"Field Guide To Strip-Club Etiquette"
"Field Guide To Strip-Club Etiquette"
There are events in a man's life that he will remember for the span of his life: the first girl he ever kissed, the first time he got to touch boobs, the first time he intentionally touched boobs, and the first time he was given permission to touch boobs. This obsession with boobs carries through a man's life, due largely to the fact that unless we men are morbidly obese, we will never posess boobs of our own. To remedy this, some ingenious gentleman in times of yore dreamed up a type of gathering place for gentlemen, a "Gentleman's Club," where men could pay six dollars for a watered-down beer while young women danced around them. These Gentlemen's Clubs have become enormously popular and commonplace. It seems like you can't drive past a church or a school without seeing a gentleman's club nearby. The clubs fill an important niche in our societal structure: a place to ogle boobs.
The terrible tragedy of strip clubs, though, is that most guys don't know what they're doing when they go to one for the first time. Indeed, many are still clueless after a hundred times. That's where I come in. Being a seasoned pro at attending strip clubs, I am here to provide to a loose guide to the etiquette of the Strip Club.
1. The women are dancers, or "entertainers"; they are not strippers. Don't call them strippers. They will get mad. If you want a lap dance, don't holler "Hey, bitch, come 'ere and strip fer me!" This is inappropriate and you may offend the young lady. Instead, say to her "Hey bitch, come here and entertain me!"
2. Chris Rock said it best when he stated "There is no sex in the Champagne Room. There's champagne in the champagne room, but you don't want champagne." It's true. Every strip club has a VIP room, or a Champagne Room, or a Private Dance room. And part of the "entertainer's" job is to try and lure you into the room for the bargain basement price of twenty to one-hundred dollars. Don't do it! The only difference between the Private Room and the regular room is, in a nutshell, twenty to one-hundred dollars. All the rules that apply in the regular Strip Club apply in that room. That means no touching. And the bouncer-to-sucker ratio is a lot worse in the champagne room; often, it is 1:1.
3. The Entertainer does not actually want to have sex with you. So quit bragging to your friends about how much "this one chick" wanted you. Let me reitterate; NO MATTER WHAT SHE SAYS OR DOES, THE DANCER DOES NOT WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU. So many guys believe in their hearts that all the knee-grinding-in-crotch affection is genuine. Its true that her heart is filled with desire, but it's the desire for your paycheck to be stuffed indiscriminately into her thong. You silly bastard. I would say of all the things I have discussed and will discuss, this is most important. Get any ideas of scoring with one of these girls out of your head. Unless you play football for the Falcons or your last name is "Diddy," you will NOT be having sex with one of the dancers. No amount of eye contact or praise of her sweet ass will change that.
4. Bring lots of cash for obvious reasons. If you want to step up to the center stage, you must tip the girl. Otherwise, stay at your table with your buddies. When you approach the center stage (or "main stage"), hold your dollar lengthwise between your index and middle fingers. Wait your turn. Then when the girl does her special thing for you, give her the dollar. Sometimes, if I'm not impressed with the amount of attention the girl has spent on me, I will stand there longer. The way I see it, she has to earn that dollar bill. After she has earned it, slip it under her thong or garter.
5. Lapdances aren't anything special, so don't waste your time or money. After you're done at the club, go home and have a good time with yourself. It's free, and you'll be better tuned to your body's special needs.
6. Mercy tips are acceptable. Often, I will tip a girl not on how hot she is, but on how well she works the stage. I reward a strong aerobic performance with a tip, likewise if she has an unusually creative or fresh angle at clothing removal. The girl doesn't necessarily have to be the best-looking in the club, just the hardest-working.
7. Most importantly, prepare to be disappointed. Television and movies can really **** up our perception of reality. If you go into a club on exit 9 off of the I-95, you are not going to see extremely hot, fit, twenty-year old girls with blond hair and enormous breasts. For the most part you will see a twenty-five year old single mother, a slightly obese black girl, three or four flatchested girls, a flat-out ugly girl, a girl who will refuse to get completely naked on "principle," and one woman in her late 40's who used to have it back in the day but tragically neglected an actual career in lieu of a dancing career. If you go to an upscale, twenty-dollar-cover club, you will see plenty of hot, sexy girls who can dance, but they will wear pasties and not take of their panties. The choice is yours. Good luck and Godspeed!
