Good clean jokes! (No Really!)

[Bluemound Freak]

I have decided that in respect for Jack asking us to tone it down a bit that I would post a few good "clean" jokes so that everyone can participate in a little humorous thread.

Humor makes the world go around, don't care what my physics professor said!

Feel free to post a few yourselves if they are clean!



A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class on
a plane.
The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between
her legs. The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is
probably hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and
gently wipes it between her legs. The man is about to go nuts. He can't
believe that he's seeing what she's doing.

A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again.
She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her
legs yet again. The man has finally had all he can handle.

He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and
three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs!
What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to
drive me crazy?"

The woman replies, " I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I
have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling bad, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking
for it?"

"Pepper", she replies.

 

[Bluemound Freak]

Jesus and the Redneck ...

A gimpy legged Irishman hobbles into a restaurant where Jesus is seated.
The Irishman looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over
there?" The waitress nodded so the Irishman told her to give Jesus a cup
of
coffee too.

The next patron to come in was an Englishman with a hunched back. He
shuffled over to a booth and asked the waitress for a glass of hot tea.
He
also glanced across the restaurant and asked "Is that Jesus over there?"
The waitress nodded so the Englishman said to give Jesus a cup of hot tea
too.

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Redneck. he swaggered
over to a booth, sat down and hollered "Hey there sweet thing, hows about
gettin me a cold glass of Coke!" He too looked across the restaurant and
asked "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress nodded so the Redneck
said to give Jesus a cold glass of Coke too.

As Jesus got up to leave. He passed by the Irishman and touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed. The Irishman felt the strength come back into his leg and got up and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus also passed by the Englishman, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The English man felt his back straightening up and he raised up his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of backflips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Redneck. The Redneck jumps up and yells,
"Hey man don't touch me......I'm drawin' disability!!!!!"

 

[bigbagrat]

Why chuckle at jokes when you can laugh at real life?

Police in George, WA issued a report on the events leading up to the deaths of Robert Uhlenake (24) and his friend, Ormond D. Young (27) at the Metallica concert last Friday. Uhlenake and Young were found dead at the Gorge Amphitheater after the show. Uhlenake was in pickup that was on top of Young at the bottom of a 20 ft drop. Young was found with severe lacerations, numerous fractures, contusions, and a branch in his anal cavity. He also had been stabbed and his pants were in a tree above him, some 15 ft off the ground; adding to the mystery of the heretofore unexplained scene.

According to Commissioner-In-Charge Inoye Appleton, Uhlenake and Young had tried to get tickets for the sold-out concert. When they were unable to get any tickets, the two decided to stay in the lot and drink. Once the show began, and after the two had consumed 18 beers between the two of them, they hit upon the idea of scaling the 7 foot wooden security fence around the perimeter of the site and sneak in. They apparently moved the truck up to the edge of the fence and decided that Young would go over first and assist Uhlenake later. They had not counted on the fact that while it was a 7 foot fence on the parking lot side, there was a 23 foot drop on the other side.

Young, who weighed 255 lbs and was quite inebriated, had jumped up and over the fence and promptly fell about half the 23 foot distance before a large tree branch broke his fall AND his left forearm; unfortunately, he also managed to get his shorts caught on the branch. Since he was now in a lot of pain and with no way to extricate himself and his shorts from the tree, he decided, seeing bushes down below, to cut his shorts off and fall to the ground. Upon cutting the last bit of fabric from himself, he suddenly plummeted to earth, losing grip of the knife. The "soft" bushes were actually holly bushes and landing in them caused a massive number of cuts. He also had the misfortune of landing squarely on a holly bush branch; effectively impaling himself. The knife, which he had accidentally released 15 ft up, now landed and stabbed him in his left thigh. Apparently, he was in a lot of pain.

