Hi. Howya doin'?
It's been horribly humdrum of late here in Bovinia. I played nine games last week and while I may not of deserved a positive outcome from these plays, I certainly did not deserve this! 4-4-1! Are you freakin' kiddin' me? That makes 8-8-1 over the last two weeks, fellas, and I'm so gawdam bored with myself that I've been eating like a freakin' horse! Fortunately, I've been losin' my ass in the bases or I'd be big as a house by now. Anyway, the Cow Pies are now a very pedestrian 19-14-2 for the year.
Hey! Where's my double-order of nachos?
TEN -1? @ NE 40?
As beat up as the Patriots seem to be, I had to curb the urge to play a little road chalk in this one. Tennessee's physical style might be too much for the New Englanders to handle. But I leave that for others to ponder. I see better opportunities available. PASS
CIN +8 @ BUF 39
Fresh offa that upset win in Cleveland, the Stripes still look undervalued to me and I'm looking for another strong effort from them here. Former Bengals coach Dick LeBeau will be an interested party as a Bills assistant, and one of his best former Bengals, Takeo Spikes, will be key in getting Buffalo's defense back on track. Unfazed by this knowledge, I stagger onward. BENGALS +8 Power Pie
So I wake up a coupla mornings ago to this radio ad expounding the virtues of this health club what's right down the street from me. It was incredibly cheap and seemed to be catering to the slightly older, slightly over-weight and slightly vain men in the area. As I got out of bed, I checked myself out in the full-length. Horrors! I was stunned, fellas. So I did the only logical thing I could think of. I threw on my sweatshirt, sweatpants and sneakers and drove directly over to the bar. Whew. It was horrifying.
MIA +1 @ NYG 37?
The Dolphins have the more powerful running game with a rested Ricky Williams, but the Giants have had equal time off and feature a much more balanced offense. It should be one helluva game. I can hardly wait to read about it. PASS
SEA +2 @ GB 45
Seahawks coach Mike Holmgren and defensive coordinator Ray Rhodes both used to be leaders of the Pack, and quarterback Matt Hasselbeck once held the league's easiest job -- backup to Brett Favre. All three men should be pumped up for a return to Lambeau, but the Packers also have the ex-team X-factor working for them.
The best Packer this season hasn't been Favre -- it's former Seahawk Ahman Green, who might be the league's fastest running back. He is completely healthy and is coming off his best career game. Will he keep the momentum going against the team that traded him in 2000 for immortals Fred Vinson and Tim Watson?
I have no idea, but I can almost see Favre winning this one late, can't you? PASS
OAK -4 @ CHI 43
I'm still a Raider fader, fellas, but it ain't never been tougher than this. I mean, I think I've figured out why they call Chicago "The Windy City." It's because the Bears suck so hard!
Be that crocka crap as it may, allow me to reiterate. I am still a Raider fader, see? And if yuz don't like it you can blow me. BEARS +4
NO +6? @ CAR 37?
To me, this looks like the classic matchup between "We have got to freakin' win this one" and "Wow! Can you believe we're still undefeated?" I'm tellin' ya, it's "Tightening up the belt" versus "Thumbs in the suspenders." It's "The gnashing teeth of hunger" and "The open-mouthed yawn of contentment." I would go on, but... I bet even the boobs amongst ya get my drift. SAINTS +6?
MIN -4? @ ATL 43
Now while summayuz might be simple enough to think this game oughtta be 'capped the same as the preceding one, I'm here to give you the real dope. Them units with the purple helmets ain't no stiffs. After a brief period of foreplay I expect they'll pound them birds mercilessly. VIKINGS -4?
DEN +3? @ KC 45?
This battle of unbeatens is for me, too tough to call. I will be rooting for the Broncos though, because KC got lucky last week with a +4 turnover advantage, not to mention a 97-yard kickoff return. Anyway, the bastids beat me outta my best bet on Baltimore (sorry, I-Wood). Hey, I know its petty, but... Go Broncos! PASS
AZ +7 @ DAL 38
How important is Bill Parcells? If he goes 3-1 with this group he should go directly to the Hall. Don't get me wrong, I ain't gunna lay 7 with him,. But I ain't bettin' into him neither. Oh, by the way, welcome back to Texas Stadium, Emmitt! PASS
SD +3 @ JAX 42
It is normally prudent to back the visitor when bad team collide, but despite the goose egg in the win column, I don't believe that the Jagoffs are a bad team. With the Bolts travelling cross-country after dropping a heart-breaker to division-rival Oakland, I'm gunna look for Jack to erase memories of their loss to Houston with a solid victory at home. JAGUARS -3
WAS +5 @ PHI 39?
