NFL Football... Duh.

[Cow]

(sniff) (sniff)

Hey Cow! What's that smell?

It ain't success, Joey.

The Cow Pies were an embarrassing 2-6 last week. I couldn't believe it! After looking the results over in detail, I decided that the picks weren't all that bad. Just very unlucky. Still though, the last time I checked... they was still losers.

YTD digits go thusly.

All Pies 26-21-2
Power Pies: 7-8-1

The Cow Pow Pies are below .500 for the first time in memory. Needless to say, I've been working double-time on this week's games. I am totally confident in this week's Pies, but believe me, I understand that looka trepidation what you got on yer mug.

I don't think I've ever spent more time 'capping a weeka games than I have on the following. It'll be just another second, though, I've been reminded of an old saying that I find appropriate. Dig.

Hard work pays off at some time in the future, but laziness pays off at once.

WAS +3 @ BUF 39
Hmmm. Here's an interesting matchup to open the card. The Skins in The Buff to take on the Bills. It sounds like there oughtta be "Adults Only" signs all over the place. Ya see what Im sayin'?

The first thing what struck me here, after the porno cracks, was Buffalo scoring only seven points last week vs the winless Jets. Yikes! That had to be a blow to the 'ol confidence. And you can't tell me it's gunna be much better this week, neither. I mean, their Offensive Coordinator is Kevin Gilbride. I swearta gawd, this guy is about as unpredictable as a traffic light.

I admit, I ain'ta fanna the Visor, but dammit, I am a fanna money, Sonny. REDSKINS +3

I'll be back. Hey, did I say, GO MARLINS!

BARTENDER!

 

[Senor Capper]

Ok Dexter or Holstein

Ok Dexter or Holstein

Guess you already know cows can detect odors up to 5 miles away. I believe you when you say there is success in the air for you this weekend.


W/o Canidate this week, Skins will have no choice but to take to the air more, spreading the field with 3- or 4-receiver sets. Hoping to put the Bills into their nickel defense.

I, for one, don't like this game whatsoever. Can't seem to get a grip on it. Speaking of grips are you aware it takes 350 squirts to produce a gallon of milk ?? Ouch. No wonder you have a drinking problem.



Wondering what you Power Pies will look like.

Cowbells - 2.5 ??
Chargers + 6 ???

Your one unpredictable hefer and that's a good thing.


Since a average cow spends 6 hours eating and 8 hours chewing cud per day would that make you a Cud Capper ?

Best to you

SC

 

[Cow]

PHI +2? @ NYG 37?
Calling all cars. Calling all cars. McNabb Donovan on sight and bring him in for questioning. He's been impersonating an all-pro quarterback.

Did anyayuz realize that as Week 7 approaches Philly's star QB has not yet thrown a touchdown pass to a wide receiver? The scary thing, though, is that even with the counterfeit signal-caller the Eagles remain the best team in the division. That's right boys and girls. The Cowboys will eventually stumble. McNabb's thumb will eventually heal. The damn Yankees will eventually gloat. And I, Unholycow, will eventually sober up.



Yeah, right! Ya gotta admit, I had you goin' for a minute, didn't I? EAGLES +2?

sober up... that's a good one

 

[THE KOD]

Old cows in India have their own nursing home.
There are approximately 350 squirts in a gallon of milk.
The fastest cow is the Corriente.
There are an estimated 920 cow breeds in the world!
The average amount of cow pies in a day is only exceeded by COWs power pie picks.
The average cow with two milkings a day produces about 10 gallons of milk a day.
10 gallons of milk weighs about 60 pounds! (No wonder cows get frisky after milking!)
It takes about 1.5 gallons of milk to make 1 gallon of ice cream.
In the average herd there is one bull for every 30 cows.
Corn is the most popular feed, then pasture, then hay.
The world's biggest Holstein statue is in New Salem, North Dakota.

 

[THE KOD]

Funny it didnt say anything about no power pies.

Oh neither has COW yet !


good luck


KOD

 

[Cow]

DAL -3 @ DET 39
The temptation here was to predict a plateau or mesa for the Cowboys. I'm talkin' flat spot, Wyatt. The 'Pokes gotta have one comin'. The problem is that Dallas appears to be so much better than Detroit that they could be flat and still cover. The Lions simply don't have the athletes to cover Dallas' improving receiving corp. And I'm sure we're all in agreement that Detroit ain't got the fire power to win a shootout.

Now wait just a gawdam minute. Wow! I think I was nearly victimized by popular opinion, there for a second. Now here's what's really goin' on. The Cowboys are likely the best-coached team in football, but that don't make 'em immune to the emotions of the game.

Alright, let's back this whole mess back into the garage. I think I figured this one out. PASS

 

[SHOWRUNNER]

GL cow - like your plays for tomorrow - hope to see Buffalo lose & Miami gain some ground in the AFC East tomorrow...

