Just like to wish everyone in the Golf Forum a Happy Christmas and a prosperous betting New Year - just thought I would leave you with a few jokes on golf
Jack was not feeling well, bad enough that his wife Pat had to go and get the test results from the doctor. "Now Pat, I don't exactly know what
is the problem is -- Jack may even die if he doesn't get the right treatment. The only thing is the right treatment is going to seem a little
strange. Jack needs to golf as often as he has strength and you need to give him all the sex he can handle." Pat nodded and left. When she got
home, Jack was anxious to find out what his test results were. "Well Pat, what did Doc have to say? Pat looked him straight in the face. "Your
gonna die."
Two golfers were playing along somewhere near the edge of the course. One of them gazed across the fence and remarked, "Look at those
idiots over there ice skating in this blizzard!"
It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Joe was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the
clubhouse loudspeaker - "Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee please back up to the men's tee, please!" Joe was still deep in his routine,
seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement - "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up the men's tee!" Joe
had had enough. He shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!"
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and
speed, driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!" The guy answers,
"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man-- you don't stand a snowball's
chance in hell of hitting her from here!"
A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking towards his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with
pain.
"I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5,000."
"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'."
"I'll take it!", the attorney said.
A golfer ran into a friend he not seen for years at the driving range one day. They talked about their games, their swings, and all sorts of
things. Eventually, one of them said, "How's the family?" The other replied, "Oh, pretty good. I got a new set of clubs for the wife the other
day!" "Hey, good trade!" replied the friend!
This is a true story. After hacking my way around a course with a professional golfer, I asked him what the problem was with my game. He
answered cooly and casually, "It's simple, you're standing too close to your ball............after you hit it"!
A grandfather and grandson were playing golf together. On a severly dog-legged par 4, the grandfather told the grandson, "When I was your
age, I'd aim right over those trees and hit the green every time." The grandson thought about that comment and decided to give it a try. He hit
a long high drive, but it failed to carry the forrest. The grandson looked sadly at the grandfather who said, "Of course when I was your age,
they were sapplings."
I was recently playing a round of golf with a nice young fellow. On the first hole, which was a long par four with water to the right and a deep
ravine to the left, the young man took out a brand new sleeve of balls, teed one up and immediately hit it into the water on the right.
Undaunted, he pulled another ball from the sleeve and hit that one into the ravine, as well. Then he took the last ball from the sleeve and hit it,
too, into the water. He then reached into his bag and pulled out another brand new sleeve of balls. "Why don't you hit an old ball?" I asked.
He responded, "I've never had an old ball."
A man, playing alone walks up to the tee and asked the foursome in front of him if he could play through. The problem is the man is deaf and
he couldn't talk. He ended up writing his request on a piece of paper and gave it to the foursome, at which one of the golfers tore the paper up
and laughed in his face. About the tenth hole, the deaf man was getting so irritated with the slow play of the foursome he decided hewas fed
up with it. The foursome were just about to hit their second shots, when all of a sudden a ball flew by their heads almost hitting the man who
tore up the paper. They all looked back and all they could see was the deaf man holding up four fingers.
God and the devil decided to play a round of golf one day, just for the fun of it. The devil drew honors on the first hole and hit a perfect drive
280 yards that split the fairway. God teed up and hit an ugly duck hook that headed straight out of bounds into the woods. The ball bounced
madly off one tree then another and then miraculously popped out high in the air back toward the fairway. Instead of landing safely in the
fairway, however, the ball landed square on the back of a dove flying by. The dove carried the ball toward the green, 400 yards away.
Unfortunately, the ball slipped off the dove's back into the water hazard just short of the green. No sooner had the ball plopped into the water
when a giant water spout arose and lifted the ball up into the air, onto the green and into the cup for an ace. The devil shook his head
disgustedly and asked, "Do you want to play golf or do you want to screw around?"
A priest, Jesus, and an old man tee off. The priest drives the green within 5 yards of the hole. Jesus slices the ball and it goes into the water
hazard. He quickly runs across the water and hits his second onto the green 2 inches from the hole. The old man tees off with a short worm
burner that trickles into the hazard. Soon after a fish eats the ball and swims across the pond with it in its mouth. Just then an eagle swoops
down and snatches the fish with the golf ball and flies off. The eagle loses its grip and drops the fish on the green. The fish then spits out the
ball and it rolls into the hole for a hole in one. Jesus turns to the old man and replies, "Play fair dad!"
Lee Trevino and Chi Chi Rodriguez were playing golf. As they walked down the 13th fairway, they saw a string of Port-O-Johns on the side.
Trying to get Chi Chi's goat, Lee said, "Where I come from, we call those Puerto Rican condominiums." Not to be outdone, Chi Chi retorted,
"That's right. We own them proudly. We even rent the basements out to the Mexicans."
A woman was cleaning her husbands dresser drawers when she found 3 golf balls and a box with $2000 in it. She waited for him to come
home from the golf course to ask him why these things were hidden in his dresser drawer. The husband said I'm sorry I hid this from you
but the truth is everytime I cheated on you over the last 30 years I put a golf ball in the drawer. The wife was very upset at first but after
thinking about it said "I guess 3 times in 30 years is really not that bad! Oh by the way what is the $2000 in the drawer. The husband
replied" Well every time I got to a dozen balls I sold them.
