Golf and the Devil.........

[barfly]

A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes.
The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."

A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless. At the same time he thinks this might be a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt.

Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."

The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"

The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure" and he makes an eagle.

On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"

The golfer says, "Certainly!" and again he makes an eagle.

As the golfer walks to the clubhouse, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life."

"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "I'm Father O'Malley."

 

[barfly]

These three guys (two younger and one older) always go golfing every Sunday morning. They're just about to get up on the tee and the starter walks up and tells them that there is a woman that is golfing by herself, who is a very good golfer, and if they would mind if she played along with them. They thought about it and said sure, no problem. Sure enough, they start playing and just like the starter said, she is a hell of a golfer. They get to the 18th tee and she is one under par. They are all on the green and she has a 20 footer for par. She tells the three men, "You guys have been gentlemen through the whole round by letting me play and not giving me a hard time because I'm the only woman. This is the first time I'll ever break par and to show my appreciation, whichever one of you can show me the right line to make this putt, I'll give you a blow job." The first young guy looks real hard and says, "I think it's left edge." The second young guy looks even harder and says, "No, I think it's right edge." And the older guy walks up and picks up the ball, tosses it to the woman and says, "It's a gimmie."

 

[barfly]

Top ten things that sound dirty in golf but aren't

10. Nuts... my shaft is bent.

9. After 18 holes I can barely walk.

8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.

7. Look at the size of his putter.

6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.

5. Mind if I join your threesome?

4. Stand with your back turned and drop it.

3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip.

2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired.

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:

1. Hold up... I need to wash my balls first.

 

[barfly]

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods are in a bar. Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder replies, "Not too bad... How's the golf?"

Woods replies," Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now".

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Tiger says, "You play golf?"

Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years".

Tiger says, "But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

"But, how do you putt?" asks Tiger.

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."

Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Wonder replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole".

Woods thinks about it and says, "OK, I'm game for that, when would you like to play?"

Stevie says, "Pick a night".

 

[barfly]

A man staggers into an emergency room with a concussion, multiple bruises, including black eyes and a five iron wrapped around his throat. The doctor on call asks him what happened.

"I was having a nice, quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our balls into a cow pasture."

"We went to look for them and while I was rooting around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end. I walked over, lifted up the tail, and sure enough, there was a golfball with my wife's monogram on it -- stuck right in the middle of the cow's butt. That's when I made my mistake."

"What did you do?" asks the doctor.

"Well, I lifted the tail and yelled to my wife, 'Hey! This looks like yours!'"

 

[barfly]

Little Johnny and Grandpa go out to play golf one afternoon. After a few holes, Grandpa pulls out a cigar and lights it up. Johnny asks, "Grandpa, can I have a cigar too"? Grandpa says, "Does your wing-wang reach around to your butt"? Johnny says no then Grandpa says, "When it does, then you can have one". A few holes later, Grandpa pulls out a beer and drinks it. Johnny asks, "Grandpa, can I have a beer too"? Grandpa says, "Does your wing-wang reach around to your butt"? Johnny says no then Grandpa says, "When it does, then you can have one". Johnny then pulls out a chocolate chip cookie and starts to eat it. Grandpa asks, "Johnny, can I have a cookie too"? Johnny then asks, "Does your wing-wang reach around to your butt"? Proundly, Grandpa says "Why yes it does"! "Good", Johnny says. "Go screw your self 'cause Grandma made these for me"!

 

[yyz]

That's a mean fking kid!

 

[He Hate Me]

What do they call a 150 white guys chasing a black guy?


The Pga tour.

 

[DOGS THAT BARK]

Greens keeper come running into the pro shop,goes over to the pro and states We got a problem out on the course.Mrs Johnson was stung by hornets between the 1st and 2nd hole
and everyone is backed up on the 1st tee.What should I do.Pro thought for a minute and said. Tell Mrs Johnson her stance is too wide.

 

[barfly]

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming she stands up in front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! I've had plenty of sex in my life, but no one has ever made me feel really like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN ?"

For a moment there is silence. Everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane.

Then a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. He's gorgeous. Tall, built, with long, flowing black hair and jet black eyes, he starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.

No one moves. The woman is breathing heavily in anticipation as the strange man approaches. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches to her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman, and whispers:

"Iron this."

 

[bigjoe]