If Noah had to build the Ark in the USA and in the year 2002
The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year I am going to make it rain
and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you
to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the
earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.
Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything
aboard in one year." Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered
the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult.
The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah." He shouted,
"Where is the Ark?"
"Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah! . "I did my best, but there were big
problems.
First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply
with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire
sprinkler system and floatation devices.
Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by
building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city
planning commission.
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on
cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl.
I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save
the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls.
So, no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate
a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the
Ark, but still no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, I got! sued by an animal rights
group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not
complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your
proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no
jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.
Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood
plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal
Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by
not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!
The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation
to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.
I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of user tax and failed
to register the Ark as a recreational water craft."
Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction
of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious
event, therefore unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the
Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm.
A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully.
"You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has."
The Lord speaks to Noah and says: "In one year I am going to make it rain
and cover the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you
to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the
earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.
Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the Ark.
"Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring everything
aboard in one year." Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered
the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult.
The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah." He shouted,
"Where is the Ark?"
"Lord please forgive me!" cried Noah! . "I did my best, but there were big
problems.
First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply
with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans.
Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a fire
sprinkler system and floatation devices.
Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by
building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city
planning commission.
I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on
cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl.
I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to save
the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls.
So, no owls.
The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate
a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on the
Ark, but still no owls.
When I started rounding up the other animals, I got! sued by an animal rights
group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard.
Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could not
complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your
proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no
jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe.
Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new flood
plain. I sent them a globe.
Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal
Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by
not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!
The IRS has seized all my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation
to flee the country to avoid paying taxes.
I just got a notice from the state that I owe some kind of user tax and failed
to register the Ark as a recreational water craft."
Finally the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction
of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it is a religious
event, therefore unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the
Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.
The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to calm.
A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully.
"You mean you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No," said the Lord sadly. "The government already has."