The Darwin Awards
> > >
> > > These get scarier and scarier every year. They are finally out
> > > again. You all know about the Darwin Awards - It's an annual
> > > honour given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest
> > > service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid
> > > way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke
> > > machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to
> > > tip a free soda out of it.
> > >
> > > And the nominees are:
> > >
> > > 9. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk
> > > cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol,
> > > mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him
> > > ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This
> > > resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both
> > > him and his sister.
> > >
> > > 8. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his
> > > home died of suffocation, according to police. He was
> > > approximately 6'2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a
> > > pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a
> > > woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a
> > > schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas
> > > mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose
> > > attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected
> > > to one end of a hollow wooden tube approx. 12" long and 3" in
> > > diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his rectum for
> > > reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police
> > > found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to
> > > his family very awkward.
> > >
> > > 7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low
> > > altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they
> > > decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost
> > > control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found
> > > dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.
> > >
> > > 6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no
> > > details before arriving, except that someone had reported that
> > > his father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found
> > > the man face down on the couch naked. When she rolled him over to
> > > check for a pulse and to start CPR, she noticed burn marks
> > > around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and removed the man -
> > > who was declared dead on arrival at the hospital - the police
> > > made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that the man
> > > had made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the couch
> > > over, they discovered what had caused his death. Apparently, the
> > > man had a habit of putting his penis between the cushions, down
> > > into the hole and between two electrical sanders (with the
> > > sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons). According to the story,
> > > after his orgasm the discharge shorted out one of the sanders,
> > > electrocuting him.
> > >
> > > 5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a
> > > highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously
> > > injuring her passenger and killing herself. As a commonplace
> > > road accident, this would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination,
> > > were it not for the fact that the driver's attention had been
> > > distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring (pocket animal), which had
> > > started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an
> > > attempt to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's
> > > life, the woman lost her own.
> > >
> > > 4. A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried
> > > to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad
> > > trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker,
> > > taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one
> > > foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink
> > > Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police
> > > spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his
> > > car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had
> > > assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and
> > > the ground" Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of
> > > death was "Major trauma".
> > >
> > > 3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that
> > > he and a friend were laying a game of catch, using the rattlesnake
> > > as a ball. The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards
> > > candidate was hospitalised.
> > >
> > > 2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed
> > > the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the
> > > building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition;
> > > lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two
> > > technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering
> > > the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the
> > > dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses
> > > later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching
> > > into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette
> > > lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in
> > > the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles
> > > away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was
> > > virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected
> > > of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by
> > > his peers.
> > >
> > > The latest nominee for this year's Darwin Award goes to....
> > > 1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt
> > > Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the
> > > local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone
> > > are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and
> > > dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of
> > > his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with
> > > Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the
> > > mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of
> > > pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez,
> > > the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off
> > > the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the
> > > scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during
> > > the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and
> > > remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was
> > > compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of
> > > the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to
> > > injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just
> > > purchased from the pro-shop, and was using to balance himself.
> > > Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the
> > > remaining threesome were asked to leave the course.
> > >
> > > These get scarier and scarier every year. They are finally out
> > > again. You all know about the Darwin Awards - It's an annual
> > > honour given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest
> > > service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid
> > > way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke
> > > machine which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to
> > > tip a free soda out of it.
> > >
> > > And the nominees are:
> > >
> > > 9. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk
> > > cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol,
> > > mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him
> > > ill, and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This
> > > resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both
> > > him and his sister.
> > >
> > > 8. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his
> > > home died of suffocation, according to police. He was
> > > approximately 6'2" tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a
> > > pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes, and a
> > > woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a
> > > schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gas
> > > mask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose
> > > attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected
> > > to one end of a hollow wooden tube approx. 12" long and 3" in
> > > diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his rectum for
> > > reasons unknown, and was the cause of his suffocation. Police
> > > found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to
> > > his family very awkward.
> > >
> > > 7. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low
> > > altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they
> > > decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost
> > > control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found
> > > dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.
> > >
> > > 6. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no
> > > details before arriving, except that someone had reported that
> > > his father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found
> > > the man face down on the couch naked. When she rolled him over to
> > > check for a pulse and to start CPR, she noticed burn marks
> > > around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and removed the man -
> > > who was declared dead on arrival at the hospital - the police
> > > made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that the man
> > > had made a hole between the cushions. Upon flipping the couch
> > > over, they discovered what had caused his death. Apparently, the
> > > man had a habit of putting his penis between the cushions, down
> > > into the hole and between two electrical sanders (with the
> > > sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons). According to the story,
> > > after his orgasm the discharge shorted out one of the sanders,
> > > electrocuting him.
> > >
> > > 5. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a
> > > highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously
> > > injuring her passenger and killing herself. As a commonplace
> > > road accident, this would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination,
> > > were it not for the fact that the driver's attention had been
> > > distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring (pocket animal), which had
> > > started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an
> > > attempt to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's
> > > life, the woman lost her own.
> > >
> > > 4. A 22-year-old Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried
> > > to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad
> > > trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker,
> > > taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one
> > > foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink
> > > Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police
> > > spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his
> > > car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had
> > > assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and
> > > the ground" Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of
> > > death was "Major trauma".
> > >
> > > 3. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that
> > > he and a friend were laying a game of catch, using the rattlesnake
> > > as a ball. The friend - no doubt a future Darwin Awards
> > > candidate was hospitalised.
> > >
> > > 2. Employees in a medium-sized warehouse in west Texas noticed
> > > the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the
> > > building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition;
> > > lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two
> > > technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering
> > > the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the
> > > dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses
> > > later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching
> > > into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette
> > > lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in
> > > the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles
> > > away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was
> > > virtually untouched by the explosion. The technician suspected
> > > of causing the blast had never been thought of as 'bright' by
> > > his peers.
> > >
> > > The latest nominee for this year's Darwin Award goes to....
> > > 1. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt
> > > Sanchez tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the
> > > local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone
> > > are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and
> > > dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of
> > > his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with
> > > Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the
> > > mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of
> > > pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez,
> > > the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off
> > > the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance, and the
> > > scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during
> > > the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and
> > > remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was
> > > compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of
> > > the washer, and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to
> > > injury, Sanchez broke a new $300.00 driver that he had just
> > > purchased from the pro-shop, and was using to balance himself.
> > > Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the
> > > remaining threesome were asked to leave the course.
