Damn Skippy

[Senor Capper]

A classic .........


Skippy

A woman goes to her boyfriends' parents'
house for dinner. This is to be her first time
meeting the family and she is very nervous. They all sit down
and begin eating a fine meal.

The woman is beginning to feel a little discomfort,
thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli casserole. The gas
pains are almost making her eyes water.

Left with no other choice, she decides to relieve
herself a bit and lets out a dainty fart. It wasn't loud, but
everyone at the table heard the pouf. Before she even had
a chance to be embarrassed,
her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that
had been snoozing at the woman's feet and said in a rather
stern voice,
"Skippy!".

The woman thought, "This is great!" and a big smile came
across her face. A couple of minutes later, she was
beginning to feel the pain again. This time, she
didn't even hesitate. She let a much louder and longer fart rip.

The father again looked and the dog and yelled,
"Dammit Skippy!"

Once again the woman smiled and thought "Yes!". A
few minutes later the woman had to let another one rip. This
time she didn't even think about it. She let rip a fart that rivaled
a train whistle blowing. Once again, the father looked at the dog
with disgust and yelled, "Dammit Skippy, get away from her before she shits on you!"

 

[Senor Capper]

Software Packages

Software Packages

Software Packages



FROM A FEMALE PERSPECTIVE:

Dear Tech Support:

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a slowdown in the performance of the flower and jewellery applications that had operated flawlessly under the Boyfriend 5.0 system.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as Romance 9.9, but installed undesirable programs such as NFL7.4, ESPN 3.2 and Major League Baseball 4.1.
Conversation 8.0 also no longer runs and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. I've tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear Desperate,

First, keep in mind that Boyfriend 5.0 was an entertainment package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Try to enter the command: C:/I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME and install Tears 6.2. Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications: Guilt 3.3 and Flowers 7.5. But remember, overuse can cause Husband 1.0 to default to such background applications as Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
Please remember that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will create Snoring Loudly.WAV files.
DO NOT install Mother-in-law 1.0 or reinstall another Boyfriend program. These are not supported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.
It could also potentially cause Husband 1.0 to default to the program:
Girlfriend 9.2, which runs in the background and has been known to introduce potentially serious viruses into the Operating System.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have a limited
memory and can't learn new applications quickly.
You might consider buying additional software to enhance his system performance. I personally recommend Hot Food 3.0 and Budweiser 4.5 combined with such applications as Boob Job 36D and that old standby --
Lingerie 6.9
(which have both been credited with improved performance of
his hardware).

Good Luck,
Tech Support
***************************************************************************
FROM A MALE PERSPECTIVE:

Eighteen months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Barfly4.2,
which I'd used for years without any trouble.
However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products, and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications, such as Guys Nite Out 3.1, Football 2.0 and Playboy 6.1. Successive versions of Girlfriend have proved no better. A shareware beta-programme, Party Girl 2.1 had many bugs and left a virus in my system,
forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks. Eventually I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to all my hardware.
Sensing a way out, I upgraded to Fianc? 1.0 only to discover that this product has to be upgraded to Wife 1.0. I did this largely because, whilst Wife 1.0 uses up all available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSex Plus and Cleanhouse 2000. However, I discovered that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. For example, any mistakes I
made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted.
Not only that, they then re-surfaced months later.
Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail porn filter, and can, without warning, launch Hot Tongue 2.1 and Cold Shoulder 4.2. These latter products have no helpfiles and require you to try and guess the problem yourself. Additional costly problems are that the Wife 1.0 bundle that came with the original system needs updating regularly, requiring Shoe Shop Browser Pro for new attachments, and Hairstyle Express needs to be
reinstalled every other week.
Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law, which can't be turned off.

 

[Senor Capper]

Just Go With The Flow

Just Go With The Flow

Top 15 Euphemisms for Women "Getting their Period"


15. Miss Scarlet's Come Home to Tara

14. Trolling for Vampires

13. A Dishonorable Discharge from the Uterine Navy

12. Saddlin' Ole' Rusty

11. Feelin' Mestru-riffic

10. Clean-up in Aisle One

9. Massacre at the Y

8. T-Minus 9 Months and Holding

7. Game Day for the Crimson Tide

6. "Pantie Shields Up, Captain"

5. Taking Carrie to the Prom

4. Playing the Banjo in St. Zygote's Ragtime Band

3. Ordering le'Omelette Rouge

2. Arts and Crafts Week at Pantie Camp

1. Rebooting the Ovarian Operating System

 

[1837]

Thanks for the laugh Senor! :lol:

 

[Senor Capper]

What a difference a few years make.

