Don't get me wrong, I love my country as much as the next bum, but I've had it up to here with this so-called war on terrorism! So excuse me, Dubya, if I don't tune into your next news conference. I mean, Iraq? You rack, Mr. President, and when we the people break your balls, do the right thing --- Bring our boys home and let us concentrate on the gawdam pointspreads. Now that's a war we can win!
In case yuz didn't notice, my restraint valve last week was stuck wide-open. As a result, I had action on 12 of the 14 games. I hear summaya gigglin', but ya know what? Sometimes ya gotta break the rules. Sometimes ya need to push the envelope. Sometimes ya need to color outside the lines or the lines'll lose their meaning. I can feel summa you hardcore disciplinarians shaking your heads, scoffing at such a rebelious attitude. And you are precisely the ones what need to do it. Break free! C'mon, gamble for crissake! Sometimes doing the wrong thing will help you recognize the long-lost value of doing the right thing. Hell, I don't know. It was just a thought.
So, as I was tellin' this average fella at the club the other night, I went 6-6 last week, 2-2 on the (yawn) Power Pies. My three week totals result thusly:
All Games: 15-10-1
Power Pies: 4-4
Needless to say, the freakin' restraint valve has been repaired, so you can expect fewer, more powerful pies. Ya savvy? I mean, if there's one thing I hate bein', it's mediocre.
NE +3 @ WAS 42?
I am near-bout giddy with confidence, fellas, because I now have my power ratings dialed in and the next eight weeks have historically been when the Cow Power Figures have proven themselves superior to the Las Vegas line. Can you say, "Ch-ching?" More importantly, can you say, "Gimme the Redskins -3," cuz that's what'll get yuz the cabbage. REDSKINS -3 Power Pie
KC -3 @ BAL 44
I'd like to give a shout out to my dawg Ian. What up, I-Wood? East side glides in this one my man. I know you know, bro. Wavering when it comes to the Rave ain't in your freakin' vocabulary. I just wanted to let you know that Uncle Cow is in your corner this week. Like, moo. psst. hey, ian.just between me and you, uh, i figure your boys are the best play on the whole freakin' board. I was thinking that you oughtta schmooze the old man for a coupla yards. Tell him you'll pay him back on Wednesday. It's a piece of cake! Don't mention my name though, okay? I'll see yuz at the cashier's cage, kid. Enjoy the game. RAVENS +3 Power Pie
PHI +3 @ BUF 40
Preseason sportsbooks had the Eagles winning 10? games this year, tied with Tampa Bay for the highest projected win total. Philly ain't lookin' too good right now though. In fact, their 0-2 start makes this one a near-must win. I just ain't sure they can do it. Pass
TEN +3 @ PIT 44
My power numbers say Pittsburgh is the much better team and should be favored by an 8-spot. So givin' 3 is like a gawdam gift! Mix in that I love Bill COWher and despise Steve Fisher and... BINGO! Ladies and gentlemen, we have our winner. STEELERS -3
CIN -4? @ CLE 40?
And before you can even light yer White Owl... WHAM! The Cow Pow Pies uncover another faulty line. What can I say, Ray? It amazes even me! BENGALS +4?
SF +1 @ MIN 44?
Did you know that if you counted a star every second it would take you 3000 years to count them all? Welp, now you do! Acourse, you don't know nuthin' new about this game, so... Pass
ATL +6 @ CAR 35?
The Falcons need Michael Vick. The Pants need some sorta passing attack. I need a drink anda new freakin' game to look at. Pass
So, I'm standin' there in the Emergency Room waiting for a doctor to lance this monsterous boil what I had on my ass, when this blubbering boob runs in, yelling, "Somebody help me! I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee! What's wrong with me?!"
Having little else to do at that particular moment, I went to this clown, shook him outta Camel butt from my deck and gave him my, whattaya call, diagnosis. "Clam up and chill out," I told him. "You're two tents."
AZ +10? @ STL 45?
I think I could make a good case for botha these teams. In the interest of time, however, I've made a case for neither. After all, it's really the same thing. Ya see what I'm sayin'? Pass
JAX -3 @ HOU 38
Houston looks the same as they did last year, which gives them two more wins over the course of the season. This could be one of 'em too, but the Jagoffs are not only desperate to pop their cherry, they also have a decent revenge motive to help keep 'em focused. I'm passin' like gas on a Taco Bell late-shift. Hey! Wanna pull my finger? Pass
SD +7 @ OAK 42
Two questions. (1) Who is the Oakland coach? And (B) Can he get his team to start playing with discipline? The answers from the think tank in Bovinia are: (a) It's still Al Davis, no matter what they tell you. And (2) I wouldn't bet on it with your money. CHARGERS +7
DAL +3 @ NYJ 36?
