New Year Bad Joke Thread

[yyz]

The mother-in-law arrives home from shopping to find her son-in-law,
Paddy in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened Paddy?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened? I'll tell you what happened! I sent an email to my wife
telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home .. and guess what I found?

Your daughter, my wife, Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed! This is unforgivable!*The end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law.
"There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her
Immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile.
"Paddy, there, I told you it must be a simple explanation.

She never got your email!"

 

[Double Two]

A man calls his wife to tell her he has to work late & not to wait up for him because it will probably be well after mid-night before he gets home. When he arrives home & gets into bed around 3:30AM she thinks nothing of it. The next morning she sees some pictures posted on his friend's Facebook page of him at a Bar, with his arm around another Woman & a glass of brown liquid in his hand. She runs into the bedroom and shakes him awake. "So, you had to work late did ya. It just so happens I have proof that you were out at a Bar, had your arm around another Woman & drinking Bourbon"!!! "Thanks a Damn Lie" her husband replies, "It was Scotch"!!!

 

[Another Steve]

Both are Great.

This is an old that jumps into my head.

Mickey is pissed and tells Donald is going to divorce Minny. Donald says why, you have to have a good reason. Mickey tells Donald why. Donald says that isn't going to be a good reason. Donald says no one will believe Minny is crazy. I didn't say she was crazy, I said she is fucking Goofy.

 

[gardenweasel]

German shepherd walks into the Western Union to send a telegram. The rate is ten words for a dollar. So he writes on the slip, woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof woof and hands it to the operator. Guy looks at it and says hey,there are only nine words here. You could send one more woof. Dog says yeah, but that would be silly.


Horse walks into a bar.
Bartender says, "Why the long face?"

Sarah Jessica Parker walks into a bar
Bartender says, "Your sister was just in here."

 

[heleanth]

I?ve posted this one before:

What did the fisherman?s wife say to the fisherman?

?Not tonight, dear. I have a haddock.?:facepalm: