Gonzo's Pix - Will post The Fixer (Better Capper, after they are up)
5 Star Picks:
South Carolina +2 vs. Alabama: In a sure sign that Doomsday is truly near, the perennially bottom-feeding Gamecocks are gunning for their third consecutive victory over the Crimson Tide. Nonetheless, here we are ? Bama?s Man-Child coach matching wits against a washed-up, cantankerous Has-Been in an early "must win" game for both squads. If the Tide was healthy, I?d stay away from this game, but they?re down to one healthy tailback and could conceivably play 4 freshmen on the O-line Saturday. Bama simply won?t be able to get in a shoot-out against Spurrier?s "Cock and Fire" offense. (Speaking of "Cock and Fire", my friend Wayne from Humboldt County told me that he experienced this exact symptom after a recent visit to an Oriental Massage Parlor out there, but I?ll address this later?) Mix in a dose of 70,000 Low Kountry rubes geeked up on cut-rate whiskey in Serena Williams Stadium, and it adds up to an unfathomable three straight Bama losses in a row to the Cocks. Mike DuBose must be rollin? over in his grave...
Coach Spurrier has really mellowed out....
Mississippi +3 @ Vanderbilt: In Gonzo Apocalyptic Revelations Part Deux, The Doors are flirting with a 3-0 start after beating the Nutts off of the Hawgs last week in Fayettenam. Commodore phans haven?t been this frenzied since Barry Goheen was draining 3-pointers for the Vandy cagers back in the 80?s. Ole Piss phans are equally overjoyed with the hiring of a 2-time DUI offender who has also been arrested for beating the hell out of his wife (This IS Mississippi ? what do you expect??) After squeaking by Mempiss, Coach Orgeron has had 2 weeks to prepare the Rebs with his?.umm? unorthodox ways. I look for the Ole Piss secondary to reasonably contain overrated Vandy QB Jay Cutler and eek out an ugly win with a time-consuming rushing game.
4 Star Picks:
North Texas ?4 vs. Tulsa: The Mean Green apple splatters open their home slate in dismal Denton, TX against their interstate weakling rival Tulsa, last seen getting run roughshod by Minnesota and OU. Yes, the Golden Shower is giving up over 260 rushing yards a game, which does not bode well for them going up against arguably the nation?s best tailback tandem this side of La-La Land. Even the without the tutelage of the svelte Freddy Kitchens, the Mean Green rushing attack continues to roll and will pound Tulsa into oblivion in the dry, polluted North Tejas air.
Kentucky +2.5 @ Indiana: Speaking of Interstate Love Songs, this annual grid-iron slap phest is merely a means for these collective phan bases to pass time before they resume bitching about their inexperienced basketball coaches. But as they say, the games must go on. The Hoosiers needed 3 TOs and a miracle TD pass to weasel their way to a win over Div. 1-AA slug, Nicholls State; and they also gave up over 400 YARDS against the minor leaguers from Kajun Kountry. Much like the Gil Thorp comic strip, this team is not very good. If UK can manage to run the ball up the middle every play, they should win in a cakewalk in Bloomington.
Florida State Pick ?em @ Boston College: The incredible dumbness of the East Coast media never surprise me nowadaze. They have put Boston College on an undeserved pedestal this year ? mayhaps it?s because their fondness for fish-eating, idol-worshipping child molesting clergymen? How?s that for Irreverent Rudeness? In any case, I think the ?Noles might have the nation?s best defense, and I look for them to completely shut down the Eagles? inexperienced QB and tailback Ears Whitworth. F$U continues their march to the ACC championship. Jack Bicknell must be rollin? over in his grave?.