I've got the 'Pokes as the slightly better team at this time and yuz gotta like the Tuna comin' offa the bye. Besides, winless chalk ain't never been a good investment. Ya savvy? Summayuz may of noticed that I ain't much of a totals player. Believe me it ain't because I ain't got no opinions on the matter. I just don't like the way it makes me watch a game, okay? But there are times when the crap what I uncover during my investigation of a given contest is so overwhelmingly prejudiced to either an abundant or paltry numbera points bein' scored, that I feel compelled to overlook my disdain for the aforementioned wagering possibility and plunk down summa my hard-earned on the final score. To wit: Dallas is 10-1 under when visiting the AFC as well as 9-0 under comin' offa bye. Also, the Big Tuna is 22-5-2 as an underdog. DALLAS +3 and UNDER 36?
DET +11? @ DEN 44
As I stated back in the preseason, I like Denver to come outta the AFC this year. However, circumstances surrounding this week's hosting of the Motor City Kitties are such that am not reccomending them. I got lotsa reasons to back the Lions, in fact, but I'm having a hard time imagining anything other than a double-digit Broncos win. So, I'm headin' south. Pasadena
IND -1? @ NO 42?
Tony Dungy is my early-season coach of the year. I can't figure out how he's got that defense to perform as well as they have, but... he's done it! Plus, I know that Peyton, James and company are about to light it up for the offense. The bottom line, though, is this. The Cow Power Figures are masters of the realm and they tell me that N'Orleans should be a 5? point favorite. Furthermore, there's this groovy little angle involved that oughtta merit some consideration. It encourages you to fade favorites that both won and covered in each of the previous two weeks. And if this team happens to be facing a sub .500 club from outside of their division, well, then you are cooking with gas. SAINTS +1? Power Pie
GB -4? @ CHI 41?
Home dogs on Monday night are difficult to pass up, but these Bears is really Bad News. They should oughtta hire Walter Matthau for crissake! Still though, my lacka confidence in the Pack won't allow me to go there neither. So, here's my thinking. It's Monday night, and while summa the so-called high-roller wiseguys might tell ya that they're gunna pass because they've got the kinda discipline that you and me can only dream of. Hey, I'm gunna let yuz in on a little secret. They are lying to you. They're playing this game just like everybody else. And if they ain't, I don't think I care what they gotta say anyway. I mean, c'mon, man, it's Monday Night Football! Qit calling yourself a gambler or get a new setta freakin' balls, okay? You're embarrassing. Acourse, I ain't talkin' about anybody what hangs out here at Madjacks. I know mosta you bums. And to them what I don't know, I know your type, pal. You are my kinda people.
As I was thinking about saying... what little strength you might find with Chicago, I think'll be on the stop side. And while Favre concerns me, so do cops dressin' up like hookers, okay? What I'm sayin' is, I guess I can live with it. UNDER 41?
Anybody wanna hear a Jewish dilema? Free pork!
It's just a joke, Shlomo. I mean no disrespect. Have a good one everybody. Peace.
BARTENDER!
In case yuz didn't notice, my restraint valve last week was stuck wide-open. As a result, I had action on 12 of the 14 games. I hear summaya gigglin', but ya know what? Sometimes ya gotta break the rules. Sometimes ya need to push the envelope. Sometimes ya need to color outside the lines or the lines'll lose their meaning. I can feel summa you hardcore disciplinarians shaking your heads, scoffing at such a rebelious attitude. And you are precisely the ones what need to do it. Break free! C'mon, gamble for crissake! Sometimes doing the wrong thing will help you recognize the long-lost value of doing the right thing. Hell, I don't know. It was just a thought.
So, as I was tellin' this average fella at the club the other night, I went 6-6 last week, 2-2 on the (yawn) Power Pies. My three week totals result thusly:
All Games: 15-10-1
Power Pies: 4-4
Needless to say, the freakin' restraint valve has been repaired, so you can expect fewer, more powerful pies. Ya savvy? I mean, if there's one thing I hate bein', it's mediocre.
NE +3 @ WAS 42?
I am near-bout giddy with confidence, fellas, because I now have my power ratings dialed in and the next eight weeks have historically been when the Cow Power Figures have proven themselves superior to the Las Vegas line. Can you say, "Ch-ching?" More importantly, can you say, "Gimme the Redskins -3," cuz that's what'll get yuz the cabbage. REDSKINS -3 Power Pie
KC -3 @ BAL 44
I'd like to give a shout out to my dawg Ian. What up, I-Wood? East side glides in this one my man. I know you know, bro. Wavering when it comes to the Rave ain't in your freakin' vocabulary. I just wanted to let you know that Uncle Cow is in your corner this week. Like, moo. psst. hey, ian.just between me and you, uh, i figure your boys are the best play on the whole freakin' board. I was thinking that you oughtta schmooze the old man for a coupla yards. Tell him you'll pay him back on Wednesday. It's a piece of cake! Don't mention my name though, okay? I'll see yuz at the cashier's cage, kid. Enjoy the game. RAVENS +3 Power Pie
PHI +3 @ BUF 40
Preseason sportsbooks had the Eagles winning 10? games this year, tied with Tampa Bay for the highest projected win total. Philly ain't lookin' too good right now though. In fact, their 0-2 start makes this one a near-must win. I just ain't sure they can do it. Pass
TEN +3 @ PIT 44
My power numbers say Pittsburgh is the much better team and should be favored by an 8-spot. So givin' 3 is like a gawdam gift! Mix in that I love Bill COWher and despise Steve Fisher and... BINGO! Ladies and gentlemen, we have our winner. STEELERS -3
CIN -4? @ CLE 40?
