betED.com - The View from the Couch - by Gavin McDougald!
July 5th, 2006 - Change the Beautiful Game
Over the years, I have discovered that nothing drives soccer aficionados more crazy than having the perceived-as-uninformed chirp their two-cents every four years on how to make the game if not better, at least palatable. Once upon a time, the national Canadian Soccer Federation petitioned the sports network I was with to have me fired after a column I wrote about fixing the World Cup. Fortunately, unlike the soccer folks, my boss kept both his head, and me.
So - if you are one of these aforementioned aficionados, better stop reading now, ?cause this soccer moron has a number of completely radical ideas to save your troubled game.
And saved it must be. Unlike other major sports where a rule or two is tweaked to improve the quality of play for the fans, in soccer?s case, such changes are required because it will stop people from dying.
These days fans are dropping faster than the Italian national team ? except in their cases ? they ain?t bouncing back up! Just before the semi-finals started, the worldwide death toll hit fifty (50) folks! Sure, some were from natural causes. A 25-year old South Korean died after suffering a heart attack watching his country play Switzerland. A Ghanaian man took a dirt nap after Ronaldo scored his first goal in Brazil's win over Ghana. Then there was the not so natural: In Japan, a 60-year old man hung himself after his team lost to Germany. Then there?s the downright unnatural: In Kenya, a man died after being stabbed during a fight over the Iran-Portugal game. The stabbing took place in the Feel Good Bar in Nyaribo.
A little less than half of these deaths were due to scraps over official?s calls, rules or the dreaded shoot out.
So, for humanity?s sake, let?s fix this sucker up.
First ? In the days where everything is televised, why doesn?t Sepp Blatter, the head of the F?d?ration Internationale de Football Association (FIFA), institute instant replay? Here?s a game that is played on a field that is roughly the size of Rhode Island, and there?s one referee-guy running around, trying to make a call on every ball, every infraction, every goal, every handball, all while winded.
Why not give the ref a break. Why not have him worry about the little stuff, like keeping players from bitch-slapping one another (a full-time occupation), and give the remainder of the calls to technology.
Since there are hi-def cameras following everything, put some men in the booth to make the controversial calls. That would result in fewer mistakes, less international outrage, and a significant drop in the carnage.
Second ? the size of the field must be shrunk. That thing makes the CFL?s field look like a tennis court. During Tuesday?s semi-final between Italy and Germany, the extra-time period was so exciting, with the play going end to end, the British commentator said, ?it?s like there?s no midfield.? Ex-frikin-zactly! Cut some of the nonsense that goes on around the middle and all of a sudden you have a game were scoring a goal is not a rare event.
The results of this would be, scoring would go up, shootouts would go down, and bar brawls would be minimized.
Third ? Suspend players instantly for any infraction that is proven to be either A) dirty, or B) a dive. There is a lot tougher game out there called Rugby. That sport has a simple rule when it comes to the nonsense we?ve all been enduring this past month. If a rugby player is caught - they are suspended for a year. The result is there is almost none of the crap in that game that makes a grown sports fan wince while watching soccer. Having the game played clean would lead to peace and harmony amongst men ? and cut down on those annoying civil wars.
Weirdly enough, Sepp does want to change the rules regarding the yellow cards. However, instead of it taking two to get a player kicked out ? he wants to raise the number to three. That?s precisely the wrong thing to do. FIFA actually are going to make soccer softer ? which if you?ve been following the games, I suspect you are like me and would have considered that to be impossible.
?and finally, this last one is directed straight at those soccer aficionados I mentioned at the top, who have by now hopefully all tuned out:
No offense soccer guys (get it? Soccer = No offense. Never mind, you had to be there) but please, pull your collective heads out of your lofty behinds. Listening to you wax poetic about the ?Beautiful Game? with all its inherent complexities and strategy isn?t only sick making, it?s hilarious.
The reason soccer is the most popular sports in the world isn?t because it?s tough to understand or play. Just the opposite in fact. Anyone, and I do mean anyone, can pick up this game in a few minutes. As for covering it, just leave the ignorant North American ink stained wretches alone would ya. These guys and girls study far more complicated games for a living; therefore, after being forced to watch your game for a month, I?m pretty sure they are just about as expert at commenting on the game as you. Probably more so since they are by definition, detached. Very detached?
?and they won?t become attached for another four years.
That?s when you?ll have another lecture to look forward to.
