'Twas the night before Christmas and I really think
That the only thing stirring was the straw in my drink.
As I studied my numbers for the next day's football,
By the chimney a sweatsock hung alone on the wall.
A hooker named Vixen was asleep in my bed,
She'd danced in my pants until Stanley was dead.
When up on the roof I heard a loud noise,
I wondered was it a thief, or was it one of the boys?
So I went to the window and looked up towards the sky,
And what should I see, but this freakin' fat guy?
With a red suit and boots the went up to his knees,
I was boozed but I swear it was Dom Deluise.
He had a big sled bein' pulled by reindeer,
He called one of them Dancer, so I assumed he was queer.
As he crept 'cross my roof it became clear to me,
That son of a bitch planned to lift my TV!
Over his shoulder he had a big sack,
As he came down my chimney I planned my attack.
I patiently waited 'til the timing seemed ripe,
Then Whack! On the head, botta bing, with a pipe!
He fell to the floor with a groan and a thud,
I was kinda surprised that I didn't see blood.
Then, he rolled over and looked me in the eye,
When I seen who I whacked, I near started to cry.
Shit! Sorry Santa, will you be alright?
He just called me some names and said, "This ain't my night."
"I got lost outside Philly, ran over two nuns,
Comet's stopped up, Cupid has the runs."
"I've been workin' my ass off, really bustin' my hump.
Now I can't continue, feel the size of this lump!
I can't go on, so it's up to you now,
You gotta take over, gotta be Santa Cow."
I told him, "You're nuts! Find someone sober to ask!"
He just winked, as he took a long pull off his flask.
Then he made me an offer that I couldn't refuse.
He said, "Visit each house... except for the Jews."
So I grabbed his big sack and got into his suit,
Put my smokes in a pocket and a pint in a boot.
And then I took off, didn't wanna be late,
While old Nick spent the night hosin' my date.
Yeah, that night I was Santa, bringin' kids joy and bliss,
And if you don't believe me, hey, jingle this!
Since then I've with him, each year in the cold,
Riding shotgun with Santa, 'cause he's fat and he's old.
Yeah, I'm St. Nick's assistant, his number one guy,
So on this Christmas morning, don't you be surprised,
If you hear my drunk voice in between some loud moos,
"Merry Christmas to allayuz! Hey! Where's my booze?"
That the only thing stirring was the straw in my drink.
As I studied my numbers for the next day's football,
By the chimney a sweatsock hung alone on the wall.
A hooker named Vixen was asleep in my bed,
She'd danced in my pants until Stanley was dead.
When up on the roof I heard a loud noise,
I wondered was it a thief, or was it one of the boys?
So I went to the window and looked up towards the sky,
And what should I see, but this freakin' fat guy?
With a red suit and boots the went up to his knees,
I was boozed but I swear it was Dom Deluise.
He had a big sled bein' pulled by reindeer,
He called one of them Dancer, so I assumed he was queer.
As he crept 'cross my roof it became clear to me,
That son of a bitch planned to lift my TV!
Over his shoulder he had a big sack,
As he came down my chimney I planned my attack.
I patiently waited 'til the timing seemed ripe,
Then Whack! On the head, botta bing, with a pipe!
He fell to the floor with a groan and a thud,
I was kinda surprised that I didn't see blood.
Then, he rolled over and looked me in the eye,
When I seen who I whacked, I near started to cry.
Shit! Sorry Santa, will you be alright?
He just called me some names and said, "This ain't my night."
"I got lost outside Philly, ran over two nuns,
Comet's stopped up, Cupid has the runs."
"I've been workin' my ass off, really bustin' my hump.
Now I can't continue, feel the size of this lump!
I can't go on, so it's up to you now,
You gotta take over, gotta be Santa Cow."
I told him, "You're nuts! Find someone sober to ask!"
He just winked, as he took a long pull off his flask.
Then he made me an offer that I couldn't refuse.
He said, "Visit each house... except for the Jews."
So I grabbed his big sack and got into his suit,
Put my smokes in a pocket and a pint in a boot.
And then I took off, didn't wanna be late,
While old Nick spent the night hosin' my date.
Yeah, that night I was Santa, bringin' kids joy and bliss,
And if you don't believe me, hey, jingle this!
Since then I've with him, each year in the cold,
Riding shotgun with Santa, 'cause he's fat and he's old.
Yeah, I'm St. Nick's assistant, his number one guy,
So on this Christmas morning, don't you be surprised,
If you hear my drunk voice in between some loud moos,
"Merry Christmas to allayuz! Hey! Where's my booze?"