3 Star Picks (shits and giggles picks):
Purdue ?8 @ Arizona: Coach Wilford Brimley and Boilers are the trendy Gonzo pick to win the watered-down Big 10 (11?) this year, and last week?s inept performances by conference brethren have given me no reason to shift sands. The torrid Tucson atmosphere won?t be enough to slow down a well-balanced Boiler offense and superb defense. Speaking of hot air, UA Coach Bob Stoops spews more of it than his seedy brother, but for all of his hype, the Wildcats are still no better off than they were under former coach John Malcovich. Boilermakers score early and often, and the ?Zona student body leaves early to stock up on Sudafed before heading back to their notorious Meth Labs?.
Maryland ?3 vs. West Virginia: I?m gonna give it another whirl with the Terps this week. After Ralph Friedgin inexplicably gave up 2 TDs to Tammy Bowden and the Tiggers last week, my only explanation is that his mind was obviously on the new Firehouse Subs restaurant in College Park and their famous Cleveland Steamer combo. Nonetheless, the Terps should be able to shut down a very young Mountaineer offense ? still trying to learn the intricacies of Rich Rodriguez? innovative Sorta Rican Coast Offense?.
M. Tennessee State ?6 vs. Akron: An 0-2 start was not unexpected for Andy "Ted" McCollum and his Blew Raid-uhs, but they should be sitting atop the Sun Belt after outplaying N. Tejas only to snatch a loss from the jaws of victory thanks to several costly mistakes ? typical for a McCollum-coached squad. Nonetheless, they have way too much talent for the Zips and, barring 5 TOs, should cruise to an easy victory in 30,000-seat Floyd Stadium (which is expected to be half-full due to the nagging rumor that Big Boi might make a surprise half-time "performance" for the 2nd straight year).
He's clearly crazy.....
C. Florida +9 @ S. Florida: The Battle of Flore-duh Directional Schools features one coach who is a chronic liar with a drinking problem against another who?s certifiably Bat Shit Insane. So who?s who? Who cares? Both schools recruit the same type of athlete ? those not good enough to get into SEC/ACC schools and/or Thugs that don?t have the grades to get into SEC/ACC schools. We?ll call the coaching and the talent a wash but give the ever so slight advantage to the Bulls on their home field ? but not enough to cover?.
5 Star Picks:
South Carolina +2 vs. Alabama: In a sure sign that Doomsday is truly near, the perennially bottom-feeding Gamecocks are gunning for their third consecutive victory over the Crimson Tide. Nonetheless, here we are ? Bama?s Man-Child coach matching wits against a washed-up, cantankerous Has-Been in an early "must win" game for both squads. If the Tide was healthy, I?d stay away from this game, but they?re down to one healthy tailback and could conceivably play 4 freshmen on the O-line Saturday. Bama simply won?t be able to get in a shoot-out against Spurrier?s "Cock and Fire" offense. (Speaking of "Cock and Fire", my friend Wayne from Humboldt County told me that he experienced this exact symptom after a recent visit to an Oriental Massage Parlor out there, but I?ll address this later?) Mix in a dose of 70,000 Low Kountry rubes geeked up on cut-rate whiskey in Serena Williams Stadium, and it adds up to an unfathomable three straight Bama losses in a row to the Cocks. Mike DuBose must be rollin? over in his grave...
Coach Spurrier has really mellowed out....
Mississippi +3 @ Vanderbilt: In Gonzo Apocalyptic Revelations Part Deux, The Doors are flirting with a 3-0 start after beating the Nutts off of the Hawgs last week in Fayettenam. Commodore phans haven?t been this frenzied since Barry Goheen was draining 3-pointers for the Vandy cagers back in the 80?s. Ole Piss phans are equally overjoyed with the hiring of a 2-time DUI offender who has also been arrested for beating the hell out of his wife (This IS Mississippi ? what do you expect??) After squeaking by Mempiss, Coach Orgeron has had 2 weeks to prepare the Rebs with his?.umm? unorthodox ways. I look for the Ole Piss secondary to reasonably contain overrated Vandy QB Jay Cutler and eek out an ugly win with a time-consuming rushing game.
