> > Preparation for parenthood is not just a matter of
> > reading books
> > and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple
> > tests for expectant
> > parents to take to prepare themselves for the real
> > life experience
> > of being a mother or father.
> >
> > 1) (Women) To prepare for maternity, put on a
> > dressing gown and
> > stick a beanbag chair down the front. Leave it
> > there for nine
> > months. After nine months, remove 10% of the
> > beans.
> >
> > 2) (Men) To prepare for paternity, go to the local
> > drug store, tip
> > the contents of your wallet on the counter, and
> > tell the pharmacist
> > to help himself. Then go to the supermarket.
> > Arrange to have your
> > salary paid directly to their head office. Go
> > home. Pick up the
> > paper and read it for the last time.
> >
> > 3) Before you finally go ahead and have children,
> > find a couple who
> > are already parents and berate them about their
> > methods of
> > discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low
> > tolerance levels, and
> > how they have allowed their children to run riot.
> > Suggest ways in
> > which they might improve their child's sleeping
> > habits, toilet
> > training, table manners, and overall behavior.
> > Enjoy it--it's the
> > last time in your life that you will have all of
> > the answers.
> >
> > 4) To discover how the nights feel, walk around the
> > living room
> > from 5pm till 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing
> > approximately 8-12
> > pounds. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm
> > for midnight, and
> > go to sleep. Get up at 12am and walk around the
> > living room again
> > with the bag, until 1am. Put the alarm on for
> > 3am. As you can't go
> > back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go
> > to bed at 2:45am.
> > Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
> > Sing songs in the
> > dark till 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up.
> > Make breakfast.
> > Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
> >
> > 5) Can you stand the mess children make? To find
> > out, smear peanut
> > butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
> > Hide a fish stick
> > behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
> > Stick your
> > fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the
> > clean walls. Cover
> > the stains with crayons. There, how does that
> > look?
> >
> > 6) Dressing small children is not as easy as it
> > seems. First buy
> > an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the
> > octopus into the
> > string bag so that none of the arms hang out.
> > Time allowed for
> > this: all morning.
> >
> > 7) Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and
> > a can of
> > paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a
> > toilet paper tube.
> > Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn
> > it into a
> > Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a
> > ping pong ball, and
> > an empty packet of COCO Puffs and make an exact
> > replica of the
> > Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just
> > qualified for a place
> > on the play group committee.
> >
> > 8) Forget the Miata and buy the minivan. And don't
> > think you can
> > leave it out in the driveway spotless and
> > shining. Family cars
> > don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream
> > bar and put it in
> > the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a
> > quarter. Stick it in
> > the cassette player. Take a family-size bag of
> > chocolate cookies.
> > Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake
> > along both sides
> > of the car. There! Perfect!
> >
> > 9) Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for
> > half an hour.
> > Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out.
> > Come back in. Go out
> > again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it
> > again. Walk down
> > it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5>
> > minutes. Stop to
> > inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of
> > used chewing gum,
> > dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way.
> > Retrace your steps.
> > Scream that you've had as much as you can stand
> > until all of the
> > neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and
> > go back in the
> > house. You are now just about ready to try taking
> > a small child for
> > a walk.
> >
> > 10) Always repeat everything you say at least five
> > times. Go to your
> > local supermarket. Take with you the nearest
> > thing you can find
> > to a pre-school child. A fully grown goat is
> > excellent. If you
> > intend to have more than one child, take more
> > than one goat. Buy
> > your week's groceries without letting the goats
> > out of your sight.
> > Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy.
> > Until you can easily
> > accomplish this do not even contemplate having
> > children.
> >
> > 11) Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the
> > side. Suspend it
> > from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
> > Now get a bowl of
> > soggy Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into
> > the swaying melon by
> > pretending to be an airplane. Continue until
> > half of the Froot
> > Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap,
> > making sure that a lot
> > of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to
> > feed a 12-month-old
> > child.
> >
> > 12) Learn the names of every character from Barney,
> > Sesame Street,
> > and Power Rangers. When you find yourself
> > singing, "I love you,
> > you love me" at work, now you finally qualify as
> > a parent!
> >
> > reading books
> > and decorating the nursery. Here are 12 simple
> > tests for expectant
> > parents to take to prepare themselves for the real
> > life experience
> > of being a mother or father.
> >
> > 1) (Women) To prepare for maternity, put on a
> > dressing gown and
> > stick a beanbag chair down the front. Leave it
> > there for nine
> > months. After nine months, remove 10% of the
> > beans.
