Hello girls. Lookin' for some Cow Pies?
Welp, it?s that time of year when them key handicappin? techniques what you?ve finally got dialed in become damn near worthless. I mean, not only is home field importance less than it?s been all year, but with some teams havin? nuthin? left to play for, but pride and professionalism, things have a tendency to getta little squirrelly. Ya see what I?m sayin??
Fear not, fellow speculator, for I, Unholycow shall funnel you through the morass. That reminds me; where in the hell is that flask?
BAL +1? @ TB 34
I don?t like this game much, but do not be alarmed. I can?t stand Southern Comfort neither, but I kicked the crap out of it last night, so . . .
The Bucs are an unbelievable 22-3 to the number at home when not giving more than 4 points. 22-3! Plus they?re 12-1 at home in December, so yuz may wanna check the calendar, too.
Obviously, this is a big game for the Ravens. I mean, there?s only two games left and they ain?t in the playoffs yet, so it?s big, ya follow? But it is absolutely huge for TB! They hold the final NFC spot, but the G-men, Falcons and Saints are on their ass like a cheap overcoat.
I?m just spinnin? my wheels. If I had to play it, I?d be on the under, because frankly, I think Dungy is gunna somehow get the W, but I can?t for the life of me figure out how they?re gunna score. I?ll call 6-3 TB. BUCCANEERS ?1?
IND +13 @ STL 59
And no, I ain?t touchin? ?this? total.
The key for me in this one is the Rams penchant for playing better defense against better offensive teams. After allowing the lowly Panthers to hang around last week, I suspect the Colts are gunna get buried. RAMS ?13
MIN +12 @ GB 40
Apparently, Chris Carter has become so disgusted with the effort of the Vikings that he no longer considers hisself the team?s captain; basically leaving that position to Randy Moss. As a sign of solidarity and to show support for their new leader, the entire team took last week off.
Will the Purple continue to tank it for the remainder of the season? Should we lay the 12 like we were gawdam rookie squares? I gotta admit, the temptation is great. Then again, temptation is always great, ain?t it? (Check this out) Hey, Jack! Hold on to this packa Winstons for me, will ya? VIKINGS +12
AZ +1 @ CAR 39?
Don?t do it, man. Don?t you even think about backin? this favorite, are you kiddin? me?
Arizona has copped the W in 4 of their last 6 games, whereas the chalk what you seem so enamored with has dropped, lemme see, thirteen freakin? games in a row! Get aholda yourself, Boris. Just because a thing is a little squirrelly, don?t mean yuz gotta lose all you?re senses. Layin? 13 with the Rams is Badenov.
It seems his logic is moosing, Natasha. You had better keep an eye on the little guy. CARDINALS +1
BUF +7 @ NYJ 37
The Jets have won seven games this year by 7 points or fewer; do I hear eight? How ?bout drank? Drunk? BILLS +7
CHI ?5? @ DET 39?
Unbelievably, I like the kitties quite a bit in this spot. I got home dogs with a losing record what are coming offa blowout loss at almost 68% against the spread. And I dunno if this can be right, but it says home dogs at .200 or less vs. a team offa a win have covered 33 of the last 41 times. Christ, I hope I got a credit card what?s worth somethin? around here. LIONS +5?
CLE +6? @ TEN 37?
Statistically, these two teams both play much better at home. A month ago, they played in Cleveland and the Tits won by 16 points. You do the math. TITANS ?6?
KC +4? @ JAX 40
I?ll be honest with yuz for a change. I couldn?t find nuthin? on teams what?re coming home after 3 consecutive upset wins on the road, but I gotta admit, I?m impressed. JAGUARS ?4?
ATL +7 @ MIA 38?
I?ve been seein? some ?cappers what I respect like the utmost layin? the wood in this one and I?m thinking . . . what in the hell is wrong with them losers. FALCONS +7
PIT ?7? @ CIN
I love the freakin? Steelers, okay? They seem to be the only team in the league that?s on the kinda late-season roll that usually ends up with a Super Bowl ring. And Cincy may be the only team with more infighting going on than the Vikings. The QB is throwing INTs at an alarming rate and screaming at his receivers. The receiver is dropping touchdown passes and screaming back. Peter Warrick catches a punt at the 3-yard line and gets pissed off at the coach. What the hell is this, Jerry Springer?
In spite of all that, I think this is the week the Steelers are taking off. BENGALS +7?
SF ?6 @ DAL 40
Call me Gomer and send me to Waikiki, but I feel the same way about the Niners as I did about Pittsburgh. I wish like hell that my memory worked, but I swear, good coaches what?ve clinched the playoffs by this point in the season always seem to take a breather in the second to the last game. I mean, don?t they? COWBOYS +6
NYG +5 @ PHI 35
My numbers made the Eagles 5?, so I got that goin? for me. And home favorites of 3 or more what scored less than 7 last week are 35-13 ATS. EAGLES ?5
OAK +1 @ DEN 41
What team does Mike Shannahan hate more than any other team? And with an extra week to prepare. BRONCOS ?1
SEA +1? @ SD 39
I went to my Cow Pow digits again for this one and they spit back SD ?4?. Acourse, Seattle?s quarterback has won his last 13 starts, so be careful. CHARGERS ?1?
WAS +5 @ NO 40
Its probably just me, but when I see a favorite what just gave up 48 points to the Buccaneers, well . . . WHERE THE HELL IS MY MONEY CLIP!
Plus, bein? Unholycow and all I, you know, find the Saints insufferable. REDSKINS +5
May each and every one of you have the very best of luck this weekend (except for Cobra, acourse).
Uh, shouldn?t somebody get marine outta that tree?
