> True Doctor's Stories
>
> A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in
the
> cab. I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress,
and
> began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there are
several
> cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
> slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
> "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the
patient.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
> husband had died of a massive myocardial infarction.
> Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of
the
> family that he had died of a "massive internal fart. "
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I
> placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your
right
> eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left."
> Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He
> couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered
that
> he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his
> eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist,
he
> informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his
medications.
> "Which one?", asked the doctor. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a
> new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" The
> doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't
see.
> Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions
> include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long
have
> you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered,
"Why,
> not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your
breakfast
> this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't
seem
> to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the
> jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> And of course, the best is saved for last: The Surgeon's Note: A Nurse
was
> on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled
> into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing
> strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had
> acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she
was
> completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her
pubic
> hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read,
"Keep
> off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a
short
> note on the patient's dressing, which said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
>
>
> A man comes into the ER and yells "My wife's going to have her baby in
the
> cab. I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the cab, lifted the lady's dress,
and
> began to take off her underwear. Suddenly I noticed that there are
several
> cabs, and I was in the wrong one.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> At the beginning of my shift I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and
> slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
> "Big breaths," I instructed. "Yes, they used to be," remorsed the
patient.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her
> husband had died of a massive myocardial infarction.
> Not more than five minutes later, I heard her reporting to the rest of
the
> family that he had died of a "massive internal fart. "
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> I was performing a complete physical, including the visual acuity test. I
> placed the patient twenty feet from the chart and began, "Cover your
right
> eye with your hand." He read the 20/20 line perfectly. "Now your left."
> Again, a flawless read. "Now both," I requested. There was silence. He
> couldn't even read the large E on the top line. I turned and discovered
that
> he had done exactly what I had asked; he was standing there with both his
> eyes covered. I was laughing too hard to finish the exam.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> During a patient's two week follow-up appointment with his cardiologist,
he
> informed his doctor that he was having trouble with one of his
medications.
> "Which one?", asked the doctor. "The patch. The nurse told me to put on a
> new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!" The
> doctor had him quickly undress and discovered what he hoped he wouldn't
see.
> Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body! Now the instructions
> include removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked, "How long
have
> you been bedridden?" After a look of complete confusion she answered,
"Why,
> not for about twenty years -- when my husband was alive."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> I was caring for a woman from Kentucky and asked, "So how's your
breakfast
> this morning?" "It's very good, except for the Kentucky Jelly. I can't
seem
> to get used to the taste," the patient replied. I then asked to see the
> jelly and the woman produced a foil packet labeled "KY Jelly."
> ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> And of course, the best is saved for last: The Surgeon's Note: A Nurse
was
> on duty in the Emergency Room, when a young woman with purple hair styled
> into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing
> strange clothing, entered. It was quickly determined that the patient had
> acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for immediate surgery. When she
was
> completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her
pubic
> hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read,
"Keep
> off the grass." Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a
short
> note on the patient's dressing, which said "Sorry, had to mow the lawn."
>
