FUNNY MY ASSSSSSS....

[ironlock]

MARION BARRY

"The contagious people of Washington have stood firm against diversity during this long period of increment weather."

"I promise you a police car on every sidewalk."

"If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime rate."

"First, it was not a strip bar, it was an erotic club. And second,what can I say? I'm a night owl."

"Bitch set me up."

"I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where's Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no less."

"The laws in this city are clearly racist. All laws are racist. The law of gravity is racist."

"I am making this trip to Africa because Washington is an international city, just like Tokyo, Nigeria or Israel. As mayor, I am an international symbol. Can you deny that to Africa?"

"People have criticized me because my security detail is larger than the president's. But you must ask yourself: are there more people who want to kill me than who want to kill the president? I can assure you there are."

"The brave men who died in Vietnam, more than 100% of which were Black, were the ultimate sacrifice."

"I read a funny story about how the Republicans freed the slaves.The Republicans are the ones who created slavery by law in the 1600s. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves and he was not a Republican."

"What right does Congress have to go around making laws just because they deem it necessary?"

"People blame me because these water mains break, but I ask you, if the water mains didn't break, would it be my responsibility to fix them then? WOULD IT!?!"

"I am a great mayor; I am an upstanding Christian man; I am an intelligent man; I am a deeply educated man; I am a humble man."

 

[ironlock]

BILL CLINTON..

"Yes, the president should resign. He has lied to the American people, time and time again, and betrayed their trust. He is no longer an effective leader. Since he has admitted guilt, there is no reason to put the American people through an impeachment. He will serve absolutely no purpose in finishing out his term; the only possible solution is for the president to save some dignity and resign." 1974....

 

[ironlock]

WINSTON CHURCHILL..

"I am reserving two tickets for you for my premiere. Come and bring a friend - if you have one."
...George Bernard Shaw (to Winston Churchill)
"Impossible to be present for the first performance.
Will attend second - if there is one."
...Winston Churchill, in reply

"If I were married to you, I'd put poison in your coffee."
...Lady Astor (to Winston Churchill)
"If you were my wife, I'd drink it."
...Winston Churchill, in reply

 

[ironlock]

Mark TWAIN..

Familiarity breeds contempt - and children."
...Mark Twain

"Golf is a good walk spoiled."
...Mark Twain

"I did not attend his funeral; but I wrote a nice letter saying I approved of it."
...Mark Twain

"I never write Metropolis for seven cents because I can get the same price for city. I never write policeman because I can get the same money for cop."
...Mark Twain

"It could probably be shown by facts and figures that there is no distinctly American criminal class except Congress."
...Mark Twain

"Keep away from people who try to belittle your ambitions. Small people always do that, but the really great make you feel that you, too, can become great."
...Mark Twain

 

[ironlock]

POLITICIANS in GENERAL..

"Any American who is prepared to run for President should automatically, by definition, be disqualified from every doing so."
Gore Vidal.

"I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts."
Will Rogers.

"Americans have different ways of saying things. They say "elevator", we say "lift" ... they say "President", we say "stupid psychopathic git."
Alexai Sayle.

"In America any boy may become President and I suppose it's just one of the risks he takes."
Adlai Stevenson.

"The President has kept all the promises he intended to keep."
Clinton aide George Stephanopolous.

"The Internet is a gateway to get on the net."
Bob Dole.

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."
Dan Quayle.

"I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law."
David Dinkins, New York City Mayor.


"I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers We are the president."
Hillary Clinton.

 

[ironlock]

You gotta LOVE THIS GUY!!!!!!!!!!!!

G.W. BUSH..

Will the highways on the Internet become more few?" ? Concord, N.H., Jan. 29, 2000


"This is Preservation Month. I appreciate preservation. It's what you do when you run for president. You gotta preserve." ? Speaking during "Perseverance Month" at Fairgrounds Elementary School in Nashua, N.H. ? As quoted in the Los Angeles Times, Jan. 28, 2000

"I've got a reason for running. I talk about a larger goal, which is to call upon the best of America. It's part of the renewal. It's reform and renewal. Part of the renewal is a set of high standards and to remind people that the greatness of America really does depend on neighbors helping neighbors and children finding mentors. I worry. I'm very worried about, you know, the kid who just wonders whether America is meant for him. I really worry about that. And uh, so, I'm running for a reason. I'm answering this question here and the answer is, you cannot lead America to a positive tomorrow with revenge on one's mind. Revenge is so incredibly negative. And so to answer your question, I'm going to win because people sense my heart, know my sense of optimism and know where I want to lead the country. And I tease people by saying, 'A leader, you can't say, follow me the world is going to be worse.' I'm an optimistic person. I'm an inherently content person. I've got a great sense of where I want to lead and I'm comfortable with why I'm running. And, you know, the call on that speech was, beware. This is going to be a tough campaign." ? Interview with the Washington Post, March 23, 2000

