Mein Kampference Championships

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Cow

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Yavol!

Don?t worry, I?m okay. The resounding thud you heard outta Bovinia last Sunday was my Green Bay pick, or as some have chosen to call it . . . the udder side of a hot streak. I am here to tell you, though, that even with the repulsiveness of that particular selection on the record, not to mention the unfortunate title of this thread, I, Unholycow am still 6-2 +5.4 units in this playoff season and my Power Pie last week was a stress-free winner. Get this straight too, pal, I am not done winning, understand? I promise you that.

I actually attribute my downfall in the Rams/Packers game to the black arts, like, you know, magic. And as fortune would have it, that reminds me of an anecdote. Ya see that? My luck is chronic, baby! It is back already.

Anyway, I know that there is such a thing as magic because I have had first-hand experience. Ya follow? It was like this. A few years back I picked up this dame hitchhiking and she proved to me beyond any doubt, that she indeed had supernatural powers. What she did was, and I swear this is true, as I was driving down the road she put her hand on my knee and . . . I turned into a motel (insert rim shot here).

I sincerely apologize to anyone what lost money last week because I thought I had the power to bring home the Packers. There will be no further attempts at hocus pocus coming outta this camp for the resta the way. Just hard work and good old-fashioned handicapping. Ya see what I?m sayin?? Check it out . . . nothing up my sleeve.

The winning will continue here shortly. Come back later and watch me pull another Power Pie outta my hat!

From somewhere in Bovinia, this has been Abra Cow Dabra reporting.
 
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Cow

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New England at Pittsburgh

New England at Pittsburgh

Attention . . . please stay tuned for an important announcement . . . Attention . . . please stay tuned for an important announcement . . . Attention . . . please stay tuned . . .

Hi, I?m Unholycow. You may remember me from such announcements as, ?Last Call For Happy Hour!? or ?Private Dances Available; Fees Negotiable?.

Today I?m here to warn yuz about a mistake that?s often made by fellas like us during the Conference Championships. What happens is the player will place a small wager on the first game and then bet either more, or a lot more on the second game, depending on the resultsa the first. Don?t make this mistake. The key to maximizing your take this weekend is coming out strong. The early game is the best game; bet it that way. Load up, baby! There ain?t gunna be a better opportunity in the NFL for at least 8 months!

How many chips d?ya got, mister? Push ?em in!

WAIT! I haven?t given yuz the winner yet. Sheesh!

New England +9? at Pittsburgh 37

I won?t take nuthin? away from them teams what?re still fighting for the ring, because you gotta be tough to make it to the NFL?s Final Four. I think New England?s toughness is gunna allow them to stay competitive in this ballgame, too. For a half, I mean. They?ll be competitive for a half.

The Steelers are convinced, and rightfully so, that they are significantly better than the Patriots. It?s for that reason that I?m looking for HC Bill Cowher to open the game with an ultra-conservative gameplan, thinking turnovers are the only thing that can keep his team outta the Super Bowl.

After a dominant first half in which the Steelers build a 6-3 lead, I?m guessing that the coach?ll give in to the pleas of his players and staff alike, and remove the shackles from the Pittsburgh offense. At which point the Patriots will be summarily destroyed. With the annihilation accomplished, Pitt will again rely on Jack Black?s band (Tenacious D) in the fourth quarter and go on to win the game convincingly.

I ain?t sure about nunna you, but I listen to the voice in my head what says that at this stage of the game, talent, poise and coaching nearly always prevail. Every team is focused and playing at or near their potential. Translation: Don?t expect no surprises, ya savvy? Unless acourse you?ll be surprised by some of them things what I?ve enumerated below, because these things are more than possible, pal... they?re freakin? likely.

1) The Pittsburgh defense will allow less than 2 yards per rush until the game is well in hand. Antowain Who?