4 Star Picks:
North Texas ?4 vs. Tulsa: The Mean Green apple splatters open their home slate in dismal Denton, TX against their interstate weakling rival Tulsa, last seen getting run roughshod by Minnesota and OU. Yes, the Golden Shower is giving up over 260 rushing yards a game, which does not bode well for them going up against arguably the nation?s best tailback tandem this side of La-La Land. Even the without the tutelage of the svelte Freddy Kitchens, the Mean Green rushing attack continues to roll and will pound Tulsa into oblivion in the dry, polluted North Tejas air.
Kentucky +2.5 @ Indiana: Speaking of Interstate Love Songs, this annual grid-iron slap phest is merely a means for these collective phan bases to pass time before they resume bitching about their inexperienced basketball coaches. But as they say, the games must go on. The Hoosiers needed 3 TOs and a miracle TD pass to weasel their way to a win over Div. 1-AA slug, Nicholls State; and they also gave up over 400 YARDS against the minor leaguers from Kajun Kountry. Much like the Gil Thorp comic strip, this team is not very good. If UK can manage to run the ball up the middle every play, they should win in a cakewalk in Bloomington.
Florida State Pick ?em @ Boston College: The incredible dumbness of the East Coast media never surprise me nowadaze. They have put Boston College on an undeserved pedestal this year ? mayhaps it?s because their fondness for fish-eating, idol-worshipping child molesting clergymen? How?s that for Irreverent Rudeness? In any case, I think the ?Noles might have the nation?s best defense, and I look for them to completely shut down the Eagles? inexperienced QB and tailback Ears Whitworth. F$U continues their march to the ACC championship. Jack Bicknell must be rollin? over in his grave?.
3 Star Picks (shits and giggles picks):
Purdue ?8 @ Arizona: Coach Wilford Brimley and Boilers are the trendy Gonzo pick to win the watered-down Big 10 (11?) this year, and last week?s inept performances by conference brethren have given me no reason to shift sands. The torrid Tucson atmosphere won?t be enough to slow down a well-balanced Boiler offense and superb defense. Speaking of hot air, UA Coach Bob Stoops spews more of it than his seedy brother, but for all of his hype, the Wildcats are still no better off than they were under former coach John Malcovich. Boilermakers score early and often, and the ?Zona student body leaves early to stock up on Sudafed before heading back to their notorious Meth Labs?.
Maryland ?3 vs. West Virginia: I?m gonna give it another whirl with the Terps this week. After Ralph Friedgin inexplicably gave up 2 TDs to Tammy Bowden and the Tiggers last week, my only explanation is that his mind was obviously on the new Firehouse Subs restaurant in College Park and their famous Cleveland Steamer combo. Nonetheless, the Terps should be able to shut down a very young Mountaineer offense ? still trying to learn the intricacies of Rich Rodriguez? innovative Sorta Rican Coast Offense?.
M. Tennessee State ?6 vs. Akron: An 0-2 start was not unexpected for Andy "Ted" McCollum and his Blew Raid-uhs, but they should be sitting atop the Sun Belt after outplaying N. Tejas only to snatch a loss from the jaws of victory thanks to several costly mistakes ? typical for a McCollum-coached squad. Nonetheless, they have way too much talent for the Zips and, barring 5 TOs, should cruise to an easy victory in 30,000-seat Floyd Stadium (which is expected to be half-full due to the nagging rumor that Big Boi might make a surprise half-time "performance" for the 2nd straight year).
He's clearly crazy.....
C. Florida +9 @ S. Florida: The Battle of Flore-duh Directional Schools features one coach who is a chronic liar with a drinking problem against another who?s certifiably Bat Shit Insane. So who?s who? Who cares? Both schools recruit the same type of athlete ? those not good enough to get into SEC/ACC schools and/or Thugs that don?t have the grades to get into SEC/ACC schools. We?ll call the coaching and the talent a wash but give the ever so slight advantage to the Bulls on their home field ? but not enough to cover?.