It seems I can usually tell when a particular game is gunna be a good one, because I won't have a single clue as to which is the better side to bet. Well, if that's true, this is bound to be the Game of the Year! I mean, I gotta better idea of how them pyrimids in Egypt was built. Ya savvy? PASS
DET +7? @ SF 41
The Niners should probably oughtta cover this number, but I'm afraid that Coach Mooch might get some kinda herculean effort outta his cats. I guess you could say that I don't like this game for the same reason I don't like no long-term relationships with dames. They're too freakin' emotional, okay? PASS
CLE +7 @ PIT 41?
The Browns' offensive strength is four good receivers with which they can spread the field. The Steelers' defensive weakness is their secondary, where both of their top corners can be beaten. Regardless of who's at quarterback, Tim Couch or Kelly Holcomb, Cleveland can move the ball in the air with Kevin Johnson, Quincy Morgan, Dennis Northcutt and Andre' Davis.
Pittsburgh has a nice little passing game themselves. And that dink and dunk crap sickens me! Until the Steelers can prove that they can run between the tackles they are beatable. And if they can't run of these guys, they're in real trouble.
In what should be a shoot-out, I'll take the points. BROWNS +7
IND +4 @ TB 37?
Tony Dungy returns to Tampa to face the Super Bowl champs.Watch Gruden steal the spotlight with excellent game-planning and one very fired-up defense. Peyton Manning was white-hot last week. I'll bet that changes. Drastically. BUCS -4
The red flag has been thrown!
Upon furthur review the following adjustments have been made.
The New England Patriots +1 is now a regular Cow Pie
The Chicago Bears +4 is now a Cow Power Pie
The Minnesota Vikings -4? is no longer considered Pie-worthy
The Jacksonville Jaguars -3 is no longer considered Pie-worthy
Sorry about that, everybody. I guess I musta been sober when I wrote the original picks. Believe me, that crap ain't never gunna happen again. Anyway, here is a recappa this week's Cow Pies.
NE +1
CIN +8 Power Pie
CHI +4 Power Pie
NO +6? Power Pie
CLE +7
TB -4
Remember, the fight does not always go to the strongest. Likewise, the race don't always go to the fastest, neither. But fellas, that's the way to bet 'em.
Besta luck, you lousy bums!
BARTENDER!
It's been horribly humdrum of late here in Bovinia. I played nine games last week and while I may not of deserved a positive outcome from these plays, I certainly did not deserve this! 4-4-1! Are you freakin' kiddin' me? That makes 8-8-1 over the last two weeks, fellas, and I'm so gawdam bored with myself that I've been eating like a freakin' horse! Fortunately, I've been losin' my ass in the bases or I'd be big as a house by now. Anyway, the Cow Pies are now a very pedestrian 19-14-2 for the year.
Hey! Where's my double-order of nachos?
TEN -1? @ NE 40?
As beat up as the Patriots seem to be, I had to curb the urge to play a little road chalk in this one. Tennessee's physical style might be too much for the New Englanders to handle. But I leave that for others to ponder. I see better opportunities available. PASS
CIN +8 @ BUF 39
Fresh offa that upset win in Cleveland, the Stripes still look undervalued to me and I'm looking for another strong effort from them here. Former Bengals coach Dick LeBeau will be an interested party as a Bills assistant, and one of his best former Bengals, Takeo Spikes, will be key in getting Buffalo's defense back on track. Unfazed by this knowledge, I stagger onward. BENGALS +8 Power Pie
So I wake up a coupla mornings ago to this radio ad expounding the virtues of this health club what's right down the street from me. It was incredibly cheap and seemed to be catering to the slightly older, slightly over-weight and slightly vain men in the area. As I got out of bed, I checked myself out in the full-length. Horrors! I was stunned, fellas. So I did the only logical thing I could think of. I threw on my sweatshirt, sweatpants and sneakers and drove directly over to the bar. Whew. It was horrifying.
MIA +1 @ NYG 37?
The Dolphins have the more powerful running game with a rested Ricky Williams, but the Giants have had equal time off and feature a much more balanced offense. It should be one helluva game. I can hardly wait to read about it. PASS
SEA +2 @ GB 45
Seahawks coach Mike Holmgren and defensive coordinator Ray Rhodes both used to be leaders of the Pack, and quarterback Matt Hasselbeck once held the league's easiest job -- backup to Brett Favre. All three men should be pumped up for a return to Lambeau, but the Packers also have the ex-team X-factor working for them.
