Farting in public

[Felonious Monk]

Do you rip ass in public? Most of the time when I am at the grocery store or big retail places in general, I try to cut a few just for shock value. I try to get the sound just vocal enough where it is not entirely obvious but where people within earshot will question if someone farted or not. The challenge of this game is to keep a straight face in the process.

Have you been farted on in public? I will never forget I worked with this girl who was a vegetarian and kind of a militant feminist. I would flirt with her just to mess with her and she would get semi-pissed at me. Anyway, one day I was flirting with her while she was behind her desk. I started to move behind her desk to get next to her, she started getting pissed and told me not to go back there, I did it anyway, thinking she was just messing with me, and I hit the thickest, rankest, brick-wall fart you have ever smelled. It knocked me to my knees and made my eyes water. I will never forget that. Thank God I never see her anymore, cuz that is just about all I remember about her.

 

[Bluemound Freak]

I got Farted on the other day in a similar incident! I was working on a guys car and was going to pull it into the shop, well I asked him to get out and he had this weird look like "hell no I aint moving"! I said sir I have to pull the vehicle in the building because of insurance purposes, So he got out! Well when I plopped down in the Car I thought damn did I step in Shit or what, then I realized I had been the victim of an airborn Turd! This guy had ruined the inside of this car, my eyes started watering, I was holding my breath, and finally I had to hang my head out the window just to drive the car! the whole time this guy is standing there turning red as a Fox's butt with embarrasment and I'm wanting to puke. I got out and told one of my technicians to go and check the fuse panel real quick to see what was up ( just so I could get him with someone elses flatulence ) he came over to me and said you SOB you sh@t in that car and I said not me the fellow over there with the red face and the dirty drawers is the culprit. I LMAO at him the rest of the day and kept calling him stinky Mike, he didn't find as much humor in it as I did!

 

[TIME TO MAKE $$$]

MONK

YOU ARE KILLING ME!!!


I would never do such a thing

 

[Joey Baseball]

Two of the best stories I heard in a while.

Good Sh*t!

 

[Palmetto Pimp]

Well I for one fart whenever, wherever I am
Its funny shit
I had a girl at work fart on me the other day
In her 50s, barfly, and real funny lady
Well anyway she always tells me how she has so much gas the day after Tuesday which is when she goes out drinking. Well dont you know last Weds she got me in front of my work buddies. i didnt even see her coming. All of a sudden I hear "Hey Tim" and before I knew it her leg was up in the air and her ass facing my belly...Baroooooooooooom man that shit was loud I think she ripped something. After she was finished laughing she told me "Tim your lucky I had underwear on or you might have gotten splattered!!" Funny shit. Ive gotten her back since then. In fact today I ripped a good one in the time clock line at the end of the day. The looks you get are classic.

 

[yyz]

It's timeless, baby!

I don't care how much "class" you have, you know you like to fart and make others suffer!

The best of these scenarios is a loud, crowded place. (Night club, mall, arena......)

Of course, the full effect can not be garnered without having maximum stench in your flatulence. Really, now.......is there anything better than knowing you can let your gas pass with freedom of anonymity, and the ability to watch the faces of your victims, as they wince in sheer agony?

The most effective move? The "Stop and Go" is a real crowd pleaser! (Works best in clubs, bars, or parties) You work up a good fart, and head towards the most obnoxious group in the place. Ease through the victims slowly, pausing at that precious moment. Now, let 'er rip!!!! The noise of the crowd/music must be so as to cover the sound of your ass. This can be quite an embarrassing moment if your deed fails to go unnoticed. Next, sashay back to your little group, and watch the fun unfold! It's pure ecstasy to watch those pompous assholes agonize over the, "Which one of you fuhkers did that?"

With an impropper diet, you can make this "party" last all evening!

 

[Bama6895]

Monk and Bluemond that is some funny shit.

I will tell you something else that is embarrising. When you or someone before you takes a dump in a public bathroom and you come out and there is someone else immediatly going in. You are in a catch 22. If you did it then the person sees you and smells and thinks what a stinking bastard. If someone else does it then the person still thinks you are the stinky bastard and hence you still end up looking bad.

 

[yyz]

Shits are different. You know that's why the last guy was in there, so you should give him a "knowing glance" as if to say, "Well done, friend."

Now, if you leave that disasterous "streak" in the bowl, you have some fast talking to do!


A good one:

If someone's takinga dump, and you pull up to the urnal, fart real loud, and say, "Uh, oh.........you may need to scoot over!"

