Family advice wanted

[Marco]

About 7 weeks ago mom died.....dad is now alone at home and over the course of around thirty years mom managed to practically fill the whole house with garage sale finds and Barbie dolls and all kinds of stuff from bags full of newspapers....dad even counted gallons of sealed coffee cans and came up with 20....empty mayonaise jars with napkins inside...at one time a few years back I counted over 500 potted plants occupying every window space available...

It would be an understatement to say that mom had O/C hoarding disease......

Over the time since she died myself and the other three siblings have helped out with cleaning up the house....a lot of stuff is going to places like Goodwill.....newspapers are being sent to the recyclers......there is still tons of stuff there as most rooms there were only little paths left to get to the middle of the room.....dad had always complained that the house was a firetrap and luckily no flame ever got loose.....

Dad is getting older, he's about 80 now....his running gears aren't what they used to be....he has trouble with a hip and after a short time his legs give out and he has to take a rest....

He offered a deal to me last week that he would give me free rent in return for helping him clean out the house if I was to move back in to help him out.....I'm almost 40 now....I will probably move back in once we clean out a room for me to move my stuff into.....I will probably help him out with the bills and the like....mowing....cleaning....there's things he can't do anymore and things he can't lift that a 40 year old back can.....

He's thinking about getting a satellite and receiving the dish network.....I will in all likelihood get on a wireless computer system as DSL in that area is around $100 a month compared to $30ish for wireless.....I started out with dial-up and refuse to go back to the stone age.....

Distance is not a factor as I live around 10 miles from where he does so my job will not be effected by moving......

I'm thinking that he might be a bit lonely since mom passed on, and he could really use the help...kinda strange, whenever I go up there it seems like mom is just in the other room and I expect her to come walking around the corner anytime....I have no significant other in my own life so that area of my life is really unaffected and I don't foresee telling some woman in the near future that I live with dad.......kinda something moving back home when you're 40, but the circumstances are different than if I was unemployed and had to beg to stay there awhile until I got back on my feet.....

I was looking for a house before mom died but now I think I might end up living with dad until the point comes to when or if he needs more extensive help than I can provide......

I need to know your guys thoughts on this whole issue....I know some of you may have already been through this or are going through this....what am I going to go through and what should I expect out of this situation.....?????

 

[THE KOD]

Marco

Sorry for the loss of your mom. I know that is coming for my family and I dread that day.

I would not hesitate to move back in under the circumstances you described above.

Get the place in shape, and help him out the best you can. You can always get visiting nurses to come in and meals on wheels etc.

Not to make you feel any worse but when they get to 80 and one spouse goes the other one almost always goes within the next year.

Your other siblings should also be willing to help out. Just because your living there does not mean you should do all the work and care giving.

good luck, God Bless your family

 

[Marco]

Scott....thanks for the kind thoughts...

This all came about rather sudden....she wasn't feeling too well for some time...some stomach pains.....finally dad convinced her to go to the hospital where they found cancer nodules around her digestive organs...

Maybe if she would have gotten checked out a year or two before that point....

She lasted another two months or so after going to the hospital......If anything I am glad it didn't play out for months and months.....she was in a nursing home for about a month and on my regular visits she never did feel well....at least this way she didn't suffer too much.....I always felt life was about quality and not quantity.....if she wasn't going to get better and the quality of life didn't improve then its better it happened this way....

Considering family history and that pretty much all of her brothers and sisters have lived up into thier late eighties and mid nineties, it was a bit surprising to watch her pass in her early seventies......figuring that my father was in "apparently" worse shape than mom....I thought for sure that dad would pass first and then mom would have filled in the house with stuff to the point where air couldn't get in.....

Cancer is a strange disease....a neighbor lady died of it in her late fifties.......

You just never know what the future holds....

 

[SixFive]

Sorry for your loss, Marco, and don't feel bad about moving back home. I think that's a supremely nice thing for you to do for your father, and I'm sure he'll enjoy the company and the help. THere are a whole lot of widowers in that similar category, and many of them never cooked, cleaned, did laundry, etc. their entire life since 'mom' always did those things. Quite overwhelming to lose your spouse of 40+ years and then you have to learn how to do EVERYTHING by yourself that you never have done. Like learning a new job by training yourself while your are 80. I wish you success, and I think you will be greatly rewarded by going back home to help your pop.

 

[GM]

If you're comfortable with it I'd say do it. I was in a similar situation to you, though it did not involve a death in the family.

In the early-80's my mother left my dad, and my dad never remarried, but stayed in our old house, and it got REALLY badly run down. I mean he never vacuumed, never cleaned, hardly ever threw stuff out. A couple neighbors over the years had dropped off excess furniture (mattresses, living room sets, etc) and just forgot about them. My sister and I had used the house for storage. And the house just filled up with furniture and other crap. Over the years it got more and more disgusting and he just didn't seem to care. I guess living alone he didn't feel it was worth the effort to clean up. He also wouldn't consider throwing out anything that reminded him of my mom or me or my sister. Things like toys my sister played with when she was 3. She's 28 now and there are no kids in our family. It's just ridiculous to keep stuff like that, but it's almost like he thought we'd come back one day and want it.

Then about five years ago my Dad met someone, and eventually moved in with her. And the house just sat there, falling apart, full of furniture but no people. When I finally broke up with my fiance this summer I needed a place to go and asked if I could move back in. Holy crap I had no idea the house had gotten this bad. We had animals living in the attic...water damage in the living room and dining room ceilings. Of all the appliances, only the stove worked, and only sort of. The washing machine leaked, smoke would come out of the dryer after about 10 minutes, the fridge wasn't even plugged in...cripes. Out of eight rooms there was a total of TWO which you could actually walk through/sit in comfortably (neither of which was a bedroom), and out of three bathrooms there was one functioning toilet.