Cheers - Gavin McDougald - AKA Couch
July 5th, 2006 - Change the Beautiful Game
Over the years, I have discovered that nothing drives soccer aficionados more crazy than having the perceived-as-uninformed chirp their two-cents every four years on how to make the game if not better, at least palatable. Once upon a time, the national Canadian Soccer Federation petitioned the sports network I was with to have me fired after a column I wrote about fixing the World Cup. Fortunately, unlike the soccer folks, my boss kept both his head, and me.
So - if you are one of these aforementioned aficionados, better stop reading now, ?cause this soccer moron has a number of completely radical ideas to save your troubled game.
And saved it must be. Unlike other major sports where a rule or two is tweaked to improve the quality of play for the fans, in soccer?s case, such changes are required because it will stop people from dying.
These days fans are dropping faster than the Italian national team ? except in their cases ? they ain?t bouncing back up! Just before the semi-finals started, the worldwide death toll hit fifty (50) folks! Sure, some were from natural causes. A 25-year old South Korean died after suffering a heart attack watching his country play Switzerland. A Ghanaian man took a dirt nap after Ronaldo scored his first goal in Brazil's win over Ghana. Then there was the not so natural: In Japan, a 60-year old man hung himself after his team lost to Germany. Then there?s the downright unnatural: In Kenya, a man died after being stabbed during a fight over the Iran-Portugal game. The stabbing took place in the Feel Good Bar in Nyaribo.
A little less than half of these deaths were due to scraps over official?s calls, rules or the dreaded shoot out.
So, for humanity?s sake, let?s fix this sucker up.
First ? In the days where everything is televised, why doesn?t Sepp Blatter, the head of the F?d?ration Internationale de Football Association (FIFA), institute instant replay? Here?s a game that is played on a field that is roughly the size of Rhode Island, and there?s one referee-guy running around, trying to make a call on every ball, every infraction, every goal, every handball, all while winded.
Why not give the ref a break. Why not have him worry about the little stuff, like keeping players from bitch-slapping one another (a full-time occupation), and give the remainder of the calls to technology.
Since there are hi-def cameras following everything, put some men in the booth to make the controversial calls. That would result in fewer mistakes, less international outrage, and a significant drop in the carnage.
Second ? the size of the field must be shrunk. That thing makes the CFL?s field look like a tennis court. During Tuesday?s semi-final between Italy and Germany, the extra-time period was so exciting, with the play going end to end, the British commentator said, ?it?s like there?s no midfield.? Ex-frikin-zactly! Cut some of the nonsense that goes on around the middle and all of a sudden you have a game were scoring a goal is not a rare event.
The results of this would be, scoring would go up, shootouts would go down, and bar brawls would be minimized.
Third ? Suspend players instantly for any infraction that is proven to be either A) dirty, or B) a dive. There is a lot tougher game out there called Rugby. That sport has a simple rule when it comes to the nonsense we?ve all been enduring this past month. If a rugby player is caught - they are suspended for a year. The result is there is almost none of the crap in that game that makes a grown sports fan wince while watching soccer. Having the game played clean would lead to peace and harmony amongst men ? and cut down on those annoying civil wars.
Weirdly enough, Sepp does want to change the rules regarding the yellow cards. However, instead of it taking two to get a player kicked out ? he wants to raise the number to three. That?s precisely the wrong thing to do. FIFA actually are going to make soccer softer ? which if you?ve been following the games, I suspect you are like me and would have considered that to be impossible.
?and finally, this last one is directed straight at those soccer aficionados I mentioned at the top, who have by now hopefully all tuned out:
No offense soccer guys (get it? Soccer = No offense. Never mind, you had to be there) but please, pull your collective heads out of your lofty behinds. Listening to you wax poetic about the ?Beautiful Game? with all its inherent complexities and strategy isn?t only sick making, it?s hilarious.
The reason soccer is the most popular sports in the world isn?t because it?s tough to understand or play. Just the opposite in fact. Anyone, and I do mean anyone, can pick up this game in a few minutes. As for covering it, just leave the ignorant North American ink stained wretches alone would ya. These guys and girls study far more complicated games for a living; therefore, after being forced to watch your game for a month, I?m pretty sure they are just about as expert at commenting on the game as you. Probably more so since they are by definition, detached. Very detached?
?and they won?t become attached for another four years.
That?s when you?ll have another lecture to look forward to.
Cheers - Gavin McDougald - AKA Couch