Enter his friend Robert. Uhlenake had apparently observed the last bit of this and, despite his inebriated state, realized that Young was in trouble. He hit upon the idea of lowering a rope to his friend and pull him up and over the fence. This was complicated by the fact that Uhlenake was outweighed by his friend by a good 100 lbs. Again, despite his state he realized he could use their truck to pull Young out. Unfortunately, because of his state, Uhlenake put the truck in reverse, rather than drive, broke through the fence, landed on Young (killing him), was thrown out of the truck and subsequently died of internal injuries.

"So that's how a dead 255 lb man with no pants on, with a truck on top of him and a stick up his ass came to be" said Commissioner Appleton.

 

[Bluemound Freak]

President Bush and Colin Powell are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, "Isn't that Bush
and Powell sitting over there?" The barman says, "Yep,
that's them." So the guy walks over and says, "Wow,
this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in
here?"
Bush says, "We're planning WW I I I ". And the guy
says, "Really? What's going to happen?" Bush says
"Well, we're going to kill 140 million Iraqis this
time and one bicycle repairman." The guy exclaimed, "A
bicycle repairman? Why kill a bicycle repairman? Bush
turns to Powell, punches him on the
shoulder and says, "See, wise guy?! I told you no one
would worry about the 140 million Iraqis

 

[taoist]

National Poetry Contest

National Poetry Contest

At the National Poetry Contest last year it came down to two finalists.
One was a Duke University Law School graduate from an upper crust
family; well-bred, well-connected, and all that goes with it. The other was a
redneck from Texas A&M.

The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem
in one minute and the poem had to contain the word "Timbuktu".

The Duke graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock
started he jumped up and recited the following poem.

Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination - Timbuktu

The audience went wild!!! How, they wondered, could the redneck beat that?

The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally,
in the last few seconds, he jumped up and recited:

Tim and me, a-huntin' went
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They were three, and we were two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu.

 

[taoist]

A little rabbit is happily running through the forest when he stumbles upon a giraffe rolling up a joint. The rabbit looks at her and says, "Giraffe my friend, why do you do this? Come with me running through the forest, you'll see, you'll feel so much better!" The giraffe looks at him, looks at the joint, tosses it and goes off running with the rabbit.

Then they come across an elephant doing coke, so the rabbit again says, "Elephant my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health. Come running with us through the pretty forest, you'll see, you'll feel so good!" The elephant looks at them, looks at his razor, mirror and all, then tosses them and starts running with the rabbit and giraffe.

The three animals then come across a lion about to shoot up... "Lion my friend, why do you do this? Think about your health! Come running with us through the sunny forest, you will feel so good!" The lion looks at him, puts down his needle, and starts to beat the shit out of the little rabbit....

As the giraffe and elephant watch in horror, they look at him and ask, Lion, why did you do this? He was merely trying to help us all!" The lion answers, "That little fucker! He makes me run around the forest like a fucking idiot for hours every time he is on ecstasy!"

 

[g-hawg]

So the third grade teacher asks a student to come to the front of the class close his eyes and open his mouth. She then puts a Hershey's kiss in it, and says "guess what it is" . I'll give you a hint it's what you daddy asks your mom for every morning before going to work.

From the back of class a little girl shouts "spit it out it's a piece of ass".

 

[Trampled Underfoot]

Have you heard about the Polish abortion clinic???

It has a 1 year waiting list.

 

[Trampled Underfoot]

Ever hear of the Polish lesbian???

She likes men.

 

[Trampled Underfoot]

The Polish couple asked their kid what he wanted for his birthday. He said, "I wanna watch."

So they let him.

 

[Bluemound Freak]

A man takes the day off work and
decides to go out golfing.
He is on the second hole when he
notices a frog sitting next to
the green.
He thinks nothing of it and is

about to shoot when he

hears, Ribbit 9 Iron."

The man looks around and doesn't

see anyone. Again, he
hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks
at the frog and decides to

prove the frog wrong, puts the
club away, and grabs a 9 iron.

Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the

cup. He is shocked. He says
to the frog, "Wow that's amazing.

