Joke Time I need one

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djv

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This dude is getting loaded Been at the bar long time. He ups and vomits all over his shirt. Said to his buddy chit im dead when I get home. His bud said. Hey tell the old lady some guy barf'd on your shirt when you were in the can. Put 20 bucks in your shirt pocket. Tell her he gave you the 20 bucks to buy a new shirt. Great idea. Home he went. Well he made it.Bang when he came in the house the old lady went to the moon. So he hands her the 20 bucks and tells her the story. She looks at him and said you have two 20's here. He said oh ya, I forgot. The other 20 bucks is from the guy that shit in my pants.
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J

Juice

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Sep 16, 1999
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a small man walks into an elevator where he sees a big black man standing. As the door closes the big black man notices that the guy can't stop staring at him, so he decides to introduce himself. "6 foot 8, 345 pounds, 20 inch d**k, 15 pound left testicle, Turner Brown". As he finishes saying this, he notices the small man turns pale and faints.
The black man helps the guy to his feet. The small man looks at the black man and asks, "What did you say"?, and the black man repeats, "6 foot 8, 345 pounds, 20 inch d**k, 15 pound left testicle, Turner Brown".
The other guy replys, "Oh thank God...I thought you said TURN AROUND"!
 
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djv

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Cop pulls this guy over for speeding. Walks up to the window and said I have been wating for you all day. Driver looked at him and said. I have been rushing to get here.
 
1837

1837

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Somewhere South of Quebec and North of Boston...
An elderly married couple scheduled their annual medical examination on the same day so they could travel together. After the examination, the doctor then said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to ask me?"
"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I'm usually cold and chilly."

After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said, "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then asked, "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old son of a bitch!" she replied, "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!"
 
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cavs1234

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A 12 year old boy was doing his homework when he was puzzled by an English question. So he asked his father, Dad whats the difference between potentially and realistically? Well his father said, Go ask your mom if she would have sex with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, then ask your sister the same question, then ask your older brother the same question... So off he went, he asked his mom first Mom would you have sex with Brad Pitt for a million dollars? his mom replied I would have sex with any man for a million dollars Brad Pitt would just be a bonus. Then he asked his sister the same question her response was also that she also would have sex with Brad Pitt or any man for a lot less than a million dollars. He then asked his brother Big Bro would you have sex with Brad Pitt for a million dollars? Yes I would his brother replied as a matter of fact I would have sex with any man for a million dollars. The boy returned to his father. his father said "well"? the boy replied and then the father says -- "well from what I gather Potentially were sitting on 3 million dollars, realistically were living with 2 sluts and a fag!!"
 
Keyser Soze

Keyser Soze

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Jan 20, 2000
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Three blondes walk into a building............................................................................................................................................................................ .................................................................................................................................................................................... ................................................You would have thought at least one of them would have seen it.

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"Nothing is either good or bad, but thinking makes it so."
 
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EricG

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If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
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I'm so poor I can't even pay attention.
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The best thing in the world are free -- and worth every penny of it.
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Man who sneezes without tissues takes matters into his own hands.
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Man who go to bed with diarrhea wake up in deep shit.
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Man who drops watches in toilet have shitty time.
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Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something
 
1837

1837

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Somewhere South of Quebec and North of Boston...
Little Leroy was at home doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine."
In that moment, his mother comes in and hears what he is saying. "Leroy, what are you doing? Why are you saying that?"

Little Leroy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom."

She said, "And is that what your teacher taught you?"

"Yes," he replied.

The next day, the mother, worried about the education her son is receiving, goes to Little Leroy's school to talk to the teacher. The mother said to his math teacher, "I would like to know what you are teaching my son in math?"

The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition problems."

Little Leroy's mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?"

When the teacher stopped laughing she replied, "Not at all! What I taught them was two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH IS four."
 
1837

1837

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Somewhere South of Quebec and North of Boston...
An escaped convict, imprisoned for 1st degree murder, had spent 25 years of his life sentence in prison.
While on the run, he broke into a house and tied up a young couple who had been sleeping in the bedroom. He tied the man to a chair on one side of the room and his wife on the bed. He got on the bed right over the woman, and it appeared he was kissing her neck.

Suddenly he got up and left the room. As soon as possible the husband made his way across the room to his bride, his chair in tow, and whispered, "Honey, this guy hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw him kissing on your neck and then he left in a hurry. Just cooperate and do anything he wants. If he wants to have sex with you, just go along with it and pretend you like it. Whatever you do don't fight him or make him mad. Our lives depend on it!. Be strong and I love you."

After spitting out the gag in her mouth, the half naked wife says: "Dear, I'm so relieved you feel that way. You're right; he hasn't seen a woman in years, but he wasn't kissing my neck....He was whispering in my ear. He said he thinks you're really cute and asked if we kept the Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong and I love you, too.

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1837

1837

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Somewhere South of Quebec and North of Boston...
Once the club duffer challenged the local golf pro to a match, with a $100 bet on the side. "But," said the duffer, "Since you're obviously much better than me, to even it a bit you have to spot me two 'gotchas'." The golf pro didn't know what a 'gotcha' was, but he went along with it.

And off they went.

Coming back to the 19th hole, the rest of the club members were amazed to see the golf pro paying the duffer $100.

"What happened?" asked one of the members.

"Well," said the pro, "I was teeing up for the first hole, and as I brought the club down, the jerk stuck his hand between my legs and grabbed me while yelling 'Gotcha!'

Have you ever tried to play 18 holes of golf waiting for the second 'gotcha'?"
 
Ripper

Ripper

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What did the 2 tampons say as they walked down the street?

Nothing!

They were stuck up bitches!!
 
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djv

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Nov 4, 2000
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I came into this world with little of nothing. I still have most of it.
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