 

[Senor Capper]

Mind......

Mind......

If I continue my one-sided conversation ?

Ah ya the often feared popular opinion play. I think I'm getting closer into this Cows mind set.

So Power Pies may just look closer to this .....

49ers + 3.5
Packers + 4
Faders+ 3.5

Gotta be getting close.


The suspense is just killing me.

 

[Cow]

SD +5? @ CLE 41
I got in a heated exchange with Snacks the other night about the importance of handicapping a team's motivation in the NFL. The thrusta my take was that a halfa dozen times a season the motivational factors surrounding a matchup will actually be the single most important thing to consider when attempting to solve the handicapping puzzle. Conversely, Snacks was of an opinion that was totally ignorant and unworthy of further discussion. The point I'm trying to make is that for my money being the last remaining winless team in the NFL is the single greatest motivator in all of professional sports. Peep this for instance. Following week 5 winless teams what ain't favored have gone 67-21-1 to the number. Hey! Suddenly, I feel motivated to make this a Cow Power Pie! CHARGERS +5? Power Pie

 

[Cow]

BAL -2 @ CIN 36?
The Stripes emerge from their bye week with a 1-4 record, but amazingly they are still in the AFC North race. If they can beat the Rave here, that is. I think they gotta shot, too! Remember, Cincy HC, Marvin Lewis is an old Defensive Coordinator for Baltimore. And it's lookin' like they might get their running back back as well. Corey Dillon ain't just another guy, neither. Addionally, fellas, I gotta a nice inside tip directly outta Las Vegas. Apparently, in a joint news conference earlier today, Seigfried and Roy have stated emphatically that you should never under any circumstanses, go against the Tigers. BENGALS +2 Power Pie

 

[Cow]

DEN +3? @ MIN 45?
Throughout their bye week the Vikings talked about Denver being the litmus test they needed to prove they are legitimate. This just in, sports fans... The Vikings are legit. The interesting thing to me, though, is that they're even playin' this mind game with themselves. The truth of the matter is that this game means much more to the visitor than the host. Plummer, I hear will miss the game, but the value is still with the Ponies, in my humble opinion. PASS

TEN +1? @ CAR 37?
The Tits were so good with the passing game last week that I'll have bounce detectors trained on Steve McNair from the outset. The pass protection he was afforded in that game was off the hook. I mean, the man had all day every play all day long. Ya see what I'm sayin'? However, the Pants have a much better group of pass rushers than the Texans did, and they also use much more complicated schemes to help confuse blocking assignments. So, I'm thinkin' Mr. McNair will feel occasional pressure at the very least. By the way, undefeated home dogs this late in the season are a rarity (so rare in fact, that this ain't one), but it ain't enough to get me on the game. I believe the Carolina Special Teams are worth a full touchdown in this one, but again, I ain't ready to pull the trigger. The status of Carolina RB, Stephen Davis is a concern, but it definately ain't the reason that I'm sittin' this one out. It's like this, see? You know how sometimes when you sleep, your hands'll go to sleep, too? Well, that's what this game is like, understand? My hands are numb and nothin' about this contest feels quite right. PASS

NO -1? @ ATL 41?
It's hard to believe, but I'm ready to declare botha these teams outta the playoff race. I still have some pretty solid reasons, though, to be investing in the underdog. My biggest concern at this point is that the Birds'll be on auto-pilot again, just going through the motions and waiting for Michael Vick. But ya know what? Dan Reeves is the Atlanta Head Coach, so I don't think my worries were well-founded. How about you? ATL +1?

NE +5? @ MIA 37
First of all, I'd like to apologize for always reffering to the Miami Dolphins as the Fish. Dolphins are not fish, okay? I understand. It won't happen again. As for the game, it oughtta be a good one. The swimming mammals have dominated the series of late, especially in Miami. But hey! If yesterday's results told us how tommorrow was gunna finish, this gig would be easier thanna dope-sick crack whore. It just don't work like that, though, fellas. And confidentially, them unfortunate dames what I mentioned ain't nearly as promiscuis as the street would have you believe. I mean, face it. In this world, nothin' is really free. Save these pipin' hot Cow Pies, acourse.

Anyway, I believe these teams are as close to identical as any two teams in the league. Sure, New England is beat up, but they wear the bandages like badges of honor. No complaints. No excuses. Just maximum effort on every snap and let the chips fall where they may. Damn the injuries! Damn the resultsa previous encounters! Damn them mammals what freakin' swim! Damn! I feel patriotic! PATRIOTS +5?