You must be a lucky frog, eh?

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
The man decides to take the frog
with him to the next hole.

"What do you think frog?" the

man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood."

The guy takes out a 3 wood and,
Boom! Hole in one. The

man is befuddled and doesn't know

what to say. By the end

of the day, the man golfed the

best game of golf in his life and
asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas.

" They go to Las Vegas
and the guy says, "OK frog, now
what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon
approaching the roulette table, The man

asks, "What do you think I should
bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit
$3000, black 6."


Now, this is a
million-to-one shot to win, but
after the golf game the man

figures what the heck.

Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.

The man takes his winnings and
buys the best room in the
hotel. He sits the frog down and
says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you.
You've won me all this money and
I am forever grateful."

The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss

Me." He figures why not,

since after all the frog did for
him, he deserves it. With a
kiss, the frog turns into a
gorgeous 15-year-old girl.


"And that,your honor, is how the girl

ended up in my room. So help me God

or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton

 

[hellah10]

haahah the frog one was the best..LMAO

 

[Bluemound Freak]

Almost as funny as me taking Central Mich against Toledo

Sorry Hellah, won't happen again!

 

[kevinmac_99]

Blue you may like this one..........

Blue you may like this one..........

Person #1: Are you going to that BBQ?

Person #2: What BBQ?

Person #1: The one with my MEAT on your GRILL!!!!!!!!!!

A friend got me with this one last night and I thought it was pretty dayum good.....

KMAC

 

[bigbagrat]

Okay, somebody had to go here...............

Why do blondes have more fun?

They are the easiest to keep amused.

Why did the blonde climb over the chain-link fence?

To see what was on the other side.

What do a group of blondes have in common?

Nothing they can think of.

What's the best reason for marrying a blonde?

You can use the handicapped parking.

 

[Bluemound Freak]

Kmac, I am gonna get a sucker with that one right here in a minute, unsuspecting fool will walk right into it!


Does eveybody have that one friend that aint real quick? I mean my buddy is a smart guy but he'll fall for the dumbest stuff, and he does it repeatedly! Just curious?

 

[kevinmac_99]

Hey BLUE here's one about us TX boys...

Hey BLUE here's one about us TX boys...

Two guys are driving through Texas when they get pulled over by a state trooper.

The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, "Why'd you do that?

The trooper says, "You're in Texas, son. When I pull you over, you'll have your license ready."

Driver says, "I'm sorry, officer, I'm not from around here."

The trooper runs a check on the guy's license, and he's clean.

He gives the guy his license back and walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls his window down, and the trooper smacks him with the nightstick.

The passenger says, "What'd you do that for?"

The cop says, "Just making your wishes come true."

The passenger says, "Huh?"

The cop says, "I know that two miles down the road you're gonna say, "I wish that sucker would've tried that stuff with me!"

 

[kevinmac_99]

CAN YOU SAY HEDGE PLAY?

CAN YOU SAY HEDGE PLAY?

The $100 Bet
A man walks up to the bartender and says, "I bet you $100 dollars that I can stand on your bar and leak into a jar without spilling a drop."

The bartender laughs and tells him that is it such an impossible bet, he'll take it. So the man stands up on the bar, and cheering to his friends in the back, begins to leak.

He not only misses the jar, but doesn't even get a single drop in. He pisses all over the bar and floor and over the bartender. When he is done the bartender is still laughing and asks the man to give him the hundred bucks. The man hands over the money and smiles at the bartender.

The bartender asks him what is so funny when he just obviously lost so badly. The man replies, " I just bet my friends $1000 that I could leak all over you and your bar and not only would you not mind, but you would find it hilariously funny!".

 

[kevinmac_99]

This is for all my Country friends down South......

This is for all my Country friends down South......

http://www.marksfridayfunnies.com/sound/rodeo.zip

KMAC

 

[Felonious Monk]

Here ya go you sick fuhks....

The Link