Part 1 of 2. Feedback would be great

[GRACE]

I have to write a story for one of my creative writing classes, and wanted it to be humorous, realistic, and well well liked. Can any of you give me feedback on what I have so far. I would appreciate it. New to the scene, writing scene that is.




"A Boy and His Mother's Unit"


The garage door was opening quickly and I was caught with this weird toy that I had never seen before in my hands. I didn?t know where to go or what to do.

?Son, we?re home!!!? she screamed.

Shit, she just walked in the door and I know she already knows that I have been snooping around the house again. Surely Mom was going to be calling for my head in no time. She has this weird kind of radar that can detect when I am doing something that I shouldn?t be.

Last year, about the same time of year she found me searching through the attic looking for Christmas gifts. All I found was a pack of Hane?s underwear and a small piece of undergarment that looked like dental floss. I am not sure really what that was.

Today I stayed home from school with a bad case of the flu. The academy should give me an Oscar for my performance. It was mind boggling how good I am, definitely one of my finest. Mom didn?t even try to make me go to school after I blew chunks all over the bathroom floor. Little does she know that the chunks were just one of my secret concoctions I made during lunch yesterday at school.

If you?re curious, I am a 13 year old freshman at one of the finest institutions in Illinois. Charleston High, it?s a great place to learn. Lets just say this, I once bought weed from my science teacher between fourth and fifth period in the bathroom. But I hold the highest regards for the members of the faculty. Needless to say they have taken me to higher places.
So today I have been at home all by myself for a few hours, after a brief period of playing video games on the computer, I start snooping around.

I start with some basic spots that have been fruitful to me in the past. In the walk-in closet I read some Valentine?s Day notes that my mom?s boyfriend has written her.

?I can?t wait to take you to the lake and let you play with my ?..?

Eww that?s sick, I think you get the picture.

I am not a big fan of my mom?s boyfriend hopefully dad won?t find out. My parents have an open relationship, I think they were hippies in a previous life.

It is about 2:30 now, she should be home within the hour, and I have found nothing. The closet was my usual hot spot. I had to grab a chair out of the living room to get to the top of the closet area where I have never searched before. At the top there were some picture books, a few purses, and a large cardboard box that looked somewhat like a bottle of Champaign. At first, I disregarded it thinking that it was just that. Continuing my search there was were things that I had little interest in: perfume, belts, ties, ect, ect.

Just as I was about to step down from the chair and get back into to bed. It dawned on me that maybe that long box held something in it that wasn?t supposed to be found. Parent?s always do that sort of thing right? I mean I know I would if my son was going to be snooping through my closet. Stepping up on the chair, I reached both of my hands out for the box. Bringing the box down from the closet area I moved to open it on the side of the bed.

Opening it, it felt like Christmas day all over again. I was hoping that there would be a surprise in store for me. Little did I know what I had found. Putting my hand down in to the box I ripped out all the tissue and threw it to the floor. The box contained something that I already had and it wasn?t Champaign.

It was scary, I had never seen anything like this. There was little to imagine after this. I felt fairly small compared to its magnitude. Some of my buddies told me that black guys had really big ones but I don?t think they would even compare to this. My mother was stashing an oversized dildo in a card board box. The thing weighed like ten pounds and was thicker then my ****ing arm. I was in awe.

Just then the garage door opened. I dashed to my bedroom with the full sized penis in my hand and got back into bed, hiding it in the sheets.

?Son, we?re home!!!!!? she exclaimed.

?Hi, maaaaaaa!? I responded back.

Wow, I made it back to my bed and was hopeful she wouldn?t come up. Her footsteps were definitely getting closer and closer to the staircase. The creeping of the floor boards led me to believe that she was all but a few steps away from my door way. The door was half-open and her hand suddenly appeared on the knob of the door. Opening the door she walked in and sat gingerly on my bedside. I was fortunate that my penis was in my hand, I mean the dildo not my penis was in my hand on the other side of the bed.

?How?ve you been? You look better, do you need anything??

All I could think about was what the hell she was doing when I wasn?t around and how big this thing was. Did she make bread with this thing, I mean it could have been a good roller or perhaps a hammer or a toilet plunger.

It would be great to think that some of her girlfriends had given it to her as a gag gift but ma doesn?t have any girlfriends at least not that I know of.

