Little Johnny

[DOGS THAT BARK]

A teacher asks her class, " If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence
> >
> >
> >
> >
> > and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?
> >
> > She calls on little Johnny.
> > He replies, " None, they will all fly away with the first gun shot. "
> >
> > The teacher replies, " The correct answer is 4, but I like your
> > thinking."
> >
> > Then little Johnny says " I have a question for YOU.There are Three
> > women sitting on a bench having ice cream: One is delicately licking the
> > sides of the triple scoop of ice cream. The second is gobbling down the
> > top and
> > sucking the cone. The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.
> > Which one is married?"
> >
> > The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, " Well, I suppose the one
> > that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone. "
> >
> > To which Little Johnny replied, " The correct answer is 'the one with
> > the wedding ring on', but I like your thinking. "
> >
> >
> >
> > LITTLE JOHNNY ON ..... MATH:
> >
> > Little Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
> >
> > "Why?"asks the father?
> >
> > The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3', I said " 6 " replies Johnny.
> >
> > But that's right!"
> >
> > "Yeah, but then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?'"
> >
> > "What's the fu--ing difference? " asks the father.
> >
> > "That's what I said!" exclaimed Johnny.
> >
> >
> >
> > LITTLE JOHNNY ON ..... ENGLISH:
> >
> > Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, " Today we are
> > going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example
> > of a
> > multi-syllable word?"
> >
> > Johnny says " Mas-tur-bate."
> >
> > Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, Little Johnny, that's a mouthful."
> >
> > Little Johnny says, " No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob"
> >
> >
> >
> > LITTLE JOHNNY ON ..... GRAMMAR:
> >
> > Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of a sudden, he needed
> > to go to the bathroom.
> >
> > He yelled out, " Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
> >
> > The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use
> > in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate'.
> > Please
> > use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to
> > go.
> >
> > Little Johnny, thinks for a bit, then says, " You're an eight, but if
> > you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!!! "
> >
> >
> >
> > LITTLE JOHNNY ON ..... GRAMMAR:
> >
> > One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a
> > show of hands from those who could use the word " beautiful " in the same
> > sentence twice.
> >
> > First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My
> > father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in
> > it."
> >
> > Very good, Suzie, "replied the teacher. She then called on little
> > Michael. "My mommy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out
> > beautifully."
> > he said. "Excellent, Michael!" Then, the teacher called on little Johnny?
> >
> > "Last night, at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she
> > was pregnant, and he said, 'Beautiful,... just f--king beautiful!'"
> >
> >
> >
> > LITTLE JOHNNY ON ..... GETTING OLDER
> >
> > Little Johnny was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar
> > after another. After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him
> > said,
> > "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give
> > you
> > acne, rot your teeth, make you fat."
> >
> > Little Johnny replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."
> >
> > The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"
> > Little Johnny answered, "No, he minded his own f--king business!"

 

[MadJack]

It was the first day of Third Grade in a new town for Little Johnny. As a test, his teacher went around the room and asked each of the students to count to 50.
Some did very well, counting as high as 30 or 40 with just a few mistakes. Others couldn't get past 20. Johnny, however, did extremely well; he counted past 50, right up to 100 without any mistakes. He was so excited that he ran home and told his Dad how well he had done.
His Dad nodded and told him, "That's because you are from Alabama, Son."
The next day, in language class, the teacher asked the students to recite the alphabet. It's Grade Three, so most could make it half way through without much trouble.
Some made it to S or T, but Little Johnny rattled off the alphabet perfectly right to the end. That evening, Johnny once again bragged to his Dad about his prowess in his new school.
His Dad, knowingly, explained to him, "That's because you are from Alabama, Son."
The next day, after Physical Education, the boys were taking showers. Johnny noted that, compared to the other boys in his grade, he seemed overly "well-endowed". This confused him.
That night he told his dad, "Dad, they all have little tiny ones, but mine is ten times bigger than theirs. Is that because I'm from Alabama?" he asked.
"No, Son," explained his Dad, "That's because you're 18."

-------------------------------------------

One day the teacher wanted the class to use the word definately in a sentence. Suzy raised her hand so she called on her.
She said, "The sky is definately blue!"
"I'm sorry Suzy thats wrong the sky sometimes turns different colors red ,gray etc.. any body else?"
Timmy raised his hand and said, "The grass is definately green."
"I'm sorry Timmy that's not true either, sometimes the grass dies and it may turn brown, anybody else?"
Little Johnny raises his hand and says, "Teacher do farts have lumps?"
The teacher says, "no why?"
Johnny says, "Then I definately Shit my pants!"

-------------------------------------

 

[Bluemound Freak]

Jack, comon now, u knoe usuns ovr her in Bammer anit thet drnn dum! heck i wuz in tha therd grad win i wuz 8tean!

 

[ryson]

Little Johnny came home from school one day and exclaimed to his mom "hey mom I just got laid".
Mom with much disdain replied "go to your room and wait until your father gets home"
When Johnny's father comes home his mother was so distraught, she could not explain what he said, all she could say is go talk to your son.
Johnny's dad went upstairs and said "Johnny what the heck did you say to your mother"?
Johnny replies "I told her I got laid today"
Johnny's dad smiles and says "Great son, come downstairs and have dinner, I will talk to your mother".
The next day Johnny's dad comes home from work and says "Well Johnny did you get laid again today"?
Johnny replies "No dad, my a**hole still hurts from yesterday".

 

[Blitz]

The teacher asks the class "what part of your body brings you closest to God"
The teacher calls on Suzy and she says your heart, because if you love all, God will love you" very good said the teacher.
Next was Mary, she said your brain. If you always think of God it will bring you closer to him. excellent said the teacher.
Reluctantly the teacher called on little Johnny and he said your feet. Puzzled, the teacher asked Johnny why your feet? Well, I was walking by my parents bedroom last night and I looked in and my father was on top of my mother and her feet were in the air and she was yelling, "Oh God I'm coming, Oh God I'm coming"