home sick, entertain me Monk.......
- Thread starter theGibber1
- Start date
Hey Gib sorry to hear your feeling under the weather. Hope you haven't caught that nasty case of genital warts thats going around! I think Monk went to the Free Clinic today to get checked and that's why he hasn't posted something here for you yet! Well Being free of Genital Warts I need not go to the free clinic today and I have a minute to try to cheer up a fellow MJ'er. Here is a list of comments for Men Who are Fed up with Womens Repulsive Nagging!! Hope you enjoy there is more to follow!
Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you
need
it down. You don't hear us whining about you leaving it down.
ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act
like
soap opera guys.
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to
answer.
Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short
hair.
One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women
always
cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can
find
the perfect present yet again!
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
don't want to hear.
Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss
such
topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, monster trucks or Beer.
Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let
it
be.
Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work.
Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!
No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the
calendar.
Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.
Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any
good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your
dress?
Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we
do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Foreign films are best left to foreigners. Unless it's Bruce Lee or some
war
flick where it doesn't really matter what the #@&! * they're saying anyway.
Check your oil.
It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments
become null and void after 7 days.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.
You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something, but
not
both.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
If it itches, it will be scratched.
BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's
wrong.
We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.
Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight,
but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping!
Maybe there are some dirty pictures out there that you may enjoy, you know with all that free time you have today
:shrug:
Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you
need
it down. You don't hear us whining about you leaving it down.
ALL men see in only 16 colors. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act
like
soap opera guys.
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to
answer.
Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short
hair.
One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women
always
cut their hair, and by then you're stuck with her.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can
find
the perfect present yet again!
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you
don't want to hear.
Sometimes, we're not thinking about you. Live with it.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss
such
topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, monster trucks or Beer.
Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let
it
be.
Shopping is not a sport, and no, we're never going to think of it that way.
When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
You have enough clothes.
You have too many shoes.
Crying is blackmail.
Ask for what you want. Let's be clear on this one: Subtle hints don't work.
Strong hints don't work. Really obvious hints don't work. Just say it!
No, we don't know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on the
calendar.
Peeing standing up is more difficult. We're bound to miss sometimes.
Most guys own three pairs of shoes. What makes you think we'd be any
good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your
dress?
Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we
do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Foreign films are best left to foreigners. Unless it's Bruce Lee or some
war
flick where it doesn't really matter what the #@&! * they're saying anyway.
Check your oil.
It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments
become null and void after 7 days.
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways
makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. We're going to look anyway; it's genetic.
You can either tell us to do something OR tell us how to do something, but
not
both.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
If it itches, it will be scratched.
BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
If we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's
wrong.
We know you're lying, but it's just not worth the hassle.
Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch
tonight,
but did you know we really don't mind that, it's like camping!
Maybe there are some dirty pictures out there that you may enjoy, you know with all that free time you have today
:shrug:
Here's a good one!
>The mind of a six-year old is wonderful. First
>grade...true story.
>
>One day the first grade teacher was reading the story
>of Chicken Little to >her class. She came to the part
>of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the
>farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up
>to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky
>is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class,
>"And what do you think that farmer said?"
>
>One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he
>said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
>The mind of a six-year old is wonderful. First
>grade...true story.
>
>One day the first grade teacher was reading the story
>of Chicken Little to >her class. She came to the part
>of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the
>farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up
>to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky
>is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class,
>"And what do you think that farmer said?"
>
>One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he
>said: 'Holy Shit! A talking chicken!'"
OUCH!
> A story sent into the Orlando Sentinel.
> Wrong kind of ball washer
> 2000 Reader Submission
> Pending Acceptance
>
> Latest Darwin Award Nominee [Orlando Sentinel]
>
> Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everett
Sanchez
> tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf
course.
> Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez
> managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the
machine.
> Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning
the
> crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging
them
> solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his
threshold of
> pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch.
> Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more
than a
> foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal
stance, and
> the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open
during
> the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained
in
> the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and
flattened as
> it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating
> machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300
driver
> that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to
balance
> himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the
remaining
> two were asked to leave the course
> A story sent into the Orlando Sentinel.
> Wrong kind of ball washer
> 2000 Reader Submission
> Pending Acceptance
>
> Latest Darwin Award Nominee [Orlando Sentinel]
>
> Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everett
Sanchez
> tried to wash his own "balls" in a ball washer at the local golf
course.
> Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez
> managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the
machine.
> Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning
the
> crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging
them
> solidly in the mechanism. Sanchez, who immediately passed his
threshold of
> pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch.
> Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more
than a
> foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal
stance, and
> the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open
during
> the fall, and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained
in
> the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and
flattened as
> it was pulled between the housing of the washer, and the rotating
> machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300
driver
> that he had just purchased from the pro shop, and was using to
balance
> himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery, and the
remaining
> two were asked to leave the course
A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and has the following exchange:
Officer:
May I see your driver's license?
Driver:
I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer:
May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver:
It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer:
The car is stolen?
Driver:
That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the
glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer:
There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver:
Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns
this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer:
There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver:
Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was
quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle
the tense situation:
Captain:
Sir, can I see your license?
Driver:
Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain:
Who's car is this?
Driver:
It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain:
Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver:
Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain:
Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver:
No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain:
I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you
didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that
there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver:
Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too
Officer:
May I see your driver's license?
Driver:
I don't have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
Officer:
May I see the owner's card for this vehicle?
Driver:
It's not my car. I stole it.
Officer:
The car is stolen?
Driver:
That's right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner's card in the
glove box when I was putting my gun in there.
Officer:
There's a gun in the glove box?
Driver:
Yes sir. That's where I put it after I shot and killed the woman who owns
this car and stuffed her in the trunk.
Officer:
There's a BODY in the TRUNK?!?!?
Driver:
Yes, sir.
Hearing this, the officer immediately called his captain. The car was
quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the driver to handle
the tense situation:
Captain:
Sir, can I see your license?
Driver:
Sure. Here it is.
It was valid.
Captain:
Who's car is this?
Driver:
It's mine, officer. Here's the owner' card.
The driver owned the car.
Captain:
Could you slowly open your glove box so I can see if there's a gun in it?
Driver:
Yes, sir, but there's no gun in it.
Sure enough, there was nothing in the glove box.
Captain:
Would you mind opening your trunk? I was told you said there's a body in it.
Driver:
No problem.
Trunk is opened; no body.
Captain:
I don't understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you
didn't have a license, stole the car, had a gun in the glovebox, and that
there was a dead body in the trunk.
Driver:
Yeah, I'll bet the lying s.o.b. told you I was speeding, too
Gibber, get well soon. No pictures here, but I always enjoyed how stupid people are. Here are the Darwin Awards, presented posthumously (duh!)....
http://www.tiac.net/users/cri/darwin00b.html
http://www.tiac.net/users/cri/darwin00b.html
just woke up from my nap.............and now im laughing my ass off. that was just what the doc. ordered. thanks mates!!
i havent thrown up since 5th grade, not sure what i got but its nasty.
freak i dont think its Genital warts. but im going to a doctor anyway in hopes of getting my penis handeled a bit.
thanks guys keep em comming
i havent thrown up since 5th grade, not sure what i got but its nasty.
freak i dont think its Genital warts. but im going to a doctor anyway in hopes of getting my penis handeled a bit.
thanks guys keep em comming