?I?m fine ma, I wanna sleep a little more though.? I said.

I had no idea what the **** I was talking about, all I can think about was this giant tool in my hand and how I was going to get it back in the closet without her knowing.

Telling my friends would be like murder-suicide, they would have a field day if they found out my mom had a dildo. I can see the headlines at the Daily Press already, ?Allen?s Mom Has Big Johnson.? I could never live it down.

The popular kids at school would never talk to me. Who am I kidding they don?t talk to me anyways. I am that kid that is just looking to fit in. I haven?t had a girlfriend since Sydney Peffercorn kissed me in 4th grade because I helped her with her art project and that lasted all of three hours. I guess you could call me a loser. Man if only I could impress these girls somehow.

WAIT A MINUTE. No, I couldn?t. Sure I could, I have always heard that the bigger the better, right? If I could somehow stash this thing in my pants tomorrow, I could be a legend for the rest of my high school days.

?Hey remember that kid, ummm what?s his name, James Allen, yeah James Allen he had that biggest cock that all the ladies loved? I wonder what he is doing now? Or should I say who. Hahahahhahaa. ? They would say at the ten year reunion remembering my massive unit.

Except wait, it wasn?t real or was it?

 

[fletcher]

never mind:shrug:

 

[bubbas1]

I think you struck out on all 3 things you were trying for it to be.
Funny, realistic, and well well liked. To me it just seemed perverted.:nooo: :nooo: :nooo:

 

[Nick Douglas]

I am assuming you are pretty young so your writing will get much better over time if you work on it.

I can understand the idea of a mom's dildo being used to attract chicks being a funny notion, but it is not funny here. The best comedy is the result of a good buildup and an audience connection with the characters. Let me give you an example:

In ANGER MANAGEMENT, Jack Nicholson and Adam Sandler since the score of an Andrew Lloyd Webber musical while stopping traffic on a bridge during rush hour. In CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM, a chef with Tourette's Syndrome disrupts peple during dinner by shouting out profanities.

You could argue which idea is funnier. On paper, I'd even say the ANGER MANAGEMENT scene seems to have more potential. But the CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM scene brings down the house every time and the ANGER MANAGEMENT scene merits a light chuckle every time I see them. Why? Let's look at the buildup.

In ANGER MANAGEMENT, Jack Nicholson simply stops the car and bursts into song. No reason, no buildup, no anything. We are just supposed to believe that Nicholson is such a loose cannon that he would do something this screwy. The visual of them singing is worth a chuckle, but little more.

In CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM, the French chef's uncontrollable swearing, followed by an entire restaurant of old, well off people cursing their brains out in public, is a laugh riot because it is built beautifully from Larry David's dismissal of his head chef for wearing a toupee, to a Tourette's-suffering Frenchman being hired on short notice to David's desire to make a person with a disease feel more at ease when their malady flares up. Comic event after comic event, all built upon the zany characters of the CURB YOUR ENTHUSIASM world, climax in one of the funniest scenes on any television show in quite some time.

In your story, there is no comic buildup and the events make little logical sense. A teen snoops around his parent's house. Why? Sure, in real life teens do that all the time, but this is not real life, this is a comic story. The comedy would be stronger if there was a reason.

Then the teen's parents come home. Why would the teen take the dildo with him to his room rather than putting it back where he found it. Teens are quite conscious of hiding their wrongdoings. Sure, it is possibly that someone could make that mistake, but in this case nothing prompted him to do so.

Your punchline is "teen kid gets his hands on his mom's huge dildo" but you have no buildup to the joke. Try to think of a series of events that could lead to the boy coming to have possession of the dildo.

As far as general writing style goes, try to pack in a little less exposition and a little more storytelling. Also, your story is temporally awkward as the present seems to exist both at the time the mother arrives and at a previous time while the bored teen was snooping.

I have one last tip. This one is commonly told to stand up comics, but it applies here, too. Start out by trying to write funny things without resorting to vulgar humor. Dick jokes, cum jokes, etc. get a cheap laugh but they don't draw a consistent audience. American Pie (which, based on your writing, seems to be a movie you worship) may have gotten noticed by having a kid f uck a pie, but it was the compelling story of four teenage friends on a quest to get laid that made it a breakaway success rather than a cult success.