2) The Pittsburgh offense will run more thanna streetwalker?s stockings, giving the Steelers total ground control and leaving NE with but a single chance to survive... a major miracle. The way I see it, their only possible miracle-maker is a man named Brady, or as he?s known in Bovinia, Major Tom. Can?t you see it? Pitt leading late in the game; Ground Control and Major Tom . . . with . . . Ten . . . the . . . Nine . . . clock . . . Eight . . . ticking . . . Seven . . . down . . . Six . . . Five . . . Ground Control to Major Tom . . . Four . . . Ground Control to Major Tom . . .

3) New England?s defense will gradually commit more and more men to stopping the run, having about as much success as Mike Tyson?s anger management counselor.

4) My synopsical account of NE?s offense goes thusly: By the 2nd quarter they will become one-dimensional. In the 3rd it?ll be none-dimensional and the 4th could actually become Drew-dimensional, as desperation may allow Bledsoe one last time to embarrass himself as a member of the New England Patriots.

. . . Take your protein pill and put your helmet on . . .

To be fair, I should pass along something what I run across in support of the Patriots. Depending on how you feel about a Kordell ? Flutie comparison, you may or may not find it significant. Personally, I think it?s a buncha crap.

Over the years Doug Flutie has gone against a Bill Belichek coached defense on 8 separate occasions. Supposedly, he experienced some of the worst games of his career in these games. My take? I?m tired of hearing that Bill Belicheck is a defensive genius. I mean, Bell Billichek can?t even spell his own name, for cryin? out loud! How the hell can the guy be a genius? No wait, that?s me what?s trying to spell. Moreover, you fellas probly already knew that I wasn?t no mastermind, didn?t ya.

Hey, do me a favor and scratch out the last paragraph, huh?

So, anyway, here are the Cow Pies for the AFC Championship game. Like, moo.

PITTSBURGH STEELERS ?9? (Power Pie)
1st half UNDER 18?

Besta luck, you bums.

BARTENDER!
 
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ChuckyTheGoat

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Right on, brother. I like it. Pound em on the ground w/ a bunch of RBs. U did hint on the one thing that scares me. The Steelers are better, and they know it. Some of the Steeler quotes have been quite curious, as if they are destined to win this game barring anything stupid. GL, Cow!
 
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I'm just mad about Saffron

I'm just mad about Saffron

Philadelphia +10? at St Louis 49

I gotta play square with you fellas, ?cause you always play square with me. I love the Eagles, okay? I?m lettin? you know that right here in the beginning so that there ain?t no whattaya call . . . misconceptions about what I?m about to impart upon yuz. So, is everybody clear on that? I love the Eagles . . . but they ain?t ready for this.

When the Rams are playing well, and they are, the pressure is always on. They make you think you?re in a shoot-out before you can work up a good sweat. When you?re down 7 points to these guys it feels like 14. And when you?re down 14 you feel like you?re out of it. Philly is too inexperienced, from the head coach on down to handle the relentless pressure of the Rams. If they were at home, maybe. If they?d been in this spot before, perhaps. But not here . . . not now. No way.

Looking back at the games of last week, the scariest thing about the Rams victory was how poorly the offense played. They had a season-low 292 yards of total offense versus a 13-win team and won by 28 freakin? points! Mellow Yellow is a star of the future, but the St Louis defense went to the ponies last week on a 3-time MVP . . . and they hit the damn Pick-6! 6 interceptions, pal. That?s some seriously somber intelligence to lay on a young team like the Eagles. I mean, I love them guys . . . but they ain?t ready for this.

As I mentioned last week, the Sheep like to win games in the first half, and Philly has been a slow starting offense, so this one could snowball early. Then again . . . Sunshine came softly through my window today.

We all know that Philadelphia will come at Kurt Warner with all variations of blitz packages, and because they are a very talented team, they will have some success. Emphasize ?some?. Blitzing is always risky and against the Rams you will eventually get burned. Leastwise that?s what I was thinkin?, but it ain?t necessarily true. The risky part is true, sure; its riskier than hell, but whattaya gunna do, sit back in a zone? Not the Eagles, they?re comin?.

