Joke of the Day

[Lightning]

Top 10 Signs That You've Joined a Cheap HMO

10. Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.

9. Directions to your doctor's office include, "Take a left when you enter the trailer park."

8. Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgesicle.

7. Only proctologist in the plan is "Gus" from Roto-Rooter.

6. Only item listed under Preventive Care coverage is "an apple a day."

5. Your "primary care physician" is wearing the pants you gave to Goodwill last month.

4. "Patient responsible for 200% of out-of-network charges" is not a typo.

3. The only expense covered 100% is embalming.

2. With your last HMO, your Prozac didn't come in different colors with little m's on them.

1. When you ask for Viagra, you get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

These two men walk into a vasectomy clinic for their operation.
They were just sitting in the lobby waiting for the nurse to call out their names.

Finally the nurse came and called them into the "prep" room.
She told them to get completely naked and relax. She walked up to the first guy and started giving him a hand job and jacking him off.

He asked her what was the meaning of this and she said, "It is to clear all passages and prepare you for the vasectomy." He said all right and she went about preparing him.

Then she went up to the next guy and started giving him a blow job.
She started sucking and he said "I guess this is to prepare me for the surgery, right?" And she answered "Yes it is." And she went on sucking.

Finally the other guy said "Hold on, this isn't very fair.
I get a measly jerk-off and this guy gets a blow job.
It just isn't fair."

The nurse said "That is the difference between Blue Cross and HMO

 

[THE KOD]

Joke


Man in the post office who is assigned to re-direct unknown mail
is sifting through the stacks. He sees a letter addressed to GOD
and so he opens it. The old lady says she is 82 years old and on a fixed income. Her monthly social security check was stolen and she cant pay her rent. She will need 200 dollars to make the payment, and Please God hurry.

So the mail guy walks around and shows it to his co-workers who are touched and each of them chips in with some cash. By the end of the day they have $196.00 dollars and they put it in a envelope and send it to the old lady, feeling like they did their good deed for the week.

About a week later the same guy is going through the mail and he sees a letter marked GOD. Its the same ladys return address so he opens it quickly.

She writes. well thanks for the money GOD I really am thankfull that you answered my prayers. I was able to pay my rent and will serve you until the end. Oh by the way GOD you were short of the 200 dollars by four dollars.

It was probably those thieving bastards at the post office !



Scott-Atlanta

 

[P3uttt]

Fairy tales

Fairy tales

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't
let
her.
>As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy
>godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything
>she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you
must
>wear a diaphragm. "Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
>"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn
>into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2a.m.
>
>The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up.
>Finally, at 5a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very
>satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother.
>"Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours
>ago!!!"
>"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
>"I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"
>"I can't remember, exactly... Peter Peter, something or other...."
>
>_________________________________________________
>
>
>Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes
>complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio,
>therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto
>suggested he try little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio
>skipped away enlightened.
>A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through
>town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
>Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"

>_____________________________________________________________________
>
>Snow White saw Pinocchio walking through the woods
>so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat
>on his face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"

 

[Chanman]

Little Johnny came into the bathroom while his mother was getting out of the shower. "Mommy, what's that?", asked the lad while pointing to her crotch. "That is my wash cloth, replied the woman."
The next week Little Johnny again walked into the bathroom and this time asked "Where is your wash cloth?" "I lost it," replied the woman, (She had shaved it off.)
A few days later Little Johnny came into the kitchen smiling at his Mother while she was cooking. "I found your wash cloth," said Little Johnny. "Oh, and where might that be?" asked the amused housewife. "Its next door," replied Johnny. "The neighbor Lady found it and she's using it to clean Daddy's face."

