This is a column I write for a different site, but I figured I'd post it here just to get some opinions.
Hopefully it is pleasurable.
VD
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Comparing apples to oranges has been an antediluvian faux pas that has cherry picked from generation to generation dating back to the time of Adam and Eve. It was the Evil Serpent who surreptitiously rotted the mind of Eve, convincing her to draw a parallel between the produce of the Forbidden Tree of Knowledge and the produce of all the legal trees. Though a finger pointing and a citric yelp of ?He started it? bears fruit for a deceiving comparison, it is more important to freshly squeeze the moral that history has a tendency of repeating itself rather than releasing a meaningless crop of blame. Malevolent snakes who incessantly try to equate polar opposites like Chocolate Chip and Oatmeal Raisin, Lindsay Lohan and Alexa Vega, and most disgustingly, Kobe Bryant and Michael Jordan still exist to this day. As we stand on the brink of the unconscionable Shaquille O?Neal trade, once Diesel?s departed, the only Jordan-esque mention of Kobe Bryant will be his ability to persist to a basket ? other than his wife?s.
Admittedly, seeing Shaquille O?Neal in a dissimilar jersey than crybaby Kobe Bryant will be more startling than watching an episode of Entertainment Tonight without an appearance by Clay Aiken. While the musical merit produced by this former runner up to American Idol Ruben Studdard has been virtually ?Invisible?, so have the credentials of Bryant?s career when subtracting Shaq?s impact. Never mind the deafening comparison between the Lakers superior record when just Shaq suits up versus when the Lakers only dress Kobe, review the intangibles that The Big Man offers which improve the melody of all the tunes sung about number eight, a player that is touted to be the next Jordan. Consider the mere point that defenses were so biased towards Shaq?s positioning every second he danced on the floor that the crucial space opened up was enough room for Derek Fisher and Devean George to make a career. As soon as Shaq stepped out for a breather, defenders blanketed the ordinary role-players and the Laker?s offense became as painful as the New Jersey Nets half-court game. On any other team, grizzly veterans like A.C. Green, Rick Fox, Horace Grant, and Robert Horry would be vying for 12th man of the year awards but thanks to Shaq?s presence, they were encouraged to lace up their Puma?s longer than expected. So if Shaq Viagra-ed all these individuals to overachieve during their extended stints with the Lakers, shouldn?t Kobe return some of the praise he?s thefted from The Man of Steel? Sure Kobe is prime in the 4th quarter, but Allen Iverson, Tracy McGrady, and Stephon Marbury would be just as clutch if they had the most dominant player in the game distracting defense. Sure Kobe takes game-winning jumpers, but he also takes the before offensive sets jumper, the fast-break by myself jumper, the double-teamed jumper?Kobe is good, but Shaq makes him better.
Wouldn?t it be strange if Louis Anderson determined that the best pizza he had ever porked out on was Domino?s, and then when trying a pie at Pizza Hut the following day redefined his definition of ?best? after only one bite? What if Ashlee Simpson?s was touted as the best female singer after only one single? What if Kobe Bryant was deemed to be the best free agent of all-time, as well as the best player of all time before his career was even finished? To establish the best performance, taste, or career, the measurement has to be fully completed. For Kobe to be the best ever, he needs to read the book that Dr. Leo Marvin gave Bob Wiley in the 1991 movie ?What About Bob?? entitled Baby Steps, and become the preeminent player on his squad. With Shaq around he?s always been the second prong on the fork. Assuming that?s completed, for Kobe to gain enough respect to tie Michael Jordan?s son?s shoe-laces, Kobe needs to change his attitude. Did Jordan ever have publicized squabbles with his coach and flout plays that were requested for the team? Did Jordan ever berate Scottie Pippen, or feign a gleeful face when another individual claimed the tag of hero? Did Jordan ever quit (in season) on his teammates like Bryant just did in the 2004 NBA Finals? Until Kobe crosses these ?to-do? things off his list, then he can just hog the ball, and obey his thirst because?
Shaq?s bags are packed and he?s ready to go,
He?s standing here outside the door,
He?d hate to wake up Kobe to say goodbye,
Because he?s leaving on a jet plane,
Kobe?s talent will never be the same again,
Oh babe I hate to go?
John Denver and Kobe Bryant mix like Mondays and me.