What a difference a few years make.

 

[Senor Capper]

Breast Fed


A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining
room, waiting for the doctor to come in. The doctor
arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight and
asked if the baby was breast fed or bottle fed.
"Breast fed" she replied. "Well, strip down to
your waist," the doctor ordered. She did. He
pressed, kneaded and pinched both breasts for a
while in detailed examination. Motioning to her to get
dressed he said, "No wonder this baby is hungry.
You don't have any milk."
"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came!"

 

[Senor Capper]

 

[Senor Capper]

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when
her neighbor peered over the fence.

Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was doing, he politely asked, "What are you up to there, Nancy?" "My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully, without looking up," and I've just buried him."

The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of earth then replied,
"That's because he's inside your ****ing cat."

 

[Senor Capper]

 

[Senor Capper]

??

 

[AR182]

Wow! This is an unbelievable thread.Senor Capper,is your real name Shecky Greene ?

I can't believe how David Lee Roth has deteriorated.Is this what drugs do to a person?

My favorites are the Skippy joke & the software package.Very funny.I may borrow them & send to a few friends.
If I get some time.I will put up a few jokes.

Keep them coming.

 

[Senor Capper]

Basic Bar Terminology

1. "YOU GET THIS ONE, NEXT ROUND IS ON ME."
(We won't be here long enough to get another round.)

2. "I'LL GET THIS ONE, NEXT ONE IS ON YOU."
(Happy hour is about to end... drafts are now a dollar,
but by the next round they'll be $4.50 a pop.)

3. "HEY, WHERE IS THAT GIRL FRIEND OF YOURS?"
(I have no interest in talking to you except as a way
to have sex with your girl friend.)

4. "I'LL HAVE A GLASS OF WHITE ZINFANDEL."(FEMALE)
(I'm easy.)

5. "I'LL HAVE A GLASS OF WHITE ZINFANDEL." (MALE)
(I'm gay.)

6. "I'LL HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN." (FEMALE)
(I'm really easy.)

7. "I'LL HAVE A WHITE RUSSIAN." (MALE)
(I'm really gay.)

8. "I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME." (FEMALE)
(You're paying more attention to your friends than to me.)

9. "I DON'T FEEL WELL, LET'S GO HOME." (MALE)
(I'm horny.)

10. "WHO'S GOT THE NEXT ROUND?"
(I haven't bought a round in almost 3 years,
but I am an expert at diverting attention.)

11. "EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO MALE)
(Get the hell out of the way.)

12. "EXCUSE ME." (MALE TO FEMALE)
(I am going to grope you now and blame it on the crowd.)

13. "EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO MALE)
(Don't even think about groping me, just get the hell out
of my way.)

14. "EXCUSE ME." (FEMALE TO FEMALE)
(Move your fat ass. Who do you think you are anyway?
You're certainly not all that, Miss Thing, coming in here
dressed like a hoochie... And get your eyes off of my man,
or I'll slap you like the slut you are.)

15. "WHAT DO YOU HAVE ON TAP?"
(What's cheap?)

16. "EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (MALE TO FEMALE)
(I am even willing to drink tequila if it means that I get
to lick you.)

17. "EVER TRY A BODY SHOT?" (FEMALE TO MALE)
(If this is how wild I am in the bar, can you imagine what
I'll do to you in bed?)

18. "THAT PERSON LOOKS REALLY FAMILIAR."
(Did I sleep with him/her?)

19. "CAN I JUST GET A GLASS OF WATER?" (FEMALE)
(I am really annoying, but cute enough to get away with this.)

20. "I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (FEMALE)
(I'm 19.)

21. "I DON'T HAVE MY ID ON ME." (MALE)
(I don't have a license since I got pulled over by the cops
for being stoned after my last visit here.)