Jack was not feeling well, bad enough that his wife Pat had to go and get the test results from the doctor. "Now Pat, I don't exactly know what
is the problem is -- Jack may even die if he doesn't get the right treatment. The only thing is the right treatment is going to seem a little
strange. Jack needs to golf as often as he has strength and you need to give him all the sex he can handle." Pat nodded and left. When she got
home, Jack was anxious to find out what his test results were. "Well Pat, what did Doc have to say? Pat looked him straight in the face. "Your
gonna die."
Two golfers were playing along somewhere near the edge of the course. One of them gazed across the fence and remarked, "Look at those
idiots over there ice skating in this blizzard!"
It was a sunny Saturday morning, and Joe was beginning his pre-shot routine, visualizing his upcoming shot when a voice came over the
clubhouse loudspeaker - "Would the gentleman on the Ladies tee please back up to the men's tee, please!" Joe was still deep in his routine,
seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement - "Would the man on the women's tee kindly back up the men's tee!" Joe
had had enough. He shouted, "Would the announcer in the clubhouse kindly shut up and let me play my second shot!"
A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and
speed, driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the hell is taking so long? Hit the damned ball!" The guy answers,
"My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Forget it, man-- you don't stand a snowball's
chance in hell of hitting her from here!"
A golfer hooked his tee shot over a hill and onto the next fairway. Walking towards his ball, he saw a man lying on the ground, groaning with
pain.
"I'm an attorney," the wincing man said, "and this is going to cost you $5,000."
"I'm sorry, I'm really sorry," the concerned golfer replied. "But I did yell 'fore'."
"I'll take it!", the attorney said.
A golfer ran into a friend he not seen for years at the driving range one day. They talked about their games, their swings, and all sorts of
things. Eventually, one of them said, "How's the family?" The other replied, "Oh, pretty good. I got a new set of clubs for the wife the other
day!" "Hey, good trade!" replied the friend!
This is a true story. After hacking my way around a course with a professional golfer, I asked him what the problem was with my game. He
answered cooly and casually, "It's simple, you're standing too close to your ball............after you hit it"!
A grandfather and grandson were playing golf together. On a severly dog-legged par 4, the grandfather told the grandson, "When I was your
age, I'd aim right over those trees and hit the green every time." The grandson thought about that comment and decided to give it a try. He hit
a long high drive, but it failed to carry the forrest. The grandson looked sadly at the grandfather who said, "Of course when I was your age,
they were sapplings."
I was recently playing a round of golf with a nice young fellow. On the first hole, which was a long par four with water to the right and a deep
ravine to the left, the young man took out a brand new sleeve of balls, teed one up and immediately hit it into the water on the right.
Undaunted, he pulled another ball from the sleeve and hit that one into the ravine, as well. Then he took the last ball from the sleeve and hit it,
too, into the water. He then reached into his bag and pulled out another brand new sleeve of balls. "Why don't you hit an old ball?" I asked.
He responded, "I've never had an old ball."
A man, playing alone walks up to the tee and asked the foursome in front of him if he could play through. The problem is the man is deaf and
he couldn't talk. He ended up writing his request on a piece of paper and gave it to the foursome, at which one of the golfers tore the paper up
and laughed in his face. About the tenth hole, the deaf man was getting so irritated with the slow play of the foursome he decided hewas fed
up with it. The foursome were just about to hit their second shots, when all of a sudden a ball flew by their heads almost hitting the man who
tore up the paper. They all looked back and all they could see was the deaf man holding up four fingers.
God and the devil decided to play a round of golf one day, just for the fun of it. The devil drew honors on the first hole and hit a perfect drive
280 yards that split the fairway. God teed up and hit an ugly duck hook that headed straight out of bounds into the woods. The ball bounced
madly off one tree then another and then miraculously popped out high in the air back toward the fairway. Instead of landing safely in the
fairway, however, the ball landed square on the back of a dove flying by. The dove carried the ball toward the green, 400 yards away.
Unfortunately, the ball slipped off the dove's back into the water hazard just short of the green. No sooner had the ball plopped into the water
when a giant water spout arose and lifted the ball up into the air, onto the green and into the cup for an ace. The devil shook his head
disgustedly and asked, "Do you want to play golf or do you want to screw around?"
A priest, Jesus, and an old man tee off. The priest drives the green within 5 yards of the hole. Jesus slices the ball and it goes into the water
hazard. He quickly runs across the water and hits his second onto the green 2 inches from the hole. The old man tees off with a short worm
burner that trickles into the hazard. Soon after a fish eats the ball and swims across the pond with it in its mouth. Just then an eagle swoops
down and snatches the fish with the golf ball and flies off. The eagle loses its grip and drops the fish on the green. The fish then spits out the
ball and it rolls into the hole for a hole in one. Jesus turns to the old man and replies, "Play fair dad!"
Lee Trevino and Chi Chi Rodriguez were playing golf. As they walked down the 13th fairway, they saw a string of Port-O-Johns on the side.
Trying to get Chi Chi's goat, Lee said, "Where I come from, we call those Puerto Rican condominiums." Not to be outdone, Chi Chi retorted,
"That's right. We own them proudly. We even rent the basements out to the Mexicans."
A woman was cleaning her husbands dresser drawers when she found 3 golf balls and a box with $2000 in it. She waited for him to come
home from the golf course to ask him why these things were hidden in his dresser drawer. The husband said I'm sorry I hid this from you
but the truth is everytime I cheated on you over the last 30 years I put a golf ball in the drawer. The wife was very upset at first but after
thinking about it said "I guess 3 times in 30 years is really not that bad! Oh by the way what is the $2000 in the drawer. The husband
replied" Well every time I got to a dozen balls I sold them.
