What did The Cop say to the guy last seen with Ellen Degeneris' Car.
Nothing,, He sang "What did you do hoo hoo with that blonde dykes car?"
Nothing,, He sang "What did you do hoo hoo with that blonde dykes car?"
Put Jokes Here
- Thread starter Clem D
- Start date
Can you spare just $2.00? Ranji is a 9 year old boy living in Namibia in Africa. He has only one leg, and is blind in one eye. Every day he goes seven miles along a narrow road on his rusty bike with no brakes to get to school. If you can send just $2.00 . . . we'll send you the video! It's hilarious
A reporter was interviewing a 104 year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath?
?Mom?, he asked, ?Are these my brains??
?Not yet,? she replied.
How do you save a drowning lawyer? Take your foot off his head.
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath?
?Mom?, he asked, ?Are these my brains??
?Not yet,? she replied.
How do you save a drowning lawyer? Take your foot off his head.
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth
"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"
"Yes, officer, I'm just fine" the blonde chirped.
"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I served to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ...."
"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off, "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth
They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and asks, ?What is this, some kind of joke??
Why was the blond staring at a container of orange juice? Because it said, "concentrate."
I walked into a lesbian bar that was so tough---even the pool tables didn't have balls.
I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and asks, ?What is this, some kind of joke??
Why was the blond staring at a container of orange juice? Because it said, "concentrate."
I walked into a lesbian bar that was so tough---even the pool tables didn't have balls.
They call it PMS because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?
A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and asks, ?What is this, some kind of joke??
Why was the blond staring at a container of orange juice? Because it said, "concentrate."
I walked into a lesbian bar that was so tough---even the pool tables didn't have balls.
2 bagger
- Nov 13, 2009
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Your MaMa is so fat her husband no longer finds her attractive and their marriage is suffering because of it.
what did the two buttcheeks say to each other?
i'm so glad we are still together after all the shit we've been through
i'm so glad we are still together after all the shit we've been through
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to
the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will
be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and
pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"
asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."
The waitress asks them for their orders.
The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to
the ostrich, "What's yours?"
"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will
be $9.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and
pulls out the exact change for payment.
The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke."
The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."
Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.
This becomes routine until the two enter again. "The usual?"
asks the waitress.
"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad," says the man.
"Same," says the ostrich.
Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $32.62."
Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.
The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change
in your pocket every time?"
"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money
would always be there."
"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right..Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man.
The waitress asks, "What's with the ostrich?"
The man sighs, pauses and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with a big ass and long legs who agrees with everything I say.."
- Nov 13, 2009
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I think I posted this one a long time ago but here it is again.
Little Johnny
One day in school the teacher asked the class to tell her something that is cute.
Little Suzy in the front row raised her hand and the teacher called on her. Suzy said, I have a little puppy and he is cute. Very good Suzy! exclaimed the teacher.
Meanwhile little Johnny is in the back row with his hand raised high.
Marky in the second row raised his hand and the teacher called on him. Marky said, I have a little kitty at home and my little kitty is cute! Very, very good Marky boasted the teacher.
By now little Johnny is jumping out of his seat. No other students had their hands raised and the teacher cautiously said. OK Johnny, what do you think is cute?
Johnny popped out of his seat and marched to the blackboard.... picked up the chalk and made a big white dot on the blackboard... and walked back to his seat.
Puzzled, the teacher said, Johnny what is that??? Johnny answered... thats a period ma'am and periods are cute!!
The teacher, almost afraid for an explaination, asked Johnny, Why are periods cute?
Johnny boasted, Well ma'am, last night at supper my big sister said her period was 3 weeks late and my dad said, Well now....thats real fucking CUTE!
Little Johnny
One day in school the teacher asked the class to tell her something that is cute.
Little Suzy in the front row raised her hand and the teacher called on her. Suzy said, I have a little puppy and he is cute. Very good Suzy! exclaimed the teacher.
Meanwhile little Johnny is in the back row with his hand raised high.
Marky in the second row raised his hand and the teacher called on him. Marky said, I have a little kitty at home and my little kitty is cute! Very, very good Marky boasted the teacher.
By now little Johnny is jumping out of his seat. No other students had their hands raised and the teacher cautiously said. OK Johnny, what do you think is cute?
Johnny popped out of his seat and marched to the blackboard.... picked up the chalk and made a big white dot on the blackboard... and walked back to his seat.
Puzzled, the teacher said, Johnny what is that??? Johnny answered... thats a period ma'am and periods are cute!!
The teacher, almost afraid for an explaination, asked Johnny, Why are periods cute?
Johnny boasted, Well ma'am, last night at supper my big sister said her period was 3 weeks late and my dad said, Well now....thats real fucking CUTE!
An elderly couple is attending church services.
About halfway through the sermon, the man writes a note and hands it to his wife. It says "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?"
She scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
About halfway through the sermon, the man writes a note and hands it to his wife. It says "I just let out a silent fart. What should I do?"
She scribbles back, "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."