?It?s never too late to be what you might have been? ? George Eliot
Hopefully it is pleasurable.
VD
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Comparing apples to oranges has been an antediluvian faux pas that has cherry picked from generation to generation dating back to the time of Adam and Eve. It was the Evil Serpent who surreptitiously rotted the mind of Eve, convincing her to draw a parallel between the produce of the Forbidden Tree of Knowledge and the produce of all the legal trees. Though a finger pointing and a citric yelp of ?He started it? bears fruit for a deceiving comparison, it is more important to freshly squeeze the moral that history has a tendency of repeating itself rather than releasing a meaningless crop of blame. Malevolent snakes who incessantly try to equate polar opposites like Chocolate Chip and Oatmeal Raisin, Lindsay Lohan and Alexa Vega, and most disgustingly, Kobe Bryant and Michael Jordan still exist to this day. As we stand on the brink of the unconscionable Shaquille O?Neal trade, once Diesel?s departed, the only Jordan-esque mention of Kobe Bryant will be his ability to persist to a basket ? other than his wife?s.
Admittedly, seeing Shaquille O?Neal in a dissimilar jersey than crybaby Kobe Bryant will be more startling than watching an episode of Entertainment Tonight without an appearance by Clay Aiken. While the musical merit produced by this former runner up to American Idol Ruben Studdard has been virtually ?Invisible?, so have the credentials of Bryant?s career when subtracting Shaq?s impact. Never mind the deafening comparison between the Lakers superior record when just Shaq suits up versus when the Lakers only dress Kobe, review the intangibles that The Big Man offers which improve the melody of all the tunes sung about number eight, a player that is touted to be the next Jordan. Consider the mere point that defenses were so biased towards Shaq?s positioning every second he danced on the floor that the crucial space opened up was enough room for Derek Fisher and Devean George to make a career. As soon as Shaq stepped out for a breather, defenders blanketed the ordinary role-players and the Laker?s offense became as painful as the New Jersey Nets half-court game. On any other team, grizzly veterans like A.C. Green, Rick Fox, Horace Grant, and Robert Horry would be vying for 12th man of the year awards but thanks to Shaq?s presence, they were encouraged to lace up their Puma?s longer than expected. So if Shaq Viagra-ed all these individuals to overachieve during their extended stints with the Lakers, shouldn?t Kobe return some of the praise he?s thefted from The Man of Steel? Sure Kobe is prime in the 4th quarter, but Allen Iverson, Tracy McGrady, and Stephon Marbury would be just as clutch if they had the most dominant player in the game distracting defense. Sure Kobe takes game-winning jumpers, but he also takes the before offensive sets jumper, the fast-break by myself jumper, the double-teamed jumper?Kobe is good, but Shaq makes him better.
Wouldn?t it be strange if Louis Anderson determined that the best pizza he had ever porked out on was Domino?s, and then when trying a pie at Pizza Hut the following day redefined his definition of ?best? after only one bite? What if Ashlee Simpson?s was touted as the best female singer after only one single? What if Kobe Bryant was deemed to be the best free agent of all-time, as well as the best player of all time before his career was even finished? To establish the best performance, taste, or career, the measurement has to be fully completed. For Kobe to be the best ever, he needs to read the book that Dr. Leo Marvin gave Bob Wiley in the 1991 movie ?What About Bob?? entitled Baby Steps, and become the preeminent player on his squad. With Shaq around he?s always been the second prong on the fork. Assuming that?s completed, for Kobe to gain enough respect to tie Michael Jordan?s son?s shoe-laces, Kobe needs to change his attitude. Did Jordan ever have publicized squabbles with his coach and flout plays that were requested for the team? Did Jordan ever berate Scottie Pippen, or feign a gleeful face when another individual claimed the tag of hero? Did Jordan ever quit (in season) on his teammates like Bryant just did in the 2004 NBA Finals? Until Kobe crosses these ?to-do? things off his list, then he can just hog the ball, and obey his thirst because?
Shaq?s bags are packed and he?s ready to go,
He?s standing here outside the door,
He?d hate to wake up Kobe to say goodbye,
Because he?s leaving on a jet plane,
Kobe?s talent will never be the same again,
Oh babe I hate to go?
John Denver and Kobe Bryant mix like Mondays and me.
?It?s never too late to be what you might have been? ? George Eliot
