Naval Officer training is now available over the internet. This first increment covers the skills to become a Surface Warfare Officer. In the near future Naval Aviator training will be offered on-line, but students must provide their own crash helmet, monkey, and football. All you have to
do to become an Officer is complete the at-home training curriculum in the following pipelines:
>
1. Navigator: Tie a brick around your neck and stare out the living room window for hours at a time. Call your father every time a car passes by your house. Take bearings to random streetlights.
2. First Lieutenant: Muster the kids out in the backyard. Tell them to paint the house haze gray. When your 10 year old spills a gallon of paint in the pool, reduce him in age to 9 and cut his allowance. ******************* this is me**************
3. Combat Information Center Officer (CICO): Turn off all the lights in
> the house and put the A/C on high. Put earmuffs on all the kids and make them sit in front of a blank TV screen for 8 hours at a time. Berate them when they can't figure out a Speed Of Advance (SOA) to get from the
kitchen to the downstairs bathroom instantaneously. Resort to several years of intensive psychotherapy.
4. Systems Test Officer (STO): Strut around the house ranting to anyone you see in a rare form of ancient Gaelic. When they don't understand, chuckle and tell them that the toaster and the microwave "just aren't
talking."
5. Fire Control Officer (FCO): Follow around STO. Randomly nod in agreement.
6. Main Propulsion Assistant (MPA): Pour your lawnmower's gasoline can into the pool. Run around the house three times, then throw 12 rolls of toilet paper into the pool. Finally, pull out the phone book and call
every person in the neighborhood and tell them "it was only a cup's worth." Resort to heavy drinking.
7. Weapons Officer: Make the whole family shoot the family shotgun into the pool. Roll out the garden hose to the front lawn and spray any suspicious visitors including your neighbors and the mailman. Tell Grandma
she can't come in to visit the kids because she's not on the access list.
8. Electrical Officer: Lie around the house, occasionally get up and walk to the basement to trip random circuit breakers and time how long it takes for STO to find his way there in the dark.
9. Anti Submarine Warfare Officer: About once every year, throw a cucumber into the pool. Put on a blindfold and tie your hands behind your back with a small garden hose. Dive in and try to find the cucumber using only your mouth. Have the kids fire green flares at you every ten minutes.
10. Supply Officer (SUPPO): Walk from bedroom to bedroom with magical
bottomless cup of coffee in hand. Skillfully bring fellow housemates'misfortunes to the forefront to steer conversation away from the fact that they are forced to use saran wrap as underwear while waiting for the
standard 3 week laundry turnaround period to expire.
11. Damage Control Assistant: Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night, jump up and get dressed as fast as you can making sure you button up the top button on your shirt and stuff your pants into your
socks. Close every door in the house, then run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.
12. Combat Systems Officer: See FCO
************** 13. Operations Officer: Climb to the highest point of the house and jump off headfirst into the driveway. Trust me, its better this way. ********* (this is my boss)
14. Executive Officer: Every so often, throw the cat in the pool and shout "Man overboard, starboard side" Then run into the house and sweep all the pots and dishes off the counter. Yell at the wife and kids for not having the kitchen "secured for sea."
15. Chief Engineer: Crawl into a sleeping bag and tie it off at its end. Have the kids beat you mercilessly with wiffleball bats while your wife yells at you through a megaphone "Engineering Casualty, Engineering
Casualty."
16. Aft Steering Officer: Climb into the cabinet under your sink, invite three of your closest friends. Bring a flashlight along to watch the walls. Tell old high school stories to try and keep each other awake.
this my friends, is more true than you could possibly imagine, at least on the ship i am on.
do to become an Officer is complete the at-home training curriculum in the following pipelines:
>
1. Navigator: Tie a brick around your neck and stare out the living room window for hours at a time. Call your father every time a car passes by your house. Take bearings to random streetlights.
2. First Lieutenant: Muster the kids out in the backyard. Tell them to paint the house haze gray. When your 10 year old spills a gallon of paint in the pool, reduce him in age to 9 and cut his allowance. ******************* this is me**************
3. Combat Information Center Officer (CICO): Turn off all the lights in
> the house and put the A/C on high. Put earmuffs on all the kids and make them sit in front of a blank TV screen for 8 hours at a time. Berate them when they can't figure out a Speed Of Advance (SOA) to get from the
kitchen to the downstairs bathroom instantaneously. Resort to several years of intensive psychotherapy.
4. Systems Test Officer (STO): Strut around the house ranting to anyone you see in a rare form of ancient Gaelic. When they don't understand, chuckle and tell them that the toaster and the microwave "just aren't
talking."
5. Fire Control Officer (FCO): Follow around STO. Randomly nod in agreement.
6. Main Propulsion Assistant (MPA): Pour your lawnmower's gasoline can into the pool. Run around the house three times, then throw 12 rolls of toilet paper into the pool. Finally, pull out the phone book and call
every person in the neighborhood and tell them "it was only a cup's worth." Resort to heavy drinking.
7. Weapons Officer: Make the whole family shoot the family shotgun into the pool. Roll out the garden hose to the front lawn and spray any suspicious visitors including your neighbors and the mailman. Tell Grandma
she can't come in to visit the kids because she's not on the access list.
8. Electrical Officer: Lie around the house, occasionally get up and walk to the basement to trip random circuit breakers and time how long it takes for STO to find his way there in the dark.
9. Anti Submarine Warfare Officer: About once every year, throw a cucumber into the pool. Put on a blindfold and tie your hands behind your back with a small garden hose. Dive in and try to find the cucumber using only your mouth. Have the kids fire green flares at you every ten minutes.
10. Supply Officer (SUPPO): Walk from bedroom to bedroom with magical
bottomless cup of coffee in hand. Skillfully bring fellow housemates'misfortunes to the forefront to steer conversation away from the fact that they are forced to use saran wrap as underwear while waiting for the
standard 3 week laundry turnaround period to expire.
11. Damage Control Assistant: Set your alarm clock to go off at random during the night, jump up and get dressed as fast as you can making sure you button up the top button on your shirt and stuff your pants into your
socks. Close every door in the house, then run out into the backyard and uncoil the garden hose.
12. Combat Systems Officer: See FCO
************** 13. Operations Officer: Climb to the highest point of the house and jump off headfirst into the driveway. Trust me, its better this way. ********* (this is my boss)
14. Executive Officer: Every so often, throw the cat in the pool and shout "Man overboard, starboard side" Then run into the house and sweep all the pots and dishes off the counter. Yell at the wife and kids for not having the kitchen "secured for sea."
15. Chief Engineer: Crawl into a sleeping bag and tie it off at its end. Have the kids beat you mercilessly with wiffleball bats while your wife yells at you through a megaphone "Engineering Casualty, Engineering
Casualty."
16. Aft Steering Officer: Climb into the cabinet under your sink, invite three of your closest friends. Bring a flashlight along to watch the walls. Tell old high school stories to try and keep each other awake.
this my friends, is more true than you could possibly imagine, at least on the ship i am on.
