hope you enjoyed the trip overseas; you know you won’t be able to work remotely forever, right?
Kansas City Chiefs: Is she cool? Just tap your helmet once for yes and twice for no.
Las Vegas Raiders: You know that “Anyone can win!” is a way to lure suckers to your town, not a viable quarterback selection strategy, right?
Los Angeles Chargers: Wow. That was almost a whole new level of Chargering, wasn’t it?
Los Angeles Rams: Does Puka Nacua have any siblings you could sign? Like, 21 of them?
Miami Dolphins: Kind of sucks when you play an opponent who hits back, doesn’t it?
Minnesota Vikings: Is it possible that Kirk Cousins was trying to injure himself on that pick-6 tackle? I mean, he didn’t, and that’s good, but given the rest of this team, isn’t it at least possible?
New England Patriots: On the plus side, isn’t it nice to be able to start making plans in January again?
New Orleans Saints: Since nobody uses paper grocery bags anymore, will you put out a public service announcement asking fans not to use plastic for their upcoming Aints masks?
New York Giants: You’re already making plans for a “MetLife Stadium Champions 2023” banner, aren’t you?
New York Jets: What did you do to offend God? Might as well confess, it ain’t gonna get worse.
Philadelphia Eagles: Have your lawyers signed off on “Brotherly Shove” T-shirts and assorted other merch? ‘Cause if not, we’re going to step in and make a million bucks.
Pittsburgh Steelers: You’re going to make us wait all the way to January to see if you can keep this whole .500-or-better streak going, aren’t you?
San Francisco 49ers: Did you reserve your hotel rooms in Vegas for your February trip yet?
Seattle Seahawks: You’re wondering just how much time is left in the Geno Smith Renaissance too, aren’t you?
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: What kind of weird-ass Fountain of Youth are you dipping your quarterbacks in, anyway?
Tennessee Titans: Derrick Henry threw a touchdown every time he passed the ball on Sunday. Can you please start him at QB next week? Seriously, it’d be really funny.
Washington Commanders: Yeah, losing still stinks, but it’s better than having you-know-who looking on from the owner’s box, right?
Feel free to answer on behalf of your favorite team. See you tomorrow!
We're at the quarter-pole of the season ... well, almost; stupid new 17-game season. Anyway, everybody's in the swing of things now, so that means it's time to ask the hard questions of each team.
Arizona Cardinals: Kind of a good-news, bad-news situation, isn’t it, learning you’re nowhere near the worst team in the NFL after all?
Atlanta Falcons: You know you can just … get a different quarterback, right?
Baltimore Ravens: Winning big while pretty much your whole dang team is injured is pretty cool, isn’t it? Jerks.
Buffalo Bills: Admit it, you thought that opener against the Jets was a fourth preseason game, right?
Carolina Panthers: Have you considered joining the ACC?
Chicago Bears: Ever thought of just moving to San Antonio, changing your name and leaving all this behind?
Cincinnati Bengals: What the [expletive]? Seriously, y’all, what the [expletive]?
Cleveland Browns: Injuries are never a good thing, but aren’t you glad you don’t have to hear a new round of “Is Deshaun cooked?” questions this week?
Dallas Cowboys: Got that trash Cardinals loss out of your system? Good.
Denver Broncos: Be honest. Beating Chicago really shouldn't count as a full win, should it?
Detroit Lions: Hey, you guys usually don't get your third win of the season until, like, December! That's got to feel pretty weird, right? Like hearing Christmas carols in July. Not bad, mind you, just ... weird.
Green Bay Packers: Which headline do you prefer, “Where Is The Love?”, “Where Did Our Love Go?” or “You Give Love A Bad Name”?
Houston Texans: What does it feel like, getting a franchise QB from the draft? Asking for Carolina, the Jets, Chicago …
Indianapolis Colts: Anthony Richardson is pretty cool, can you maybe do, like, anything to keep him from getting pounded into paste?
Jacksonville Jaguars: Hope you enjoyed the trip overseas; you know you won’t be able to work remotely forever, right?
Kansas City Chiefs: Is she cool? Just tap your helmet once for yes and twice for no.
Las Vegas Raiders: You know that “Anyone can win!” is a way to lure suckers to your town, not a viable quarterback selection strategy, right?
Los Angeles Chargers: Wow. That was almost a whole new level of Chargering, wasn’t it?
Los Angeles Rams: Does Puka Nacua have any siblings you could sign? Like, 21 of them?
Miami Dolphins: Kind of sucks when you play an opponent who hits back, doesn’t it?
Minnesota Vikings: Is it possible that Kirk Cousins was trying to injure himself on that pick-6 tackle? I mean, he didn’t, and that’s good, but given the rest of this team, isn’t it at least possible?
New England Patriots: On the plus side, isn’t it nice to be able to start making plans in January again?
New Orleans Saints: Since nobody uses paper grocery bags anymore, will you put out a public service announcement asking fans not to use plastic for their upcoming Aints masks?
New York Giants: You’re already making plans for a “MetLife Stadium Champions 2023” banner, aren’t you?
New York Jets: What did you do to offend God? Might as well confess, it ain’t gonna get worse.
Philadelphia Eagles: Have your lawyers signed off on “Brotherly Shove” T-shirts and assorted other merch? ‘Cause if not, we’re going to step in and make a million bucks.
Pittsburgh Steelers: You’re going to make us wait all the way to January to see if you can keep this whole .500-or-better streak going, aren’t you?
San Francisco 49ers: Did you reserve your hotel rooms in Vegas for your February trip yet?
Seattle Seahawks: You’re wondering just how much time is left in the Geno Smith Renaissance too, aren’t you?
Tampa Bay Buccaneers: What kind of weird-ass Fountain of Youth are you dipping your quarterbacks in, anyway?
Tennessee Titans: Derrick Henry threw a touchdown every time he passed the ball on Sunday. Can you please start him at QB next week? Seriously, it’d be really funny.
Washington Commanders: Yeah, losing still stinks, but it’s better than having you-know-who looking on from the owner’s box, right?
Feel free to answer on behalf of your favorite team. See you tomorrow!
