As those of yuz that have known me for awhile may remember, December 23rd is kind of a special day around here. Some time Sunday, I?d appreciate it if you?d raise a glass of your favorite libation and say these three words. ?Happy Birthday, Snacks!?
And now; the traditional anecdote of the occasion. Thank you for your time.
Snacks? 40th Birthday!
Yes, my cousin was nearly a Christmas baby and to this very day he bitches about how he always gets screwed outta gifts because of it. Well let me tell ya, while he usually does get ?screwed?, the sunnuvabitch never lacks for gifts and he almost always has somebody throwin? him some sorta Christmas/Birthday blowout too! I guess that?s what makes this story so freakin? funny to me. I hope yuz enjoy it.
On the morning of his 40th (the last birthday that he was married, by the way), Snacks woke up early. He was feeling a little depressed because it was ?The Big Four-O?. Seems he was goin? through the mid-life thing. Anyway, he was in no mood to party. My cousin is a trooper, though. He convinced himself not to dwell on his advancing age and to try not to spoil everyone?s fun. So he showered and shaved, knowing that when he went down to breakfast his wife would greet him with a big kiss and say, ?Happy birthday, Honey!? And his nightmare would begin.
All smiles, he went into breakfast and there sat his wife, reading the newspaper as usual. She didn?t say a word. So, Snacks got up and got himself a cup of coffee, thinking ?Oh well, I?m glad she forgot. But the kids?ll be down soon. No way could I be lucky enough for them to forget.? So, there he sat. Sipping his coffee and waiting. Finally his kids came running into the room, yelling, ?Give me something to eat!? ?We?re late!? ?Where?s my coat?? ?We?re going to the mall with Jill. Call ya later. Bye!? And they were gone.
Feeling more depressed than ever, Snacks left for his office.
When he walked in, his secretary greeted him with a great big smile and a cheerful, ?Happy birthday, boss!? Her remembering his birthday made Snacks feel a little better.
Later that morning, his secretary knocked on his office door and said, ?Since this is your birthday, why don?t we have lunch together?? Well, Snacks? secretary was a twenty-one year-old knockout, and if you knew my cousin you?d know that he didn?t hafta think too long about her offer. ?Excellent idea,? he said.
So they locked up the office and because it was his birthday Snacks said, ?Why don?t we drive out of town and have lunch in the country, instead of one of the usual places?? So they drove out to this little out-of-the-way inn that Snacks knew about and hadda few martinis and a nice lunch. They were on their way back when his secretary said, ?Why don?t we go by my place? I?ll fix you another martini.? The fact that they had little to do at the office never factored in to Snacks? quick reply. ?Uh, sure, doll. Sounds good.?
Inside her apartment, they had a couple more martinis. Then this half-drunk bombshell said, ?If you?ll excuse me, I think I?ll slip into something more comfortable.? And she left the room, while Snacks, an overweight, balding, 40 year-old fool, nodded stupidly.
After a few minutes the bedroom door opened and out came his secretary carrying a big birthday cake. Following her were Snacks? wife, his two kids, me anda handful of the fellas.
And there sat my cousin, with nothin? on but his socks.
Happy Birthday, Snacks! I love ya, man!
And now; the traditional anecdote of the occasion. Thank you for your time.
Snacks? 40th Birthday!
Yes, my cousin was nearly a Christmas baby and to this very day he bitches about how he always gets screwed outta gifts because of it. Well let me tell ya, while he usually does get ?screwed?, the sunnuvabitch never lacks for gifts and he almost always has somebody throwin? him some sorta Christmas/Birthday blowout too! I guess that?s what makes this story so freakin? funny to me. I hope yuz enjoy it.
On the morning of his 40th (the last birthday that he was married, by the way), Snacks woke up early. He was feeling a little depressed because it was ?The Big Four-O?. Seems he was goin? through the mid-life thing. Anyway, he was in no mood to party. My cousin is a trooper, though. He convinced himself not to dwell on his advancing age and to try not to spoil everyone?s fun. So he showered and shaved, knowing that when he went down to breakfast his wife would greet him with a big kiss and say, ?Happy birthday, Honey!? And his nightmare would begin.
All smiles, he went into breakfast and there sat his wife, reading the newspaper as usual. She didn?t say a word. So, Snacks got up and got himself a cup of coffee, thinking ?Oh well, I?m glad she forgot. But the kids?ll be down soon. No way could I be lucky enough for them to forget.? So, there he sat. Sipping his coffee and waiting. Finally his kids came running into the room, yelling, ?Give me something to eat!? ?We?re late!? ?Where?s my coat?? ?We?re going to the mall with Jill. Call ya later. Bye!? And they were gone.
Feeling more depressed than ever, Snacks left for his office.
When he walked in, his secretary greeted him with a great big smile and a cheerful, ?Happy birthday, boss!? Her remembering his birthday made Snacks feel a little better.
Later that morning, his secretary knocked on his office door and said, ?Since this is your birthday, why don?t we have lunch together?? Well, Snacks? secretary was a twenty-one year-old knockout, and if you knew my cousin you?d know that he didn?t hafta think too long about her offer. ?Excellent idea,? he said.
So they locked up the office and because it was his birthday Snacks said, ?Why don?t we drive out of town and have lunch in the country, instead of one of the usual places?? So they drove out to this little out-of-the-way inn that Snacks knew about and hadda few martinis and a nice lunch. They were on their way back when his secretary said, ?Why don?t we go by my place? I?ll fix you another martini.? The fact that they had little to do at the office never factored in to Snacks? quick reply. ?Uh, sure, doll. Sounds good.?
Inside her apartment, they had a couple more martinis. Then this half-drunk bombshell said, ?If you?ll excuse me, I think I?ll slip into something more comfortable.? And she left the room, while Snacks, an overweight, balding, 40 year-old fool, nodded stupidly.
After a few minutes the bedroom door opened and out came his secretary carrying a big birthday cake. Following her were Snacks? wife, his two kids, me anda handful of the fellas.
And there sat my cousin, with nothin? on but his socks.
Happy Birthday, Snacks! I love ya, man!
