Good Joke Thread!

[Bluemound Freak]

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging
over the bar which reads:

Cheese Sandwich: $1.50
Chicken Sandwich: $2.50
Hand Job: $10.00

Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar
and beckons to one of the three attractive blondes serving drinks to an
eager-looking group of men.

"Yes," she inquires with a knowing smile, "can I help you?"

"I was wondering," whispers the man, "are you the one
who gives the hand-jobs?"

"Yes," she purrs, "indeed I am."

The man replies "Well please wash your hands because
I want a cheese sandwich!"

 

[heleanth]

I heard Buddy Hackett tell this one on the Tonight Show many years ago:

An older Jewish gentleman was sitting in a bar waiting for his wife when a lady of the night approached him..

"How much?" he asked politely.

"Two hundred", she answered.

"And what do I get for my two hundred?"

She answers, "For two hundred, I will do anything you want me to do!" And then she adds, with a twinkle in her eye, "The only condition is that you must tell me what you want in exactly three word!"

The gentleman thinks about that for a minute and then peels two crisp one hundred dollar bills out of his wallet, hands them to her, looks her right in the eye, and says, "Paint my house."

 

[marine]

What's black and blue, and HATES sex?



a rape victim!
:nono:

 

[MadJack]

buddy hackette.....gotta love the guy. one of my all time faves

 

[AR182]

Buddy Hackett, that's a name from the past. I also thought that he was a funny guy. Does anyone know if he is still alive?

This joke is for Buddy:

A reporter goes to Israel to cover the fighting. She is looking for something emotional & positive & of human interest. Something like that guy in Sarajevo who risked his life to play the cello everyday in the townsquare. In Jerusalem, she heard about an old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, every day for many, many years. So she went to check this man out. She goes to the wall & sure enough there he is! She watches him pray & after about 1 hour, when he turns to leave, she appraches him for an interview. " Rebecca Smith,CNN News. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wailing Wall to pray?" "For about 50 years," the man replied. "What do you pray for?, the reporter asked. The man said," I pray for peace between the Jews & the Arabs. For all the hatred to stop. For our children to grow up in safety & friendship." " How do you feel after doing this for 50 years?" "Like I'm talking to a fuking wall!"

 

[PAWAQATSI]

Sent to me today....

Q: What's the first thing a woman does when she gets out of the battered wives' shelter??
A: The dishes.....if she knows what's good for her!!


Q: How do New Zealanders practice safe sex??
A: They paint an "X" on the animals that kick

( sorry Anders:shrug: )

 

[BahamaMama]

Two delicate flowers of Southern womanhood (one of whom was from Texas)
were conversing on the porch swing of a large white-pillared mansion.
The first woman, who was not from Texas, said, "When my first child was
born, my husband built this beautiful mansion for me."

The Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice??"

The first woman continued, "When my second child was born, my husband
bought me that fine Cadillac automobile you see parked in the drive."

Again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice??"

The first woman boasted "Then, when my third child was born, my husband
bought me this exquisite diamond bracelet."

Yet again, the Texas lady commented, "Well, isn't that nice??"

The first woman then asked her companion, "What did you husband buy for
you when you had your first child?"

The Texas lady replied "My husband sent me to charm school."

"Charm school!", the first woman cried, "Land sakes, child, what on
Earth for?"

The Texas lady responded, "So that instead of saying who gives a f*ck' I
learned to say, 'Well, isn't that nice?'"

 

[Blitz]

A perfect example of why men are so often NOT secretaries . . .

Husband's note on refrigerator to his wife:

"Someone from the Guyna Colleges called.
They said the Pabst beer is normal.
I didn't know you liked beer. "

:toast: :drinky: