Dolphriots

[Cow]

I don?t know what it is exactly, but I do know this? I got it. I?m talkin? about the Christmas spirit, ?natch. You know the routine; good glow goin? all the time; always in an excellent mood; spreadin? joy and them good tiding deals wherever ya go. Yesterday, I partook in another of the season?s traditions, and yuz can believe this; I couldn?t get back here to the Christmas cheer <glug><glug> fast enough. I?ll tell ya somethin?, fellas. I mean, I love dames, okay? But ya gotta admit, sometimes it seems like their cheese has, you know, slid offa the cracker, if?n yuz catch my drift. Now I can succinctly sum up the basis for that opinion with confidence, using but a single word.

SHOPPING!

By the way, I ain?t too crazy about any of the Saturday games, but I thought I?d give ya my leans in case you were interested. After all, ?tis the season, ya savvy?

MIAMI +3 @ NEW ENGLAND 36

I thought I?d be on the lonely side of this game, but I see where the Patriots are the number one pick in the Hilton contest so I guess I missed the boat on that one. Hopefully, it ain?t a sign of things to come. Ya see what I?m sayin??

What I?ve done, though, because my Patriotic opinion was such a weak one, is I jumped freakin? ship! I mean, I ain?t nuthin? if?n I ain?t flexible. So, now I?m hangin? my hat on NE?s 3-22-1 ATS record when favored against a team with a win percentage of better than .600.

I apologize for not exhibiting more confidence, but I gotta party to attend tonight, so I?m tryin? to lay off the confidence until after lunch, ya follow? DOLPHINS +3

So anyway, I rolled outta my pad Friday morning in a stellar freakin? mood. Things was swell throughout Bovinia. I slid into the Cad, backed outta the driveway and was off to do my Christmas shopping. Now the fact that I was in a good mood ?and? going shopping should tell yuz a little somethin? about how far removed from reality my world can actually become at times. Yet, still oblivious to the impending chaos-induced panic, I casually reached over and turned on the radio. Classic Rock FM 92.3 ? . . . Rats on the west side, bed bugs uptown. What a mess, this town?s in tatters. I?ve been shattered. Blah blah blah blah blah . . .?

Predictably, my first stop was the strip mall. Man! Talk about faulty advertising! What a disappointment ?that? was. Anyway, then it was off to Lloyd Center, the biggest, baddest, we got it all mall in Portland.

?. . . my brain?s been battered ? Splattered all over ? Manhattan.?

I still can?t believe what a good mood I was in. You might say my dumb quotient had reached a new all-time high. A Personal Best, as it were. I am so proud.

I pulled into the parking lot and? forty minutes later... I eased the Lac into an unoccupied slot. Have you ever caught yourself wishin? you was handicapped? Anyway, after a two-mile walk, I was in the freakin? mall.

Egads! My good mood left at the speeda light! What the hell was I doin?? I walked around like a gawdam zombie for what seemed like hours, when . . .

?Cow, is that you?? It was a vaguely familiar old man in a Santa Claus suit. ?Step on in here. I saw ya walk in a minute or two ago. You looked lost, man. Jeez, it?s been years, huh? Howya been??

?Uh, pretty good. You??

?Not bad, I guess. I?m workin? the elevator here until Christmas. I need the bank. Damn track just wiped me out.?

Ding.

?Top floor! The Tux Stop! Formal wear for that ?special? occasion! The French Kiss! From perfumes and lotions, to lingerie and works of art! If it?s from France, you?ll find it at the French Kiss! Fur for Her! Full-length mink coats, rabbit earmuffs and everything in between! If you?ve made a mess with the little lady, they have the cure. It?s expensive for you; it?s Fur for Her!?

?Sorry ?bout that, Cow. What floor do you want, anyway??

?Take me to the basement, man. I gotta get outta here.?

?You sure you?re okay? You look a little pale.?

?I?ll be fine.? I said. ?Just get me the hell outta here!?

Ding.

?Rock bottom! The Glasshole?s Costume Jewelry! Psuedo stones for that special blind or stupid someone! Second-Hand Rose?s Second-Hand Clothes! Buy a dress shirt and get a free pair of briefs! Cletus and Juan?s Discount Hooch! ?Labels? We don?t need no stinking labels!??

?See ya, Cow! Merry Christmas! Ho Ho Ho!?

Bah! Humbug!

Take me outta the mall game
Get me outta this crowd
I?ll buy ?em all gift certificates
I don?t care who?s offended by it
So, what?s Ho Ho Ho for the fat man
Is boo hoo hoo for the Cow
It was One! Two! Three hours of hell
But I?m all done now!

Ya know what? If you?ve seen one covered shopping center... you?ve seen a mall.

Check the Pie page a little later for plays with a little more conviction. And, oh yeah, Enjoy yourselves out there. Peace.

 

[Caesar]

Looks like Cow has been in the Egg Nog with Rum already. Always an enjoyable chuckle. I'm with ya on the Fins. Have a great Holidays
-"Deuce"

 

[redsfann]

 

[Cow]

Here are the other two games today. The Cow Pies'll be up later. Like, moo.

PHI +2? @ SF 40

This?d hafta be my top playa the day, but I don?t think it?s good enough for me to actually put any dough on. The problem is, I got everything pointing to the chalk here, yet at the same time I gotta gut feeling that Philly is about to take their game to another level. Mix in the fact that Jeff Garcia has sore ribs and that the Eagles almost assuredly will get to him a coupla times and, well, my money can sit on the shelf until tomorrow.

For those of yuz what gotta play, however, I would certainly advocate a move on the favorite. Their defense is drunk with confidence, Garrison Hearst is playing at the highest level of his career and I believe that cross-country road trips become more difficult as the regular season nears it?s conclusion. Also, I don?t think Philly is too worried about winning the NFC East. I?m looking for ?em to tryta get their running game in order for the playoffs. Plus, the number droppin? under 3 don?t hurt none neither.

If I played totals, I?d be awfully tempted to go under here, but since I don?t? NINERS ?2?

TEN +6 @ OAK 44?

The Cow Pow numbers put this game right at 6 so I ain?t got much there, but I would take the points if forced to make a selection. I just don?t think it?s a good idea to lay points with a team that don?t figure to control the line of scrimmage and when I see the Raiders giving up 4.8 yards per rush when I know the league average is around 3.5, well, they ain?t controlled Jack! TITANS +6

A family from a poor, third world country arrives in America. They go to a mall to do some Christmas shopping. Soon the father and son hear a soft bell and become entranced by a set of stainless steel doors sliding apart to reveal a small closet-like room. Confused, they stare into the closet. A moment later, an old, fat broad walks into the small room and the man and boy watch closely, as the big steel doors slide closed behind her. Several minutes pass. Then . . . ding. The soft bell startles the father and son. They stare intently at the sliding doors of the closet, which open to reveal a gorgeous, long-legged minx.

?Quickly!? Yells the excited foreigner to his dumbfounded son. ?Go get your mother!?