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Fat Pat's Sports Humor
Duke Lacrosse, Anna Benson, M.C. Hammer?
The Duke University lacrosse team has been embroiled in a headline-grabbling scandal after three players were accused of rape by a black exotic dancer who was hired to perform at a team party. The case has become a hot-button issue but is really a case of misunderstanding according to team captain Tommy Hansen. ?All these finger pointers have to recognize that many of us on this team came to this elite white university from elite white closed communities in New England,? explained Hansen. ?The accused individuals had simply never seen a person with dark skin before. The so-called sex was really just these guys probing her to see if she was a different species or something. They now realize that there are in fact humans who don?t have white skin and the players regret the events that transpired. Nevertheless, all this talk about jail and stuff is ridiculous, Thomas Jefferson did almost the same thing and he became President of the U.S.?
The U.S. basketball squad has announced its plans to train in Las Vegas for the 2008 Beijing Olympics. Some have questioned the decision to base the training in a city so full of temptations, but Coach Mike Krzyzewski clarified, ?Vegas really is the ideal spot for this group of guys. In Sin City, my guys can satisfy all their carnal fantasies in a legal and controlled environment. Of course I?m sure the guys will just make the Bunny Ranch their permanent hotel, but it?s better than getting caught up with maids in a normal hotel right??
Scandalous baseball wife Anna Benson has filed from divorce from her husband, Orioles pitcher Kris Benson. Anna has rumored that Kris cheated on her but she will not live up to her past promise of sleeping with everyone on Kris? team in revenge. ?Instead, I think I?ll just continue being a complete public slut and I think that will annoy Kris just as much,? promised Anna. ?Once I?ve had my revenge, I?m gonna look for a stable relationship with a faithful family man who will be a gentleman and always treat me like a lady. I really think Dennis Rodman would be a great husband for me.?
The NBA has stated its intention to begin banning the tights that some players wear on the court. One famous tight wearer, Dwayne Wade of the Heat, has spoken out against the restriction. ?This ban is absurd. Does David Stern think I?m gonna start shaving my legs before EVERY game?! Don?t these guys understand that I have to market myself out their on the court and in order to do so I need to look 100% fabulous? Next they?ll start banning earrings, mascara, and acrylic nails.?
Phili Eagles linebacker Dhani Jones was charged with a misdemeanor last week for refusing to stop dancing outside of a South Beach Miami club even after he was demanded to stop by Miami cops. A very irked Jones remarked, ?We can?t dance after scoring a touchdown. We can?t dance in the street. Where can we dance? It?s like a Gestapo that has formed against dancers in this country. Now is the time that try dancers? souls and us dancers need to stick together. That is why myself, Chad Johnson, M.C. Hammer, and that gay guy from River Dance have created the National Dancing Federation to help fight for our right to dance!?
Fat Pat's Sports Humor
Duke Lacrosse, Anna Benson, M.C. Hammer?
The Duke University lacrosse team has been embroiled in a headline-grabbling scandal after three players were accused of rape by a black exotic dancer who was hired to perform at a team party. The case has become a hot-button issue but is really a case of misunderstanding according to team captain Tommy Hansen. ?All these finger pointers have to recognize that many of us on this team came to this elite white university from elite white closed communities in New England,? explained Hansen. ?The accused individuals had simply never seen a person with dark skin before. The so-called sex was really just these guys probing her to see if she was a different species or something. They now realize that there are in fact humans who don?t have white skin and the players regret the events that transpired. Nevertheless, all this talk about jail and stuff is ridiculous, Thomas Jefferson did almost the same thing and he became President of the U.S.?
The U.S. basketball squad has announced its plans to train in Las Vegas for the 2008 Beijing Olympics. Some have questioned the decision to base the training in a city so full of temptations, but Coach Mike Krzyzewski clarified, ?Vegas really is the ideal spot for this group of guys. In Sin City, my guys can satisfy all their carnal fantasies in a legal and controlled environment. Of course I?m sure the guys will just make the Bunny Ranch their permanent hotel, but it?s better than getting caught up with maids in a normal hotel right??
Scandalous baseball wife Anna Benson has filed from divorce from her husband, Orioles pitcher Kris Benson. Anna has rumored that Kris cheated on her but she will not live up to her past promise of sleeping with everyone on Kris? team in revenge. ?Instead, I think I?ll just continue being a complete public slut and I think that will annoy Kris just as much,? promised Anna. ?Once I?ve had my revenge, I?m gonna look for a stable relationship with a faithful family man who will be a gentleman and always treat me like a lady. I really think Dennis Rodman would be a great husband for me.?
The NBA has stated its intention to begin banning the tights that some players wear on the court. One famous tight wearer, Dwayne Wade of the Heat, has spoken out against the restriction. ?This ban is absurd. Does David Stern think I?m gonna start shaving my legs before EVERY game?! Don?t these guys understand that I have to market myself out their on the court and in order to do so I need to look 100% fabulous? Next they?ll start banning earrings, mascara, and acrylic nails.?
Phili Eagles linebacker Dhani Jones was charged with a misdemeanor last week for refusing to stop dancing outside of a South Beach Miami club even after he was demanded to stop by Miami cops. A very irked Jones remarked, ?We can?t dance after scoring a touchdown. We can?t dance in the street. Where can we dance? It?s like a Gestapo that has formed against dancers in this country. Now is the time that try dancers? souls and us dancers need to stick together. That is why myself, Chad Johnson, M.C. Hammer, and that gay guy from River Dance have created the National Dancing Federation to help fight for our right to dance!?