 

[arjama]

For all of you who occasionally have a really bad day, and you just
need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know. I was sitting at my desk, when I remembered a phone call I had forgotten to make. I found the number, and dialed it. A man answered saying,
"Hello?" I politely said, "This is Fred Hanifin, could I please speak with Robin Carter?"
Suddenly, the phone was slammed down on me. I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.
I tracked down Robin's correct number, and called her. (I had transposed the last two digits of her phone number). After hanging up with her, I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.
When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled, "You're an asshole!" and hung up.
I wrote his number down, with the word 'asshole' next to it, and put it in my desk drawer. Every couple of weeks, when I was paying bills or had a really bad day, I'd call him. He'd answer and I'd yell, "You're an asshole!" It always cheered me up.
When Caller ID came to our area, I thought my therapeutic 'asshole' calling would have to stop. So, I called his number and said, "Hi, this is John Smith from the Telephone Company. I'm just calling to see if you're familiar with the caller ID program?" he yelled, "NO!" and slammed the phone down.

I quickly called him back and said, "That's because you're an
asshole!"
So, one day I was at the store, getting ready to pull into a parking spot.
Some guy in a black BMW cut me off, and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for. I hit the horn and yelled that I had been waiting for the spot.
The idiot ignored me. I noticed a "For Sale" sign in his car window, so I wrote down his number.
A couple of days later, right after calling the first asshole (I had his number on speed dial), I thought I had better call the BMW asshole, too.
I dialed and someone said, "Hello?" I said, "Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?"
"Yes it is."
"Can you tell me where I can see it?"
"Yes, I live at 1802 West 34th Street. It's a yellow house and the
car's parked right out front."
"What's your name?" I asked.
"My name is Don Hansen," he said.
"When's a good time to catch you, Don?"
"I'm home every evening after five."
"Listen, Don, can I tell you something?"
"Yes?"
"Don, you're an asshole!"
Then I hung up, and added his number to my speed dial, too. Now, when I had a problem, I had two assholes to call. But after several months of calling them, it wasn't as enjoyable as it used to be. So, I came up with an idea:
I called Asshole #1. "Hello" "You're an asshole!" (but I didn't hang up.)
"Are you still there?" he asked.
"Yeah," I said.
"Stop calling me," he screamed
"Make me," I said.
"Who are you?" he asked.
"My name is Don Hansen."
"Yeah? Where do you live?"
"Asshole, I live at 1802 West 34th Street, a yellow house with my
black Beemer out front."
He said, "I'm coming over right now, Don. And you had better start saying your prayers."
I said, "Yeah, like I'm really scared, asshole."
Then I called asshole # 2: "Hello?" he said.
"Hello Asshole," I said. He yelled, "If I ever find out who you
are..."
"You'll what?" I said.
"I'll kick your ass," he exclaimed.
I answered, "Well, asshole, here's your chance. I'm coming over right now."
Then, I hung up, and immediately called the police saying that I lived at 1802 West 34th Street, and I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.
Then, I called Channel 13 news about the gang war going down on West 34th Street.
I quickly got into my car and headed over to 34th St. There, I saw
two assholes beating the crap out of each other in front of 6 squad cars, a police helicopter, and news crew.

Now, I feel better. Have a great day!

 

[Bluemound Freak]

> >One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was
> >wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a
> >demon. The demon asked, "Why so glum?"
> >
> >The guy responded, "What do you think? I'm in hell!"
> >
> >"Hell's not so bad," the demon said. "We actually have a
> >lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?"
> >
> >"Sure," the man said, "I love to drink."
> >
> >"Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all
> >we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine
> >coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw
> >up and then we drink some more!"
> >
> >The guy is astounded. "Damn, that sounds great."
> >
> >"You a smoker?" the demon asked.
> >
> >"You better believe it!"
> >
> >"You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from
> >all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you
> >get cancer, no biggie. You're already dead, remember?"
> >
> >"Wow, the guy said, "that's awesome!"
> >
> >The demon continued. "I bet you like to gamble."
> >
> >"Why yes, as a matter of fact I do."
> >
> >"Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack,
> >roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well,
> >you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?"
> >
> >The guy said, "Are you kidding? I love
> >drugs! You don't mean . . ."
> >
> >"That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great
> >big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a
> >submarine. You can do all the drugs you
> >want, you're dead, who cares!"
> >
> >"Wow, the guy said, starting to feel better about his s
> >ituation, "I never realized Hell was such a cool place!"
> >
> >The demon said, "You gay?"
> >
> >"No."
> >
> >"Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays."