Back by popular request, here are . . .
THE TOP TEN REASONS WHY WE DON?T WIN EVERY WEEK
Number Ten: The Chalk ~ Always layin? the pipe will get ya a burial at sea, eventually. Face it, you?re bettin? with the public, buddy, and you should know that ?that? ship is gunna be goin? down. It always has and it probably always will. Look at it this way. When yuz take the points, you don?t even have to win the freakin? game, man! It can almost feel like cheatin? sometimes. In the wordsa my old friend, Small Change, ?Lay the women, take the points.?
Number Nine: The Streak ~ I?m talkin? hot, not cold. It don?t take too long to realize you gotta back off when you?re losin?, but beware the roll, baby. It too can be a killer. As soon he thinks he knows everything about ?capping, the hot player surely will become slothful in his technique. Don?t ride in this fellas sedan, ya savvy? For he is surely gunna crash.
Number Eight: The Bargain ~ Too many of us let our dames worry about the price of things. I mean, when we see somethin? we want, damn it, we buy it! Well, that dinghy don?t float in the mighty ocean of sports wagering, fellas. There?s no defense for gettin? half-pointed, simply because you didn?t shop for the best number. Tell ?em, girls. You better shop around.
Number Seven: The Follow-up ~ There are reasons that teams win or lose and the player oughtta be aware of ?em. It?s valuable to know whether you have a hangover because you were right last night, or that you simply got lucky. It can help not only with the team?s next game, but it?ll eventually hone your ?capping skills by pointing out the flaws in your methodologies.
Number Six: The Emphasis ~ Be careful not to fall in love, either with one dame or with one particular element of handicapping. These games ain?t portraits, fellas. They?re freakin? puzzles with a thousand pieces. Tryta look at ?em all, okay? By the way, I was only kiddin? girls. For some fellas, I?m sure that fallin? head over heels for the right broad is ... well ... great! Just great.
Number Five: The Glut ~ When there?s a lotta action on the board, like this weekend, you can easily spread yourself too thin. Insteada handicapping 15 games well, we often end up ?cappin? 60 games poorly. And that ain?t too cool.
Number Four: The Impulse ~ Just like at the grocery store, the player?s gotta be judicious concerning them impulse buys. I mean, be honest, did you really want that packa Bubblicious?
Number Three: The Action ~ I got no problem with a guy who bets a boatloada games, so long as he did all the work involved. However, if?n yuz ain?t got the time or the appetite for a full plate, you may wanna consider playin? an odd number of games each day. I mean, if yuz play two games there?s only one way to be a winner, right? Nail both them sunzabitches, ya see what I?m sayin?? You gotta hit a hundred percent of your plays! You split ?em, pal, and you?re drinkin? the booze what?s in the gun for the night. And ya know why? It?s ?cause for that day, you?re a loser. On the other hand ... you have different fingers. I mean, conversely speaking, if the player has action on five games, he can coppa profit by hitting a mere 60% of ?em. Nuthin? to it, huh? Yo, bartender! Gimme a Beefeater on the rocks!
Number Two: The Man ~ Regardlessa how friendly your man is to you, remember this: He?s a vampire, a scoundrel, a dirty rat bastid. The bookmaker is your enemy, fellas. Don?t trust him for a second. Keep meticulous recordsa all your bets and let the sucker know that you do it. Bookies, by nature, think all players are chumps. Anda lotta these bums got no scruples whatsoever, neither. Let him tell the next guy he only had a push instead of a win, not you. You got the hook and you know that he knows that you know it too, because you have always verified the number you were betting and kept exquisite records of your plays.
And the number one reason that we don?t win every week ...
The Lure ~ Keep the drum roll goin? a sec, Ginger. Before revealing this, the greatest of all sports gambling secrets, I must begin with the following disclaimer.
Do as I say, not as I do, ya follow?
Now, the most important lesson that I can pass along to you about makin? dough in this racket is this:
STAY OUTTA THEM GAWDAM INTERNET CASINOS! It seems like every joint has ?em, anymore. And ya wanna know a secret?
They?re killin? me, Jerry! They?re killin? me!
THE 2001 WORLD SERIES
Okay, here we go. Let me start by sayin? that I musta changed my mind fifty times on this series. Seriously! I felt like my ex-wife tryin? to decide what to wear to the track on Sunday.
Now it?s crunch time and I?ve finally made my decision.
I think I?ll go with the tight powder blue sweater, gray capri slacks and the spiked heels.
?When I began playin? the game, baseball was about as gentlemanly as a kick in the crotch.?
~~ Ty Cobb
I believe this is gunna be one helluva series, fellas. I wish I had more time to expound, but I barley got time to get to the bar and expound down a few highballs as it is.
ARIZONA (Series) +130
ARIZONA (Schilling) ?135
Hey, I hate the Stripes, what can I say?
?I was thinking about making a comeback until I pulled a muscle --- vacuuming.?
~~ Johnny Bench
I'll be back in an hour with the Breeder's Cup. My choices are whattaya call . . . evolving.
