Dennis Millers Rant
Dennis Millers Rant
This is from last year but I think it deserves to be said again.
Did you guys see the Grammys the other night? Christ, there are more
subcategories than Larry Flynt's home video library. I think
somebody actually won for "Best Silence."
Now, I don't want to get off on a rant here, but the music industry
is in more trouble than a late-shift radar operator in Baghdad.
Hey, lets put our cards on the obsolete turntable. The Music Industry
has nothing to do with music. What you hear on the radio today is
one-half marketing, one-half public relations and two-thirds timing.
And if that math makes sense to you, you probably work in the
Royalties Department at any one of the major labels.
Now, I watched the Grammy Awards on Wednesday, and all I kept
thinking was, "Hey, where's a rolling blackout when you really need
one?" I couldn't help but be struck by the fact that, while our
founding fathers guaranteed us all the right to freedom of speech,
they never said anything about singing, OK? A lot of this stuff is
just shit, and unwrapping the CD is often more complex than the
thought that went into the music.
I love music. It gives you something to listen to while you're
watching videos. And make no mistake, the music industry has turned
itself into a visual medium and, that being the case, I feel I'm
within my rights to respectfully request that the members of Steely
Dan never be allowed to
appear on a prime-time telecast ever again. For Christ's sake, for a
second there, I thought I was watching "The X-Files." Is it just me,
or do the two guys in Steely Dan look like Ben & Jerry
coming out of rehab? The only reason Steely Dans latest album is
selling so well is that
50-year-olds don't know how to download it for free.
You know why Eminem showed up at the Grammy's? Because it sells.
Eminem isn't about freedom of speech as much as he is about the
freedom to make a buck. He isn't peddling his songs underground to
get his point across; he needs controversy to keep him famous because
of his unfortunate dearth of talent. He stops selling records, and no
one gives a **** about his freedom of speech anymore. You think Gino
Vanelli stopped making records because he gave up the right to his
freedom of speech?
You know what? I like Eminem. Not because he's funny, or because I
like his music. I just like what he has to say about women and gays
.. Wait, I don't mean that. That's just an ironic character I'm
playing, casting light on our society's new wave of political
correctness.
Before you focus too much of your time and energy on loathing Eminem
for his music, let me spin this little scenario for you.
Marilyn Manson spent Wednesday night watching the Grammys on a
13-inch black-and-white
television set with a coat hanger for an antenna, at a Grange Hall in
Bismark, North Dakota, after unveiling his apocalyptic vision for the
future to fifty or so pasty-faced Goth losers who left during the
encore so they could get home and watch "Temptation Island." And trust
me, Manson
was so depressed that he is no longer in the crosshairs of the
hate-rock controversy, he could barely wriggle out of his fake vagina
suit.
People like Eminem get all the attention, but the music industry is
still very much alive, pulsating with vibrant, unique, and indeed
weltanschauung-shaping musicians. Beck's "Midnite Vultures" offers a
fiery, eclectic mingling of genres that we've not witnessed since
"Exile On Mainstreet." Radiohead's "Kid A" has picked up Pink Floyd's
torch to help illuminate the cringing fears of a lurching generation
unable to shake their parents post-Kerouacian haze. 'N Sync's
silvery, almost symphonic harmonies pick up where early Hanson left
off, suggesting optimistic
redemption with dulcet choruses that say you may not love me now, but
I can try, try, try.
Pop music has a rich legacy of ripping people off.
First, the white musicians stole from the blacks. Then, the
producers stole from the performers. Then, the performers and the
producers formed an alliance to steal from us by charging 19 dollars
for a CD with only one halfway decent song on it. So I for one salute
Napster, because
it's high time the public finally had an opportunity to horn in on a
piece of the action. Considering how badly you get ****ed every time
you go into a record store, I have to assume Richard Branson was
trying to be ironic when he named the place Virgin.
Now, industry people will tell you that Napster is unfair, and denies
musicians of their rightful, hard-earned cash. But musicians are
going to waste their hard-earned cash anyway, OK? They're musicians.
Napster will only be a serious problem for the industry when it starts
cutting into a musician's anonymous backstage blowjob residuals.
Hey, the bottom line on Napster is, it means no more paying for
overpriced CD's and putting money into the pockets of the bloated,
corrupt media conglomerates. All you need is a computer with a
high-speed modem, extra memory, a CD-ROM attachment, an extra phone
line, Internet access, a CD burner, blank CD's, a how-to manual, and
NO ****ING LIFE.
You know what-- the music industry has always been about the coin.
If they'd been invented at the time, Mozart would've sold t-shirts in
the back of the hall. And Ticketmaestro would've skimmed their 20%
off the top.
While the sounds of U2 might be music to our ears, all the music
industry hears is the soothing chime of the cash register. But the one
thing you have to say about the music business is, for the
artists, if the product is great, it'll also be timeless. All you
have to do is look at the Billboard
charts to see that The Beatles are just as popular today as they were
when Yoko broke them up. Not that I dwell on that. And Yoko, by the
way, if you're out there listening tonight, why dont you
level your karma and start dating one of the Baha Men, OK?
Of course, that's just my opinion. I could be wrong.
Dennis Miller