> >
> > 2) (Men) To prepare for paternity, go to the local
> > drug store, tip
> > the contents of your wallet on the counter, and
> > tell the pharmacist
> > to help himself. Then go to the supermarket.
> > Arrange to have your
> > salary paid directly to their head office. Go
> > home. Pick up the
> > paper and read it for the last time.
> >
> > 3) Before you finally go ahead and have children,
> > find a couple who
> > are already parents and berate them about their
> > methods of
> > discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low
> > tolerance levels, and
> > how they have allowed their children to run riot.
> > Suggest ways in
> > which they might improve their child's sleeping
> > habits, toilet
> > training, table manners, and overall behavior.
> > Enjoy it--it's the
> > last time in your life that you will have all of
> > the answers.
> >
> > 4) To discover how the nights feel, walk around the
> > living room
> > from 5pm till 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing
> > approximately 8-12
> > pounds. At 10pm put the bag down, set the alarm
> > for midnight, and
> > go to sleep. Get up at 12am and walk around the
> > living room again
> > with the bag, until 1am. Put the alarm on for
> > 3am. As you can't go
> > back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a drink. Go
> > to bed at 2:45am.
> > Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
> > Sing songs in the
> > dark till 4am. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up.
> > Make breakfast.
> > Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.
> >
> > 5) Can you stand the mess children make? To find
> > out, smear peanut
> > butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
> > Hide a fish stick
> > behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
> > Stick your
> > fingers in the flower beds then rub them on the
> > clean walls. Cover
> > the stains with crayons. There, how does that
> > look?
> >
> > 6) Dressing small children is not as easy as it
> > seems. First buy
> > an octopus and a string bag. Attempt to put the
> > octopus into the
> > string bag so that none of the arms hang out.
> > Time allowed for
> > this: all morning.
> >
> > 7) Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and
> > a can of
> > paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a
> > toilet paper tube.
> > Using only scotch tape and a piece of foil, turn
> > it into a
> > Christmas tree. Last, take a milk container, a
> > ping pong ball, and
> > an empty packet of COCO Puffs and make an exact
> > replica of the
> > Eiffel Tower. Congratulations, you have just
> > qualified for a place
> > on the play group committee.
> >
> > 8) Forget the Miata and buy the minivan. And don't
> > think you can
> > leave it out in the driveway spotless and
> > shining. Family cars
> > don't look like that. Buy a chocolate ice cream
> > bar and put it in
> > the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a
> > quarter. Stick it in
> > the cassette player. Take a family-size bag of
> > chocolate cookies.
> > Mash them down the back seats. Run a garden rake
> > along both sides
> > of the car. There! Perfect!
> >
> > 9) Get ready to go out. Wait outside the toilet for
> > half an hour.
> > Go out the front door. Come in again. Go out.
> > Come back in. Go out
> > again. Walk down the front path. Walk back up it
> > again. Walk down
> > it again. Walk very slowly down the road for 5>
> > minutes. Stop to
> > inspect minutely every cigarette butt, piece of
> > used chewing gum,
> > dirty tissue, and dead insect along the way.
> > Retrace your steps.
> > Scream that you've had as much as you can stand
> > until all of the
> > neighbors come out and stare at you. Give up and
> > go back in the
> > house. You are now just about ready to try taking
> > a small child for
> > a walk.
> >
> > 10) Always repeat everything you say at least five
> > times. Go to your
> > local supermarket. Take with you the nearest
> > thing you can find
> > to a pre-school child. A fully grown goat is
> > excellent. If you
> > intend to have more than one child, take more
> > than one goat. Buy
> > your week's groceries without letting the goats
> > out of your sight.
> > Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy.
> > Until you can easily
> > accomplish this do not even contemplate having
> > children.
> >
> > 11) Hollow out a melon. Make a small hole in the
> > side. Suspend it
> > from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
> > Now get a bowl of
> > soggy Froot Loops and attempt to spoon it into
> > the swaying melon by
> > pretending to be an airplane. Continue until
> > half of the Froot
> > Loops are gone. Tip the rest into your lap,
> > making sure that a lot
> > of it falls on the floor. You are now ready to
> > feed a 12-month-old
> > child.
> >
> > 12) Learn the names of every character from Barney,
> > Sesame Street,
> > and Power Rangers. When you find yourself
> > singing, "I love you,
> > you love me" at work, now you finally qualify as
> > a parent!
> >
