question for the experts :)

[BahamaMama]

Okay, here goes...........someone i know (ummm.....and just maybe i've known her since the second she was born....LOL) is once again a member at a couple of online dating services.......If you are at all familiar with them, you know they ask you a bunch of questions, both about yourself, and your *ideal matches* traits, likes/dislikes, physical appearance questions..........etc......

a few of the sample questions from one of the services would be..... Do you like McDonald's? , what sports you play, what sports you watch, what your favorite type of TV show is, how often do you like to dine out, height, build, hair color, do you like pubs, smoking habits, drinking habits, and etc, etc, etc....... you get the drift! They also ask about children.....do you HAVE, WANT, DON'T WANT, CAN'T WAIT TO HAVE?, and also, they ask you the same question for what your ideal mate would think on this subject........... This question is the one i use as a MAIN priority in deciding if i'd ever want to meet someone or not to see if it could lead somewhere nice. It's kinda hard to give a rat's @ss if they don't like Mickey D's and I do........heck, it isn't like EVERY meal will be eaten together...... and SO freaken what if they're only 5'9" and i said my *ideal* mate would be 5'11" or taller.......and well, DUH, how many houses only have one television these days? (that, and what real man wouldn't be happy watching ESPN, anyway

)

Anyway, there is one guy in particular, that EVERYTHING we listed seems to match wonderfully..........yes, there is a *but* .........BUT CHILDREN........he stated in his profile that his ideal match would not have any kids.......WHOA, RED FLAG, kids come first!!!!!! This guy is just a riot to chat with, and is extremely persistant, even tho i told him that the *no kids* thing was just too much for me to know i could ever overlook.

all of a sudden (and this goes back to the thread on changes after marriage, and someone saying that *they* will agree to anything in order to get what they want before whatever the ultimate goal is, is met) he changes his tune on kids, and says he didn't really *mean* that kids weren't OK......

If any of you were filling out a profile for one of these things......where do you think you would be most likely to *fib*, if at all, in the section about yourself, OR in the section about what you are looking for in a mate? I should add, too, that on the kids question, you aren't limited to just one choice......you can mark both *kids* AND *no kids* as an option, if you were open and receptive to either. My personal opinion on this matter says that if when filling out your profile, you minded if someone had children, you STILL mind, what do you guys think? should i keep that red flag high in the air, or take the chance that i could fall for someone that wouldn't work out in the long run, because they aren't capable of being a *step* whatever? In every other way, this guy seems perfect, i'm just afraid that he is only changing his tune to make him sound perfect in EVERY way, rather than just most ways.

(i'll add this, too.........in my section for filling out what i wanted for my mate to have as far as kids go, i checked the boxes for no kids, 1 to 2 kids, 3 to 4 kids........i did NOT check the boxes for *i can't wait to have kids* or for more than 4 kids

) ...... so in a way, i'm not 100% ruling out one thing that i would deal with if they were perfect in every other way....... I don't necessarily NEED any more children, but if i were to meet somone that wanted one of their own, i would not rule out the possibility of giving them that, because i can fully understand the importance of wanting your own children, even if you have step children. his, mine, and ours are fine by me, as a child is the most precious gift that you can share with the person you love...

anyway, your turn, if it were YOU, would YOU change your tune about children, just for the chance to meet someone??

thanks for your help, and i'm sure by the comments i get here, ALOT more questions will follow from me

........... it's a weird thing being out in the real world again...LOL

 

[MadJack]

quickly and off the top of my head, i'll say this. if i was looking for a 'serious', long term relationship, and i checked off the option 'no kids', which i probably would do at this stage of the game, i wouldn't get involved with a woman with kids. i might 'bend' the rules for a short term relationship, but for the long haul i checked 'no kids', i mean no kids.

sorry, i know you don't want to hear this but i think this guy is looking at short term. i been wrong a lot lately tho

 

[pepin46]

mama

i have been around for a while, so has djv and a few other fellows here, and they would probably give you good insight as to your friend's dilemma.

don't lie, don't make it sound like there is no hope otherwise. there are probably 100s of guys qualified. be patient and circulate, don't limit yourself to these dating services.

from my perspective, looking at it from the lady's side, i would circulate in a sane environment, date, and the minute you perceive you and he are about to hit it off, and without making a big deal out of it, tell him you have x number of kids, male, female, ages, etc. and leave it at that. and by all means, don't say this in bed.

keep on with your relationship and leave the subject alone. give it a short time. if he does not mention the subject again, say good-bye, as he has no interest in your "package deal". don't insist on the subject of the kids, you are going to lose that one.

ideally, he would eventually like to go home and meet them. still, don't push it, let him decide how he wants to pursue it. by this time he is fully aware of what is ahead, but needs time to digest it. if and when he feels comfortable with it, he will pop it. don't say i do immediately, ask him if he has thought about the commitment, and if he thinks he has what it takes to handle it.

a few generalities: it would probably take a very mature person to handle this, meaning much older than you and with previous experience. get ready to trade sex, if necessary, for a family life. it ain't that bad, you still have all these studs here at madjack.

just call me.....


pepigail van buren?

