Joke: A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant

[MadJack]

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a Gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.
'Oh my, I am so sorry,' the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. 'Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.'
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest.
After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!
'You know,' he said, 'you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?'
'No,' she replies. .. ....
(get ready)
'You just happened to catch my eye.'

 

[kickserv]

 

[The Joker]

 

[SixFive]

Guy rolls into town and needs some action. He's referred to Lisa by his buddy. His buddy tells him that Lisa isn't the best looking woman and she actually has a fake eye, but he won't be disappointed. The guy meets Lisa, and she entertains him fully. He's curious about the eye, so she pops it out, and he is eerily intrigued and requests her to "perform" without if for a bit. Lisa takes him to new heights, and he is utterly blown away by her. He's leaving in the morning, but he has been absolutely astonished by her, so he wants to make future plans. She gives him her phone number and tells him to give her a few days notice of when he will be back. They agree to the arrangement, and as he is leaving, she says to him, "I'll keep my eye out for you!"












👀

 

[Sportsaholic]

A guy walks into a bar. He sits down at the end of the bar, next to another guy, who was the only patron in the bar when he walked in. He talks to him for about 5 minutes then moves to the other end of the bar. The bar owner walks up to him and asks if he would like a drink. He orders a beer and says, "Man! That guy down there sure does complain alot. He thinks he's got it rough, but his life is easy!"

The bartender looks at him and says, "Hey, mister! I've seen you in here before. You're in here any day of the week at any time. Just what do you do for a living?"

The guy replies, "I make bets for a living. I'll show you. I'll bet you $5 I can bite my right eye!" The bartender looks at him and says, "OK, you're on."

The guy takes his glass eye out and clenches it between his teeth.

The bartender says, "I didn't know you had a glass eye. You win."

The guy then says, "I'll let you win your money back. I'll bet you $5 I can bite my left eye."

The bartender thinks for a moment and replies, "I know you're not blind so you can't have 2 glass eyes. OK, your on!" The guy then proceeds to take his false teeth out of his mouth and clamps them over his left eye. With this, the bartender says, "Hey buddy, you won again. As you can see,I don't do a lot of business in here. I can't afford to make any more bets with you."

The guy replies, "I'll tell you what. I'll give you a guaranteed way to win your money back. I'll bet you $10 that I can walk 6 feet away and pee in this bottle, which I'll leave here on the bar. I won't miss a drop. I won't even hit the rim, it will go right in the bottle."

After a few minutes of thought, the bartender says, "There's no way! You're on!"

The guy walks 6 feet from the bar, drops his pants and pees all over everything. He pees on the bar, the stools and the floor. He doesn't even come close to hitting the bottle, let alone getting it in the bottle. With this, the bartender starts laughing and exclaims, "Ahah! I knew you couldn't do it. I won my back my $10!!!" Just then, the guy at the other end of the bar passes out. The bartender looks down at him and says, "What happened to him?"

The guy replies, "Oh, he'll be alright. I just bet him $1000 that I could piss all over you and your bar and you'd laugh about it."



:0003

 

[BigFatLooza]

 

[REFLOG]

Eye cant stop laughing :facepalm:

 

[Cricket]

eye yi yi

 

[fatdaddycool]

Is this what we can expect on a regular basis now with the recent bannings?

Sent from my SM-G928P using Tapatalk

 

[gardenweasel]

Duck walk into a pharmacy and asks for a Chapstick. The pharmacist asks how he intends to pay for it. The duck says, "Put it on my bill."

 

[BuckwheatJWN]

Back in the 60's I went into a southern restaurant with a "colored" friend, the waitress said "I'm sorry sir, but we don't serve COLORED people" His reply, "That's okay, I don't eat them."

I then asked if they served ROASTED DUCK. She gave me a strange look and said ,"NO." I replied "GOOD, I always get stuck with the BILL."

 

[Sportsaholic]

Three couples went in to see the minister to see how to become members of his church. The minister said that they would have to go without sex for two weeks and then come back and tell him how it went. The first couple was retired, the second couple was middle-aged and the final couple was newlywed.

Two weeks went by, and the couples returned to the minister. The retired couple said it was no problem at all. The middle-aged couple said it was tough for the first week, but after that, it was no problem. The newlyweds said it was fine until she dropped the can of paint. "Can of PAINT!" exclaimed the minister. "Yeah," said the newlywed man. "She dropped the can and when she bent over to pick it up I had to have her right there and then. Lust took over." The minister just shook his head and said that they were not welcome in the church. "That's okay," said the man. "We're not welcome in Home Depot either."



:0003

 

[Scrapman]

omg really these are best you can come up with!


here we go best ever quickies

Whats the difference between a porcupine and a BMW?

The Porcupine has the PRICKS on the Outside!

 

[Scrapman]

Why did Mickey mouse Put Minny mouse in the nut house?


A: She was fucking GOOFY!

 

[Scrapman]

What do priest and christmas trees have in common?


A: Thier balls are for decoration!:mj07:

 

[Scrapman]

Why did all the toys throw raggeddy Ann Out of toy Box?

A: She kept sitting on pinnochio's face screaming lie to me LIEEEEEEEEEEEE TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

:lol:

 

[Scrapman]

How do you know dumb blonde was on puter?

A: White out used on screen!!!

 

[Scrapman]

Two guys sitting in row boat have pack of cigs but no lighther how did the light up?


A: Threw one cig overboard making the Boat a cigarett LIGHTER!!!


:facepalm:

 

[Scrapman]

Man walks into a bar owner has horse in there Man says I bet you $50 i can make your horse laugh!

Owner says your on!


walks to horse whispers in it's ear horse whiniessss laughing!

Wins bet .......... Now he says i bet YOU $100 i'll make him cry!

Bar owner says ok.

Walks horse in bathroom seconds later horse comes out balling.



Bar owner says ok how did you do that!

Guys says 1st i told him my cock was bigger than his!

OK bar owner wtf did you do in bathroom?

I showed him !!!


:mj07:

 

[REFLOG]

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
''Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?''
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ''Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?''
''I have no idea, but every time I talk to a woman with boobs like yours, she seems to appear out of nowhere.''