GB +4 @ STL 49
Summayuz'll think I'm crackin' wise when I say this, but I am employing four different setsa power nummbers this week. And brother, They are freakin' screaming at me to grab aholda these points. So, I'm thinkin', hey! I love gettin' points! Mix in the fact that Brett Favre is probably the premier big-game quarterback in football today and that he played a huge role in the Pack folding up in a big game last week, and well, I guess you can mark me down for backin' that backwoods redneck asshole again this week, Cletus. Now shut the hell up and pass me that there jugga 'shine, ya hear? PACKERS +4

Go win somethin', will ya?

 

[baby johnson]

with on the pack

alos undr minny

under cleve

 

[Cow]

NYJ -3 @ HOU 37?
I thought I was seein' some improvement each week outta the Texans. Until last week, I mean. Still though, they have an excellent chance of returning to .500. The Jets, meanwhile, have started the season 1-2, 1-4 and 0-4 under Head Coach, Herman Moore. Yet amazingly, they ain't never missed the post-season. Something tells me that history often does repeat itself and that the Jets will roll over their inferior foe on their way to yet another playoff appearence. Hmmm, what to do. If it was any team other than the Jets, I'd have no problem tellin' yuz that they'll be flatter thanna year-old beer keg. But, it is the Jets. Welp, I suppose if you held a gun to my head, I would be pretty quick to discredit the Jets' mystical ability to be different than all the rest. I just wish th... th... tha... TEXANS +3 Power Pie

(gulp) ahem.. hey, if yuz don't mind me askin'... what is that, like a 9mm?

CHI+10? @ SEA 42?
Okay. Here's my idea on this one. You give me, say, 35-1 odds, and I will attempt to nail the score right on the freakin' button. That's the only way I'm gunna have action on this game, cuz I ain't spendin' more than a sawbuck, ya dig? Ya know, it ain't never a good indicator for a game when you yawn every time you check the freakin' point (yawn) spread. Know what I mean? PASS

Just in case you was wonderin'...

Seahawks 27
Bears 17

TB -3? @ SF 39
I'm fairly certain that you're all in agreement with me when I say the Pairates are the better team, but they continue to struggle with significant injuries on both sidesa the ball. The Niners, though, continue to quietly get a little healthier each week. And I will guaran-freakin-tee ya, my friend, that SF ain't forgot last year's 31-6 post-season ass-whipping administered by these very same Bucs. As I said before, many 'cappers feel that motivational factors such as this mean little to the professional athlete. To me, though, it's like a bucketa ice cubes, or an inexpensive, but dependable mouthpiece. They just seem overrated, you can't assess their true value until you don't got none. NINERS +3?

KC -3? @ OAK 47
This might be the Raiders' last chance to get in the AFC West race. Who knows? They have won the last three meetings at home against the Chiefs. And it's never been easy to win in Oakland. Hey, there's no arguing that KC has been the better team thus far, but the Raiders have a slew of classy veterans who know how to respond in big games.

Whatta crocka crap, huh, boys? Since getting creamed by Tampa Bay in the Super Bowl, the Raiders have absolutely quit. They sleepwalked through an unproductive pre-season and lost their season opener. Then there was a 3-point win over the Bengals (1-4) who actually out-gained Oakland 416-237. After another loss, there was a 34-31 escape act in OT against the 0-5 Chargers. A game which Oakland trailed 31-17 with under 6 minutes to play. Then came the 24-21 loss to previously winless Chicago (1-4) in week 5 in which they blew an 18-3 halftime lead and looked like old and tired quitters in the process. Acourse, that was followed by an equally desultory 13-7 loss in Cleveland.

A slew of classy veterans that know how to respond in big games? No. This is a buncha undisciplined old guys that know how to respond to the press after embarrassing losses. CHIEFS -3? Power Pie

So this old man completely blows a stop sign and t-bones this fella out for a Sunday drive. Both cars are totalled, but miraculously neither man is injured. They crawl out of their demolished vehicles and sit down in the grass, several yards away from the wreckage.

"It's a miracle!" The old man cried. "God must have saved us so that we could become great friends and do wonderful things for all of his creatures!"

Thinking the old man was insane, the younger man simply nodded and smiled.

The old man then walked over to his wreck, reached into the broken back window and then screamed with delight. "It's another miracle!" He cried. "My car is a complete wreck, but look! This bottle of 12-year old scotch isn't scratched! God must want us to seal our new friendship with some quality libations!"

With that, the old man opened the bottle and handed it to the still smiling young man. Shrugging his shoulders, the young guy took three long pulls offa the bottle. "Wow," he said. "That is some really smooth stuff you got there."

"Have another pull," said the old man. "Nothiing but the best for my new friend."

After another coupla slashes offa the bottle, the younger man reached over to hand it to the old guy. but the old man just shook his head, saying, "You go ahead, young man, I'm just going to sit here and wait for the police."

Have a great day, everybody. And remember, don't kick the man's ass... pick his pocket.

BARTENDER!