And before you can even light yer White Owl... WHAM! The Cow Pow Pies uncover another faulty line. What can I say, Ray? It amazes even me! BENGALS +4?
SF +1 @ MIN 44?
Did you know that if you counted a star every second it would take you 3000 years to count them all? Welp, now you do! Acourse, you don't know nuthin' new about this game, so... Pass
ATL +6 @ CAR 35?
The Falcons need Michael Vick. The Pants need some sorta passing attack. I need a drink anda new freakin' game to look at. Pass
So, I'm standin' there in the Emergency Room waiting for a doctor to lance this monsterous boil what I had on my ass, when this blubbering boob runs in, yelling, "Somebody help me! I'm a wigwam, I'm a teepee! What's wrong with me?!"
Having little else to do at that particular moment, I went to this clown, shook him outta Camel butt from my deck and gave him my, whattaya call, diagnosis. "Clam up and chill out," I told him. "You're two tents."
AZ +10? @ STL 45?
I think I could make a good case for botha these teams. In the interest of time, however, I've made a case for neither. After all, it's really the same thing. Ya see what I'm sayin'? Pass
JAX -3 @ HOU 38
Houston looks the same as they did last year, which gives them two more wins over the course of the season. This could be one of 'em too, but the Jagoffs are not only desperate to pop their cherry, they also have a decent revenge motive to help keep 'em focused. I'm passin' like gas on a Taco Bell late-shift. Hey! Wanna pull my finger? Pass
SD +7 @ OAK 42
Two questions. (1) Who is the Oakland coach? And (B) Can he get his team to start playing with discipline? The answers from the think tank in Bovinia are: (a) It's still Al Davis, no matter what they tell you. And (2) I wouldn't bet on it with your money. CHARGERS +7
DAL +3 @ NYJ 36?
I've got the 'Pokes as the slightly better team at this time and yuz gotta like the Tuna comin' offa the bye. Besides, winless chalk ain't never been a good investment. Ya savvy? Summayuz may of noticed that I ain't much of a totals player. Believe me it ain't because I ain't got no opinions on the matter. I just don't like the way it makes me watch a game, okay? But there are times when the crap what I uncover during my investigation of a given contest is so overwhelmingly prejudiced to either an abundant or paltry numbera points bein' scored, that I feel compelled to overlook my disdain for the aforementioned wagering possibility and plunk down summa my hard-earned on the final score. To wit: Dallas is 10-1 under when visiting the AFC as well as 9-0 under comin' offa bye. Also, the Big Tuna is 22-5-2 as an underdog. DALLAS +3 and UNDER 36?
DET +11? @ DEN 44
As I stated back in the preseason, I like Denver to come outta the AFC this year. However, circumstances surrounding this week's hosting of the Motor City Kitties are such that am not reccomending them. I got lotsa reasons to back the Lions, in fact, but I'm having a hard time imagining anything other than a double-digit Broncos win. So, I'm headin' south. Pasadena
IND -1? @ NO 42?
Tony Dungy is my early-season coach of the year. I can't figure out how he's got that defense to perform as well as they have, but... he's done it! Plus, I know that Peyton, James and company are about to light it up for the offense. The bottom line, though, is this. The Cow Power Figures are masters of the realm and they tell me that N'Orleans should be a 5? point favorite. Furthermore, there's this groovy little angle involved that oughtta merit some consideration. It encourages you to fade favorites that both won and covered in each of the previous two weeks. And if this team happens to be facing a sub .500 club from outside of their division, well, then you are cooking with gas. SAINTS +1? Power Pie
GB -4? @ CHI 41?
Home dogs on Monday night are difficult to pass up, but these Bears is really Bad News. They should oughtta hire Walter Matthau for crissake! Still though, my lacka confidence in the Pack won't allow me to go there neither. So, here's my thinking. It's Monday night, and while summa the so-called high-roller wiseguys might tell ya that they're gunna pass because they've got the kinda discipline that you and me can only dream of. Hey, I'm gunna let yuz in on a little secret. They are lying to you. They're playing this game just like everybody else. And if they ain't, I don't think I care what they gotta say anyway. I mean, c'mon, man, it's Monday Night Football! Qit calling yourself a gambler or get a new setta freakin' balls, okay? You're embarrassing. Acourse, I ain't talkin' about anybody what hangs out here at Madjacks. I know mosta you bums. And to them what I don't know, I know your type, pal. You are my kinda people.
As I was thinking about saying... what little strength you might find with Chicago, I think'll be on the stop side. And while Favre concerns me, so do cops dressin' up like hookers, okay? What I'm sayin' is, I guess I can live with it. UNDER 41?
Anybody wanna hear a Jewish dilema? Free pork!
It's just a joke, Shlomo. I mean no disrespect. Have a good one everybody. Peace.
BARTENDER!
