For those of you who haven't seen this -
Subject: Social Engineering
For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day
when you just need to take it out on someone!!! Don't
take that bad day out on someone you know, take it out
on someone you DON'T know!!!
Now get this. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered
a phone call I had to make. I found the number and dialed
it. A man answered nicely saying, "Hello?"
I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and could I please
speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed
down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that
rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her.
She had transposed the last two digits incorrectly. After I
hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying
there on my desk. I decided to call it again. When the same
person once more answered, I yelled "You're an asshole!"
and hung up. Next to his phone number I wrote the word
"asshole," and put it in my desk drawer.
Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills, or had a
really bad day, I'd call him up. He'd answer, and I'd yell,
"You're an asshole!" It would always cheer me up.
Later in the year the Phone Company introduced caller ID.
This was a real disappointment for me, I would have to stop
calling the asshole.
Then one day I had an idea. I dialed his number, then heard
his voice, "Hello." I made up a name. "Hi. This is the sales
office of the telephone company and I'm just calling to see if
you're familiar with our caller ID program?"
He went, "No!" and slammed the phone down.
I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an
asshole!"
The reason I took the time to tell you this story, is to show you
how if there's ever anything really bothering you, you can do
something about it. Just dial 823-4863.
[Keep reading, it gets better.]
The old lady at the mall really took her time pulling out of the
parking place. I didn't think she was ever going to leave.
Finally, her car began to move and she started to very slowly
back out of the slot. I backed up a little more to give her
plenty of room to pull out. Great, I thought, she's finally leaving.
All of a sudden this black Camaro come flying up the parking
aisle in the wrong direction and pulls into her space. I started
honking my horn and yelling, "You can't just do that, Buddy. I
was here first!"
The guy climbed out of his Camaro completely ignoring me.
He walked toward the mall as if he didn't even hear me. I
thought to myself, this guy's an asshole, there sure are a lot of
assholes in this world. I noticed he had a "For Sale" sign in
the back window of his car. I wrote down the number. Then I
hunted for another place to park.
A couple of days later, I'm at home sitting at my desk. I had just
gotten off the phone after calling 823-4863 and yelling, "You're an
asshole!" (It's really easy to call him now since I have his number
on speed dial.) I noticed the phone number of the guy with the
black Camaro lying on my desk and thought I'd better call this
guy, too.
After a couple rings someone answered the phone and said,
"Hello."
I said, "Is this the man with the black Camaro for sale?"
"Yes, it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th street. It's a yellow house and the
car's parked right out front."
I said, "What's your name?"
"My name is Don Hansen."
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home in the evenings."
"Listen Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes,"
"Don, you're an asshole!" And I slammed the phone down.
After I hung up I added Don Hansen's number to my speed dialer.
For a while things seemed to be going better for me. Now when
I had a problem I had two assholes to call. Then, after several
months of calling the assholes and hanging up on them, it just
wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. I gave the problem some
serious thought and came up with a solution:
First, I had my phone dial asshole #1. A man answered nicely
saying, "Hello."
I yelled "You're an asshole!", but I didn't hang up.
The asshole said, "Are you still there?"
I said, "Yeah."
He said, "Stop calling me."
I said, "No."
He said, "What's your name, Pal?"
I said, "Don Hansen."
He said "Where do you live?"
"1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and my black
Camaro's parked out front."
"I'm coming over right now, Don. You'd better start saying
your prayers."
"Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole!" and I hung up.
Then I called asshole #2. He answered, "Hello."
I said, "Hello, asshole!"
He said, "If I ever find out who you are..."
"You'll what?"
"I'll kick your butt."
"Well, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now, asshole!"
And I hung up. Then I picked up the phone and called the police.
I told them I was at 1802 West 34th Street and that I was going to
kill my gay lover as soon as he got home.
Another quick call to Channel 13 about the gang war going on
down W. 34th Street.
After that I climbed into my car and headed over to 34th Street to
watch the whole thing.
Glorious!
Watching two assholes kicking the crap out of each other in front
of 6 squad cars and a police helicopter was one of the greatest
experiences of my life!
Name withheld to protect the guilty.