All week I?ve been thinkin? there?s gunna be an unbelievable amounta hope placed in Donovan?s play-making ability and that may still be true, but initially I think the birds?ll count more on their underrated defense, asking McNabb to make taking care of the ball his top priority. Granted, Superman and Green Lantern ain?t got nuthin? on me, but I can?t be the only one to see that if you can hang with the Rams until the half, you can beat ?em. I think that?s what Andy Reid is gunna try to do. Hang around as long as possible and hope.

The toughest parta pullin? the trigger on the Eagles is them obscene pictures of the Packer debacle what I got stuck in my head. I guess you could say this game has become more difficult for me thanna 20-year old girlfriend. At this moment I?m leaning toward the favorite, but I?m starting to think the under might be the stronger play. I just don?t know, but . . .

When I make my mind up, you?re going to be fine
I?ll tell you right now . . .
I?ll post my picks here and slowly blow your little minds

In the interim, here are some angles what you may find of some interest. Like, moo.

? Home teams in conference championship games are 24-12 ATS if they covered in last.
? Playoff road teams off B2B double-digit wins are 6-18-1 ATS
? When teams that finished the reg. sea. 13-3 or better face teams that finished 12-4 or worse the better record wins by 14 or more points 67% of the time.
? In the conference semis and finals, if the home team is coming off B2B win & covers they are 25-9 to the number.
? Teams scoring less than 21 in their last playoff game are 5-20 ATS.

I?ll let you guys figure out who goes to what trend. I mean, you can?t just sit around drinkin? beer all night . . . can ya?

BARTENDER!
 
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admin

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chuckey and cow, i tried emailing you guys and posting in the general forum. maybe you'll see this here.

i need the names, addresses and phone numbers of all the people that are attending the superbowl party. the casino has to make you a wristband for the party and won't let you drink without it. it'll be a big pain in the ass trying to get them to make you one on sunday, so please....

madjack@madjacksports.com
 
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Cow

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Philadelphia at St Louis

Philadelphia at St Louis

Drunk with confidence and driving bookmakers to drink, this is Unholycow with your NFC pointspread winner.

? The following is not for entertainment purposes only. If you ain?t bettin?, I?d appreciate it if you?d get the hell outta here. The intent of this information is to facilitate the making of money through gambling both legal and otherwise, any semblance of something other than this is purely coincidental.

PHILADELPHIA +10 at ST LOUIS 47?

As I suspected, further investigation into this contest has confirmed the validity of my initial pronostical insinuations. Please feel free to use wild abandon and uncontrolled frenzy when employing the following results of the aforementioned investigation.

Ladies and gentlemen, bet your asses off on the St Louis Rams ?10 points. In the words of one of the world?s great handicappers, ?The Eagles are freakin? great . . . but they ain?t ready for this.?

I do have some concerns however about the health of K-Warn, and I believe that the Philly special teams will make at least one big play, so I am also hedging my bet with the following. I?m taking PHI +375 on the dough-line for one third of a unit, figuring if the Rams choke . . . they?ll die. There ain?t gunna be no Heimlich for them smug sunzabitches. Ya see what I?m sayin??

A rarity this week; I?ve also played one the props!

Donovan OVER 21? completions ?115 for a full unit!

That?s it, I?m gone, good luck, bye-bye!

What?! A freakin' punt return?! Ah, Christ . . .

BARTENDER!
 
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Cow

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DO NOT WAVER

DO NOT WAVER

Listen up! I know that I know that I know, ya follow? Talent and coaching will prevail.

You fellas are players, so I know you got balls. It is time to use 'em, pal.

2nd H PIT -7
2nd H OVER 18?

These are both Cow Power Pie selections.

Like, moo.
 
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