BARTENDER!
Welp, it?s that time of year when them key handicappin? techniques what you?ve finally got dialed in become damn near worthless. I mean, not only is home field importance less than it?s been all year, but with some teams havin? nuthin? left to play for, but pride and professionalism, things have a tendency to getta little squirrelly. Ya see what I?m sayin??
Fear not, fellow speculator, for I, Unholycow shall funnel you through the morass. That reminds me; where in the hell is that flask?
BAL +1? @ TB 34
I don?t like this game much, but do not be alarmed. I can?t stand Southern Comfort neither, but I kicked the crap out of it last night, so . . .
The Bucs are an unbelievable 22-3 to the number at home when not giving more than 4 points. 22-3! Plus they?re 12-1 at home in December, so yuz may wanna check the calendar, too.
Obviously, this is a big game for the Ravens. I mean, there?s only two games left and they ain?t in the playoffs yet, so it?s big, ya follow? But it is absolutely huge for TB! They hold the final NFC spot, but the G-men, Falcons and Saints are on their ass like a cheap overcoat.
I?m just spinnin? my wheels. If I had to play it, I?d be on the under, because frankly, I think Dungy is gunna somehow get the W, but I can?t for the life of me figure out how they?re gunna score. I?ll call 6-3 TB. BUCCANEERS ?1?
IND +13 @ STL 59
And no, I ain?t touchin? ?this? total.
The key for me in this one is the Rams penchant for playing better defense against better offensive teams. After allowing the lowly Panthers to hang around last week, I suspect the Colts are gunna get buried. RAMS ?13
MIN +12 @ GB 40
Apparently, Chris Carter has become so disgusted with the effort of the Vikings that he no longer considers hisself the team?s captain; basically leaving that position to Randy Moss. As a sign of solidarity and to show support for their new leader, the entire team took last week off.
Will the Purple continue to tank it for the remainder of the season? Should we lay the 12 like we were gawdam rookie squares? I gotta admit, the temptation is great. Then again, temptation is always great, ain?t it? (Check this out) Hey, Jack! Hold on to this packa Winstons for me, will ya? VIKINGS +12
AZ +1 @ CAR 39?
Don?t do it, man. Don?t you even think about backin? this favorite, are you kiddin? me?
Arizona has copped the W in 4 of their last 6 games, whereas the chalk what you seem so enamored with has dropped, lemme see, thirteen freakin? games in a row! Get aholda yourself, Boris. Just because a thing is a little squirrelly, don?t mean yuz gotta lose all you?re senses. Layin? 13 with the Rams is Badenov.
It seems his logic is moosing, Natasha. You had better keep an eye on the little guy. CARDINALS +1
BUF +7 @ NYJ 37
The Jets have won seven games this year by 7 points or fewer; do I hear eight? How ?bout drank? Drunk? BILLS +7
CHI ?5? @ DET 39?
Unbelievably, I like the kitties quite a bit in this spot. I got home dogs with a losing record what are coming offa blowout loss at almost 68% against the spread. And I dunno if this can be right, but it says home dogs at .200 or less vs. a team offa a win have covered 33 of the last 41 times. Christ, I hope I got a credit card what?s worth somethin? around here. LIONS +5?
CLE +6? @ TEN 37?
Statistically, these two teams both play much better at home. A month ago, they played in Cleveland and the Tits won by 16 points. You do the math. TITANS ?6?
KC +4? @ JAX 40
I?ll be honest with yuz for a change. I couldn?t find nuthin? on teams what?re coming home after 3 consecutive upset wins on the road, but I gotta admit, I?m impressed. JAGUARS ?4?
ATL +7 @ MIA 38?
I?ve been seein? some ?cappers what I respect like the utmost layin? the wood in this one and I?m thinking . . . what in the hell is wrong with them losers. FALCONS +7
PIT ?7? @ CIN
I love the freakin? Steelers, okay? They seem to be the only team in the league that?s on the kinda late-season roll that usually ends up with a Super Bowl ring. And Cincy may be the only team with more infighting going on than the Vikings. The QB is throwing INTs at an alarming rate and screaming at his receivers. The receiver is dropping touchdown passes and screaming back. Peter Warrick catches a punt at the 3-yard line and gets pissed off at the coach. What the hell is this, Jerry Springer?
In spite of all that, I think this is the week the Steelers are taking off. BENGALS +7?
SF ?6 @ DAL 40
Call me Gomer and send me to Waikiki, but I feel the same way about the Niners as I did about Pittsburgh. I wish like hell that my memory worked, but I swear, good coaches what?ve clinched the playoffs by this point in the season always seem to take a breather in the second to the last game. I mean, don?t they? COWBOYS +6
NYG +5 @ PHI 35
My numbers made the Eagles 5?, so I got that goin? for me. And home favorites of 3 or more what scored less than 7 last week are 35-13 ATS. EAGLES ?5
OAK +1 @ DEN 41
What team does Mike Shannahan hate more than any other team? And with an extra week to prepare. BRONCOS ?1
SEA +1? @ SD 39
I went to my Cow Pow digits again for this one and they spit back SD ?4?. Acourse, Seattle?s quarterback has won his last 13 starts, so be careful. CHARGERS ?1?
WAS +5 @ NO 40
Its probably just me, but when I see a favorite what just gave up 48 points to the Buccaneers, well . . . WHERE THE HELL IS MY MONEY CLIP!
Plus, bein? Unholycow and all I, you know, find the Saints insufferable. REDSKINS +5
May each and every one of you have the very best of luck this weekend (except for Cobra, acourse).
Uh, shouldn?t somebody get marine outta that tree?
BARTENDER!