The best Packer this season hasn't been Favre -- it's former Seahawk Ahman Green, who might be the league's fastest running back. He is completely healthy and is coming off his best career game. Will he keep the momentum going against the team that traded him in 2000 for immortals Fred Vinson and Tim Watson?
I have no idea, but I can almost see Favre winning this one late, can't you? PASS
OAK -4 @ CHI 43
I'm still a Raider fader, fellas, but it ain't never been tougher than this. I mean, I think I've figured out why they call Chicago "The Windy City." It's because the Bears suck so hard!
Be that crocka crap as it may, allow me to reiterate. I am still a Raider fader, see? And if yuz don't like it you can blow me. BEARS +4
NO +6? @ CAR 37?
To me, this looks like the classic matchup between "We have got to freakin' win this one" and "Wow! Can you believe we're still undefeated?" I'm tellin' ya, it's "Tightening up the belt" versus "Thumbs in the suspenders." It's "The gnashing teeth of hunger" and "The open-mouthed yawn of contentment." I would go on, but... I bet even the boobs amongst ya get my drift. SAINTS +6?
MIN -4? @ ATL 43
Now while summayuz might be simple enough to think this game oughtta be 'capped the same as the preceding one, I'm here to give you the real dope. Them units with the purple helmets ain't no stiffs. After a brief period of foreplay I expect they'll pound them birds mercilessly. VIKINGS -4?
DEN +3? @ KC 45?
This battle of unbeatens is for me, too tough to call. I will be rooting for the Broncos though, because KC got lucky last week with a +4 turnover advantage, not to mention a 97-yard kickoff return. Anyway, the bastids beat me outta my best bet on Baltimore (sorry, I-Wood). Hey, I know its petty, but... Go Broncos! PASS
AZ +7 @ DAL 38
How important is Bill Parcells? If he goes 3-1 with this group he should go directly to the Hall. Don't get me wrong, I ain't gunna lay 7 with him,. But I ain't bettin' into him neither. Oh, by the way, welcome back to Texas Stadium, Emmitt! PASS
SD +3 @ JAX 42
It is normally prudent to back the visitor when bad team collide, but despite the goose egg in the win column, I don't believe that the Jagoffs are a bad team. With the Bolts travelling cross-country after dropping a heart-breaker to division-rival Oakland, I'm gunna look for Jack to erase memories of their loss to Houston with a solid victory at home. JAGUARS -3
WAS +5 @ PHI 39?
It seems I can usually tell when a particular game is gunna be a good one, because I won't have a single clue as to which is the better side to bet. Well, if that's true, this is bound to be the Game of the Year! I mean, I gotta better idea of how them pyrimids in Egypt was built. Ya savvy? PASS
DET +7? @ SF 41
The Niners should probably oughtta cover this number, but I'm afraid that Coach Mooch might get some kinda herculean effort outta his cats. I guess you could say that I don't like this game for the same reason I don't like no long-term relationships with dames. They're too freakin' emotional, okay? PASS
CLE +7 @ PIT 41?
The Browns' offensive strength is four good receivers with which they can spread the field. The Steelers' defensive weakness is their secondary, where both of their top corners can be beaten. Regardless of who's at quarterback, Tim Couch or Kelly Holcomb, Cleveland can move the ball in the air with Kevin Johnson, Quincy Morgan, Dennis Northcutt and Andre' Davis.
Pittsburgh has a nice little passing game themselves. And that dink and dunk crap sickens me! Until the Steelers can prove that they can run between the tackles they are beatable. And if they can't run of these guys, they're in real trouble.
In what should be a shoot-out, I'll take the points. BROWNS +7
IND +4 @ TB 37?
Tony Dungy returns to Tampa to face the Super Bowl champs.Watch Gruden steal the spotlight with excellent game-planning and one very fired-up defense. Peyton Manning was white-hot last week. I'll bet that changes. Drastically. BUCS -4
The red flag has been thrown!
Upon furthur review the following adjustments have been made.
The New England Patriots +1 is now a regular Cow Pie
The Chicago Bears +4 is now a Cow Power Pie
The Minnesota Vikings -4? is no longer considered Pie-worthy
The Jacksonville Jaguars -3 is no longer considered Pie-worthy
Sorry about that, everybody. I guess I musta been sober when I wrote the original picks. Believe me, that crap ain't never gunna happen again. Anyway, here is a recappa this week's Cow Pies.
NE +1
CIN +8 Power Pie
CHI +4 Power Pie
NO +6? Power Pie
CLE +7
TB -4
Remember, the fight does not always go to the strongest. Likewise, the race don't always go to the fastest, neither. But fellas, that's the way to bet 'em.
Besta luck, you lousy bums!
BARTENDER!