Anyways, with my spare time no longer occupied by a psycho fiance, I decided to take on the project of fixing up the house, partly as a way to pay my way in lieu of rent...partly as a favor to my dad who would never do it. And you know, it's been a hell of a good experience. I've learned a LOT and made this place liveable and a place you'd actually want to be.

First thing I did is chop down almost every tree and shrub/weed on the property (the place was so overgrown you could barely see the house...the lawn was completely dead due to lack of sunlight and water...all he had was dirt for a yard). I had the roof replaced, the damaged ceilings re-plastered, replaced every window and door on the house. Threw out TONS and TONS of crap (my sister and I got a dumpster and filled it up and had it carted off). We donated all sorts of beds and other furniture and old clothing to charities. I painted all three bedrooms, wallpapered a couple more rooms, fixed all the bathrooms/toilets/showers/sinks, ripped out and replaced almost all of the carpet, replaced all the curtains, bought all new kitchen appliances, etc etc. You name it, I did it (with some help from my sister). You get to a point where you get to the sentimental stuff and think you can't throw out this or that. Well, aside from a few photo albums and REALLY meaningful things, if nobody has needed it or looked at it for 5 years it's history. That's the attitude I had to adopt. You'll never clear the place out saving stuff for "when you need it".

The house is actually something I can say I am proud of now instead of a family embarassment. All that's left is re-planting and re-sodding when the weather warms up, and painting the outside. I had the house appraised before the cleanup and after (by different appraisers)... the value of the second appraisal was 50% more than the first.

Anyways, long story I know...sometimes it felt like this cleanup/restoration was never going to end, but it's actually gone fairly quickly. And my father is ecstatic. He can actually sell the place now if he wants to. And I wouldn't be embarassed to mention that I live here. I put a lot of my own money into the place and fixed a bad situation. I think a potential girlfriend would see that as a positive. I ~could~ have gone somewhere else and ignored it and let it get worse, but instead I put my money towards something that was worthwhile and everyone has benefitted from it. It's not like you're moving in with your Dad because you have to. You're doing it because you want to.

If you're up for a challenge I would definitely say go for it. And you'll have the added benefit that you are keeping your father company and keeping his spirits up. I would think it would probably be very good for him to not only have open space and a healthier atmosphere, but also to know that he has a son that loves him and considers him a priority in his life.

 

[maverick2112]

Wow......this post really hits home. I am truly sorry for your loss. My mom passed away on December 14......about 7 weeks ago also. This makes me think about my situation regarding my mother.....my father passed away 5 yrs ago and at the time I started dating my wife, but if I had not started a relationship I would have moved back in with my mother and helped her out. It made me kind of angry that after years of being single now when my mom really needed some company I was busy in my own relationship. Now that she is gone I feel guilty that I did'nt move back in with her when she was left alone. I was thinking about his for a long time when my mom was alone. I think you are a wonderful son to think about doing this and if I had it to do over again I would have given anything to spend the last five years living with my mom and giving her support. I think its a decision you will be glad you made. One thing I never realized is that my mother was really lonely when she was alone but she made it a point to not let anyone know it. I think it is a parental instinct to let their children think they can handle anything. My mom didnt want me to feel bad about her being lonely. We both have had a rough couple of months, I hope things get better for anyone who goes through events like this.

 

[vyrus858]

Marco, who gives a **** what others will think...move back in and spend that quality time with your dad, he will love you to death for it...what didnt wouldnt ever want their baby boy back to keep them company after their woman has passed on to a better place...good luck bud

 

[BADTODABONE]

Marco,

Do it. I just got a call from a great friend, his mother passed away tonight. I came to MadJacks after a few tears, to get my mind off her passing. Opened your thread.

My Dad passed away in '96, my Mom is doing fine because of my brothers and sisters. I'm 3 States away from 'home', but call Mom weekly. Three brothers and four sisters, if the call came, I am the only one in position (sounds like a card game) to make that move. I'd do it in a heartbeat. My parents got me where I am today.........best couple ever married.......sure your parents were too. No better friend than a Dad....GL

 

[Chopsticks]

Take care of your family man...It now has come full circle. When you were growning up, your family had probably taken care of you and now it's your turn to take care of them. Your father needs you now more than he probably has ever. It's a no brainer what you should do. And it's tremendously easier since you have no wife or kids to take care of. Make sure your siblings help out so you don't have to take on the brunt of the work yourself. I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your mother and God bless you and your father. Take care and best of luck...

 

[THE KOD]

Take care of your family man...It now has come full circle. When you were growning up, your family had probably taken care of you and now it's your turn to take care of them.

.........................................................

Chops

No truer words were ever spoken.

 

[Captain Crunch]

Marco, who gives a **** what others will think..

To many people out there who worry about what other people think. Bottom line is, if you think it is important and you want to do it, do it.

Good Luck

 

[aubie]

Sorry to hear about the loss of your mother. Just a suggestion have you thought about moving your father in with you . Even if it is only on the short term. It might give him a chance to step away mentally from the loss of your mother. Also it could give you both more time (Like once a week) to just go back over and go through everything.

I had the opporitunity to have my grandmother live with me and my family for her last three yrs with us. I had to take a 30k pay cut and change companies so I could afford the time that she needed with me. The time we spent together until the end was worth even the hardest sorrow.

Good luck in your decision.

 

[ocelot]

Marco,

You will do the right thing. Aubie brings up a good possibility also.

You and your Dad will be great company for one another. Good luck. I've told my Dad and Stepmom both that we want them to move in with us if something happens to the other. Good luck.

 

[Franky Wright]

Aubie,
Excellent post and advice
Its always refreshing to see that here :clap:
Franky