 

[TIME TO MAKE $$$]

As for me, I pretty much let the fart dictate the situation. I've never been one to hold back regardless of the situation. I've gotten many a dirty look in church as a kid! There's nothing funnier than dropping a fart right after the priest says, "Let us pray." Sometimes, you just gotta take a bow, ya know?!

 

[BahamaMama]

OMG..................

OMG..................

please tell me the registration is still turned off, before my coworkers see this and discuss whatever crawled up my butt and died over the weekend.....LOL

 

[DNOMYAR_5791]

When I was a kid I used to make it a point to rip huge farts at church. Those wooden pews, (no pun intended) prune faced women looking like they just saw satan, nervous husbands looking around wondering if they did it and large acoustic friendly setting really made for some powerful noise!!! I would usually tear one off during the sermon. I never sat with my mom at church, otherwise I would have had the hell beat out of me.

 

[DNOMYAR_5791]

When I was in the Marines: I also made it a point to bust ass when I was standing in formation. If a real important person like a Sgt Major or a Colonel was talking to us, it was great because some cats would start laughing and the speaker would look at us like we were crazy. Memories

:kiss: :toast:

 

[Redhog]

Freak now that was one funny ass story...LMFAO

 

[marine]

ahh yess... crop dusting, the memories will last a lifetime.
The best recipe i have found is drinking a LOT of coffee, getting little sleep, and then wear some loose fitting clothes to allow it to escape rather quickly... i prefer not to ruin skivvies and instead wear a pair of mesh gym shorts to prevent staining, and allow for quicker dissipitation of the culprit.
coffee/insomia farts are probably the greatest for "crop dusting". Simply walk to a group of people and join the conversation, let one drop out, (they are usually very quiet), and then walk away. The smell takes a moment or two to really hit full force giving you the chance to try and sneak away. The only downfall to this tactic is that it will on occasion produce a tail and follow you around for a bit... getting stuck down a pants leg or something. then you end up a casualty of war as well.

 

[Cash & Carry]

I was trucking for a few days across country several years ago and living off some rough food. Stopped at a wal mart to get a few things & was in the musical - tape dept. when the "power" came to be, ripped a SBD (Silent But Deadily).. tears came to my eyes, almost passed out,-- I mean RANK.. walked about 15 feet away & waited.. sure enough, 2 kids stopped where I just was & looked at each other like, Dude your nasty.. it was hard to keep from busting a gut..laughed all the way to the next state..

 

[Felonious Monk]

ever fart so much you lose an inch or two in your waist? Like, your pants start off tight along the belt line, then fart after fart, your pants now need a belt? Now that is cool.

BTW, if you don't lose at least 5lbs of weight after you take a dump, that doesnt count as a real dump. Learn how to eat right!

 

[DOGS THAT BARK]

Monk: A tangent on your grocery store. Works best if you find someone bent over bout mid shelf and butt level an rip one inches from them

 

[kingjc]

Farting People

The Vain Person
One who loves the smell of his own farts.

The Amiable Person
One who loves the smell of other people's farts.

The Proud Person
One who thinks his farts are exceptionable fine.

The Shy Person
One who releases silent farts then blushes.

The Imprudent Person
One who boldly farts out loud, and then laughs.

The Unfortunate Person
One who tries hard to fart, but shits instead.

The Scientific Person
One who farts frequently, but is truly concerned for the environment.

The Nervous Person
One who stops in the middle of a fart.

The Honest Person
One who admitted he farted, but offers a good medical reason.

The Dishonest Person
One who farts but blames the dog.

The Foolish Person
One who suppresses a fart for hours and hours.

The Thrifty Person
One who always has several farts in reserve.

The Anti-Social Person
One who excuses himself and farts in complete privacy.

The Strategic Person
One who conceals his farts with loud coughing.

The Sadistic Person
One who farts in bed and then fluffs the covers over his bedmate.

The Intelligent Person
One who can determine from the smell of his neighbor's fart, precisely the latest food items consumed.

 

[Felonious Monk]

I have been born with a gift. I have some of the rankest farts you will ever smell. My buddies can't even compete. Its smells so bad it will make your nose burn and your eyes water. Anyhow, last year I was at the mall when a case of the smellies hit. Of course I need to share it with others. I proceeded to enter a clothing store, walked to the middle, let it fly, walked back to the top of the stairs to get a good view and watch how 6-7 women were overcome with my foul stench. I later farted in a small pastry shop and cleared the entire store out. People would get this horrific look on their faces and say "what is that" and "oh my god" and I just acted like nothing happened and ate my cheesecake. I truly felt powerful that day.

 

[lowroller]

3 words...

leaving...an...elevator