 

[BahamaMama]

Jack, why would you think that wasn't what i wanted to hear......STICK TO MY GUNS is almost what i was hoping would be defended here...... i guess my feelings that he would *change his tune* when i called him on that opinion of his, i see either that he is lying now, or was lying when he filled out the profile, one of the two, and either way, i don't need liars in my life any more!!

 

[BahamaMama]

Pepin, i like what you have to say, as far as *life in general* goes...... someone met *on the street* so to speak, doesn't have to know about kids right away..... i much agree to the wait and see how we hit it off....BUT, as far as the online dating thing goes.....they already KNOW i have 1 to 2 kids, it's already right in my profile, so why in the hell would i want to date someone that says they don't want to date a person with children??? it was the change of tune that bugged me the most (going again back to the ....they'll agree with anything to get what they want, and then things change)

 

[AzRusty]

Bahamamamamama

What part of NO do you not understand?

Actually am just pondering this a bit 'cause you asked. Seriously, if on the questionairre I certainly wouldn't discount the NO kids part as a red flag thinking that maybe they would change their mind later.

Not a very good way to go into a relationship. Honestly... I would take the answer at face value and as a finality to that question to avoid future disappointment.

And I don't think that you should ever go into a long term relationship hoping to change someone. It just doesn't work.

AzRusty

 

[djv]

Oh chit here come DJV with all his wisdom. First being who I am I would not B S. Kids can be tough part for many. Pep is correct in much of what he said. Kids don't have to be starting point. But whoever is willing to take on that responsibility as part of the relationship, Must be Honest up front. I believe actions always speak louder then words. I have seen many folks give and get lip service. I have already said to you I think you are a good mom. That is a strength some never have. The correct person should see and understand that. Remember sex slows down and is about shot at 65. Some have told me this. Im going to try my best to prove them wrong. Point im making is it's big on the scale. But you being who you are and a good mom is more important in the long run. Or whom ever we might be talking about. Kids come with your deal. The right person digs in and has fun watching them grow. The right person goes to there ball games and school plays. If not willing to wrong guy. I know all this chit is easy to say then to find out upfront. I want you to have the best of luck. And M J said it right. For him kids no way. Thats the honesty your looking for. You said to me you can be a chit some times. So can many others. Don't let that be a big deal.

 

[Spud82]

Mama

Kind of funny how most of your responses are coming from the older forum members. ( Sorry Jack I realize you are not quite there yet)
Last time we talked you were headed for the Big Sky Country with a dream guy, guess that didn't pan out. I'm not one for giving advice on guys, dating services etc. but there is one thing here I can comment on.

I am one of those guys who married a woman who already had a child. When we first met she was afraid to tell me she had a son so, we dated a few times before I ever knew. At first I was a bit skeptical. I was young, good job, single and life was great. Really didn't think I wanted a steady woman and was absolutely sure I didn't want a woman with kids.

Something however kept pulling me back to this woman. Even if I went out with other women, I always seemed to go back and see her. We just seemed to have something in common that I couldn't find anywhere else.

My friends, my parents and everyone else kept saying " you don't need her your whole life is ahead of you and you're doing great." There was no real reason to go back. This woman was a young teacher taking home $400 a month after paying her school loans. She was barely getting by and living in poverty damn near trying to raise her son. She was married for three months before her ex took off. She finished school on her own and would not seek any outside help or even accept any from me after we met. She would simply say we'll get by.

To make a long story short I fell in love with that woman. I adopted her four year old son a month after we were married so he could start school with my name. Love him like he is my own because he is OUR son. Best damn decision I ever made marrying that lady! We have been married for thirty years.

Just be yourself Mama that will be good enough. There are many guys out there who think substance and character are more important than the fact you have kids. If not, they are not what you're looking for anyway. Always remember you are a good person and never sell yourself short. The right guy is out there, he just hasn't found you yet. Take care

 

[scrubbo]

Spud- I'm getting misty over here. Its nice to hear a true love story once in a while.

I think we can take Bahamas and Spuds stories and write a soap opera. "As Mjs turns" or better yet "Mj and the restless" .

Sorry Bahama, I only have one question about the relationship thang. What do you have to lose by going on a date or two with this guy?

 

[djv]

I was just wondering. Now that you have all this wisdom from all us smart people.

What shall you do with it. Scrubbo has it all set. Just get a couple kicks out of it. But for what it's worth that does not sound like you.

 

[Fwizard]

I have has some friends post profiles on internet dating services and they basically just put down what they thought women would like to hear --so I would say that most people (75%) are full of s@@T that post to things like Love@aol and such..tread very carefully.......

 

[MadJack]

i'm sure women are MUCH more honest than men on those dating things. just a guess though.


Fwizard- welcome to 'member' statis!