"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." ? Greater Nashua, N.H., Chamber of Commerce, Jan. 27, 2000

"We ought to make the pie higher." ? South Carolina Republican Debate, Feb. 15, 2000

"I understand small business growth. I was one." ? New York Daily News, Feb. 19, 2000

"It is not Reaganesque to support a tax plan that is Clinton in nature." ? Los Angeles, Feb. 23, 2000

"I don't have to accept their tenants. I was trying to convince those college students to accept my tenants. And I reject any labeling me because I happened to go to the university." ? Today, Feb. 23, 2000

"The senator has got to understand if he's going to have he can't have it both ways. He can't take the high horse and then claim the low road." ? To reporters in Florence, S.C., Feb. 17, 2000

"Really proud of it. A great campaign. And I'm really pleased with the organization and the thousands of South Carolinians that worked on my behalf. And I'm very gracious and humbled." ? To Cokie Roberts, This Week, Feb. 20, 2000

"I don't want to win? If that were the case why the heck am I on the bus 16 hours a day, shaking thousands of hands, giving hundreds of speeches, getting pillared in the press and cartoons and still staying on message to win?" ? Newsweek, Feb. 28, 2000

"I thought how proud I am to be standing up beside my dad. Never did it occur to me that he would become the gist for cartoonists." (sic). "If you're sick and tired of the politics of cynicism and polls and principles, come and join this campaign." ? Hilton Head, S.C., Feb. 16, 2000

"How do you know if you don't measure if you have a system that simply suckles kids through?" ? Explaining the need for educational accountability in Beaufort, S.C., Feb. 16, 2000

"I do not agree with this notion that somehow if I go to try to attract votes and to lead people toward a better tomorrow somehow I get subscribed to some some doctrine gets subscribed to me." ? Meet The Press, Feb. 13, 2000

"I've changed my style somewhat, as you know. I'm less I pontificate less, although it may be hard to tell it from this show. And I'm more interacting with people." (sic) "I think we need not only to eliminate the tollbooth to the middle class, I think we should knock down the tollbooth." ? Nashua, N.H., as quoted by Gail Collins in the New York Times, Feb. 1, 2000

"What I am against is quotas. I am against hard quotas, quotas they basically delineate based upon whatever. However they delineate, quotas, I think vulcanize society. So I don't know how that fits into what everybody else is saying, their relative positions, but that's my position." ? Quoted by Molly Ivins, the San Francisco Chronicle, Jan. 21, 2000 (Thanks to Toni L. Gould.)

"When I was coming up, it was a dangerous world, and you knew exactly who they were," he said. "It was us vs. them, and it was clear who them was. Today, we are not so sure who the they are, but we know they're there." ? Iowa Western Community College, Jan 21, 2000

"The administration I'll bring is a group of men and women who are focused on what's best for America, honest men and women, decent men and women, women who will see service to our country as a great privilege and who will not stain the house." ? Des Moines Register debate, Iowa, Jan. 15, 2000

"This is still a dangerous world. It's a world of madmen and uncertainty and potential mential losses." ? At a South Carolina oyster roast, as quoted in the Financial Times, Jan. 14, 2000

"Gov. Bush will not stand for the subsidation of failure." (sic). "There needs to be debates, like we're going through. There needs to be town-hall meetings. There needs to be travel. This is a huge country." ? Larry King Live, Dec. 16, 1999

"I read the newspaper." ? In answer to a question about his reading habits, New Hampshire Republican Debate, Dec. 2, 1999

"The students at Yale came from all different backgrounds and all parts of the country. Within months, I knew many of them." ? From A Charge To Keep, by George W. Bush, published November 1999

"It is incredibly presumptive for somebody who has not yet earned his party's nomination to start speculating about vice presidents." ? Keene, N.H., Oct. 22, 1999, quoted in the New Republic, Nov. 15, 1999

"The important question is, How many hands have I shaked?" ? Answering a question about why he hasn't spent more time in New Hampshire, in the New York Times, Oct. 23, 1999

"I don't remember debates. I don't think we spent a lot of time debating it. Maybe we did, but I don't remember." ? On discussions of the Vietnam War when he was an undergraduate at Yale, Washington Post, July 27, 1999

"The only thing I know about Slovakia is what I learned first-hand from your foreign minister, who came to Texas." ? To a Slovak journalist as quoted by Knight Ridder News Service, June 22, 1999. Bush's meeting was with Janez Drnovsek, the prime minister of Slovenia.

