Joke, - sorry, can't resist.

[BahamaMama]

Gay George goes into the doctor's office and has some tests run.The
doctor comes back and says, "George, I am not going to beat around the
bush. You have AIDS.

George is devastated. "Doc, what can I do?"

The doctor says, "I want you to go home and eat 5 pounds of spicy
sausage, a head of cabbage, 20 un-peeled carrots drenched in hot sauce,
10 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts and 40 peanuts, ? box of Grapenuts
cereal, and top it off with a gallon of prune juice.

George asks, "Will that cure me, Doc?""No, but it should leave you with
a better understanding of what your ass is for."

 

[bigbagrat]

Okay, since you started it..

Okay, since you started it..

It was opening night at the Orpheum and The Amazing Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

As Claude took to the stage, he announced, "Unlike most stage hypnotists who invite two or three people up onto the stage to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of this audience."

The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

I want you each to keep your eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. Its been in my family for six generations. He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch...."

The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch, until suddenly it slipped from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

"Shit!" said the hypnotist.



It took three weeks to clean up the theater

 

[taoist]

...just for you, mama....

...just for you, mama....

An elderly gentleman gets a call from the hospital one night. The man on the other end of the phone says, "We've had a fire down at the hospital and it completely destroyed the records room."

The old man says, "Well, what the hell do ya want me to do about it?"

The hospital worker replies, "Well, we know your wife has been in here for tests, but they've all burned up in the fire."

Again, the older gentleman says, "Well, what the hell do ya want me to do about it?"

The polite young man on the other end replies, "Well, we had narrowed it down. We had determined that your wife either had AIDS or alzheimers...."

Once again, the elderly man, in a preturbed voice, says, "Well, what the hell do ya want me to do about it?"

The young man says, in a calm, soothing voice, "I'll tell you what.... Take her for a long drive and drop her off.... If she finds her way home.... Don't fuk her!"

 

[Blitz]

ANNONYMOUS AND PRICELESS


The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in school was my blood alcohol content.


I live in my own little world, but it's ok... they know me here.


"I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with 'Guess' on it.
I said..............."Implants?'"


"I don't do drugs anymore 'cause I find I get the same effect just
standing up really fast."



"I got a sweater for Christmas... I wanted a screamer or a moaner."


I married my wife for her looks...but not the ones she's been giving me
lately!

"How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50
for Miss America?"


Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?


Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words:
"Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been."

Ashes to ashes
Dust to dust
If Liberace ate p@$$y
He'd still be with us

 

[wareagle]

Well worth the reading

Well worth the reading

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, "He is such a sweet and gentle man, he would never go for this carrying on." So she made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans. Some months later her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!!

 

[taoist]

...for loophole....

...for loophole....

A man is standing on line waiting to enter the movie theater. All of a sudden he feels someone massaging his back. He turns around and says to the man behind him, "What do you think you're doing?"

The man apologizes profusely and explains he is a chiropractor and says, "When I noticed how tense the muscles were in your back, I couldn't help myself and just did what I do normally."

The guy in front of him says, "That's no excuse... I'm a lawyer..do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?"

 

[hawk3675]

orgasm

orgasm

Know why you can never tell when your girlfried/wife has a orgasm? Because your never home when she has them!