"If the East Timorians decide to revolt, I'm sure I'll have a statement." ? Quoted by Maureen Dowd in the New York Times, June 16, 1999

"Keep good relations with the Grecians." ? Quoted in the Economist, June 12, 1999

"Kosovians can move back in." ? CNN Inside Politics, April 9, 1999

"It was just inebriating what Midland was all about then." ? From a 1994 interview, as quoted in First Son, by Bill Minutaglio

We must all hear the universal call to like your neighbor just like you like to be liked yourself." (sic). "Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?" ? Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

"I think it's important for those of us in a position of responsibility to be firm in sharing our experiences, to understand that the babies out of wedlock is a very difficult chore for mom and baby alike. ... I believe we ought to say there is a different alternative than the culture that is proposed by people like Miss Wolf in society. ... And, you know, hopefully, condoms will work, but it hasn't worked." ? Meet the Press, Nov. 21, 1999

 

[ironlock]

A true story from the great state of MICHIGAN.

A guy in Michigan buys a brand new Jeep Grand Cherokee for $30,000 and has $400+ monthly payments. He and a friend decide to go duck hunting, but, of course, all the lakes are frozen. These two Atomic Brains go to the lake with guns, a dog, beer and of course the new vehicle. They drive out onto the lake ice and get ready.

Now, they want to make some kind of a natural landing area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. In order to make a hole large enough to look like something a wandering duck would fly down and land on, it is going to take a little more effort than an ice hole drill. Out of the back of the new Grand Cherokee comes a stick of dynamite with a short, 40-second fuse. Now these two Rocket Scientists do realize that if they place the stick of dynamite on the ice at a location far from where they (and the new Grand Cherokee) are standing, they risk slipping on the ice when they run from the burning fuse and they might possibly go up in smoke with the resulting blast. So, they decide to light the fuse and throw the dynamite.

Remember I mentioned a vehicle, beer, guns and a dog? Yes, the dog: A highly trained black lab used for retrieving, especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it, the dog sprints off across the ice and captures the stick of dynamite with the burning 40-second fuse about the time it hits the ice.

The two men wonder what to do. They yell, scream, and wave their arms wildly. The dog, cheered on, keeps coming. One of the guys grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog. The shotgun is loaded with 8 duck shot, hardly big enough to kill a black lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused, and then continues on. Another shot and the dog, still alive, becomes really confused and scared, thinking these two Nobel Prize winners have gone insane.

He takes off to find cover, (with the now really short fuse burning on the stick of dynamite)... under the brand new Cherokee. BOOM ! Dog and Cherokee are blown to bits and sink to the bottom of the lake in a very large hole, leaving the two candidates for Co-leaders of the Known Universe standing there with a "I can't believe this happened" look on their faces.

The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is not covered.

He had yet to make the first of those $400+ a month payments.

 

[ironlock]

POLITICIANS trying TO SKIRT THE ISSUE.,

"They gave me a book of checks. They didn't ask for any deposits."
Congressman Joe Early (D-Mass) at a press conference to answer questions about the House Bank Scandal.

"He didn't say that. He was reading what was given to him in a speech."
Richard Darman, director of OMB, explaining why President Bush wasn't following up on his campaign pledge that there would be no loss of wetlands.

"It depends on your definition of asleep. They were not stretched out. They had their eyes closed. They were seated at their desks with their heads in a nodding position."
John Hogan, Commonwealth Edison Supervisor of News Information, responding to a charge by a Nuclear Regulatory Commission inspector that two Dresden Nuclear Plant operators were sleeping on the job.

"I didn't accept it. I received it."
Richard Allen, National Security Advisor to President Reagan, explaining the $1000 in cash and two watches he was given by two Japanese journalists after he helped arrange a private interview for them with First Lady Nancy Reagan.

"I was a pilot flying an airplane and it just so happened that where I was flying made what I was doing spying."
Francis Gary Power, U-2 reconnaissance pilot held by the Soviets for spying, in an interview after he was returned to the US.

"I was under medication when I made the decision not to burn the tapes."
President Richard Nixon

"Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life."
Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body."
Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

"Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway."
Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review board, on chlordane.

"Are you any relation to your brother Marv?"
Leon Wood, New Jersey Nets guard, to Steve Albert, Nets TV commentator.

"Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued ... Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976."
Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid

"In the early sixties, we were strong, we were virulent..."
John Connally, Secretary of Treasury under Richard Nixon, in an early seventies speech, as reported in a contemporary "American Scholar".

"Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself."
Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator".

"The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them unsafe."
Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.

"I've always thought that underpopulated countries in Africa are vastly underpolluted."
Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries.

"The crime bill passed by the Senate would reinstate the Federal death penalty for certain violent crimes: assassinating the President; hijacking an airliner; and murdering a government poultry inspector."
Knight Ridder News Service dispatch

"After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post."
Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington Rhode Island.

"The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing."
Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.

 

[snoozing]

I'm FOTHFLMAO about the brillant duck hunters. Must be one of the funniest thing I've ever read. My stomach hurts.

Bill

 

[Neemer]

"I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where's Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no less."

You got to be kiddin' right??