Always get a chuckle out Chris's column in the nysportsxpress..
hope you enjoy...for entertainment purposes only....
IE
==
Sweet 16
And the bitch with the glass slipper.
By Chris, the Impaler
NOW THAT YOUR bracket is as busted as your whoring 13-year-old cousin's dirty snatch, we look forward to what the networks will hype as the Sweet 16, better known as the third round of the NCAA Men's College Basketball Tournament brought to you by the suits up (or down) the road from you on Madison Avenue. If some pinstriped geek with an Obsession-based vapor trail came up with the equivalent of "Bracketology" for cow shit-eating like they do in China, then we'd be all filling out brackets for shit-eaters with names like Hung Lo and Wang Chung.
After the first week of the tournament, however, the suits and advertising geeks, probably the same guys who brought you limp-dicked Rafael Palmeiro, couldn't be happier. This year has featured all the upsets an ad exec could crave while still having a few large markets in the mix. UCONN, TEXAS, OK STATE, DUKE all managed to avoid looking ahead and concentrating on the task at hand. As consumers of this product, we should be happy, right? Surprise teams known as that bitch with a glass slipper is dressed like men in baggy shorts, thumbing a ride on the back of a pumpkin all the way to San Antonio while their ugly Step Mother plays pimp and collects FU network money. Meanwhile, Coach K-Rug cackles in the corner as he shows the rest of the bracket-obsessed world how you win in the post season.
In last week's column we picked a few #12-#5 upsets which turned up, but not in our geographic locations. Yeah, the Impaler's bracket hit the bricks a second after tip off as the Jasper's rolled from the whistle. My apologies to the Jaspers. I did not think you could do it, but you did with guts and class. Congrats on beating the crap out of Florida. It is about time someone put the Gators in their place.
EAST RUTHERFORD
St. Joe's (-2.5) vs Wake Forest
St. Joe's has managed to go farther than most people thought on a cold Sunday night during Bracketology 101 while the Demon Deacons have been playing below their ability and Prosser's expectations. After surviving the first rounds, indeed almost losing to Virginia Commonwealth in round one, after a few days rest and recollection, look for the Demon Deacons to win this one outright.
Wake Up at the right time grabbing two and a half points at game time for $440
Pittsburgh vs Oklahoma State (-1.5)
One of my few five star plays this weekend will be the Oklahoma State Cowboys' stifling defense against the Panthers who have gone as far as they can in this tourney. On the total, if I was a betting man, I'd take the under.
Cowboys laying the 1.5 will be the play for $550
PHOENIX
UAB vs Kansas (-4)
UAB has been playing lights-out defense while Kansas has benefited from a #12-#5 upset and a weak draw. UAB's startling victory at Kentucky has made believers out of us. The Jayhawks aren't as quick on transition this year and will suffer from UAB's accuracy beyond the arc and at the stripe.
The other team from Alabama for $330 grabbing four points is the safe bet.
Georgia Tech (-4.5) vs Nevada
Tech got out quickly against a lethargic Boston College Eagles team who managed to go down by as many as 11 points twice in the game and almost snared the Yellow jackets with good defense and timely shooting. In the end, a bad pass sealed the defeat for the Eagles who were left crawling on the floor with their wings clipped imagining what might have been. Meanwhile, Cinderella made another appearance as the Wolfpack destroyed Gonzaga in the second round of play. Nevada currently sports a 21 game win streak, the longest in the NCAAs. What does this mean for the Yellowjackets? They should be afraid, very afraid. Nevada might not win this one, but they are being given a lot of points.
Another ACC team goes down for $220.
ATLANTA
Duke (-7) vs Illinois
Yeah, yeah. I am not a huge fan of Duke. Sporting seven points to a surging Illini looks like a reverse football spread. Duke has not played poorly yet, while Illinois has really benefited from weaker opponents. Even if Illinois can manage to get ahead in the second half they have difficulty closing games. Although it hurts me to say, I love Duke to roll in this one.
Blue Devils laying the points? Can anyone say San Antonio for $330?
Texas (-2.5) vs Xavier
Xavier is playing some of the best basketball at the moment. Will this change when they meet Texas? The line tells us that this game is for the team that shows up. Texas has shown steady improvement and should give Xavier more competition than they saw against the Bulldogs and Cardinals.
Don't mess with Texas for $220
ST. LOUIS
Vanderbilt vs UConn (-8.5)
I'm not laying action on this game. Bet with your heart if you must, but the Catamounts gave UConn a bit of difficulty in the first half and the same might happen here with Vandy. Then again, UConn will probably roll. Your call. Good luck. Prediction?UConn wins a tight one.
Alabama vs Syracuse (-1.5)
Bringing the pride back to the Crimson Tide was not really forecasted this year when the pundits got together for their analysis. Somehow, 'Bama has made believers out of all of us, or had the Cardinal's luck ran out three points short. Defending champions are still defending champions and while most ignored them, the 'Cuse was out to prove to the country what they knew already, one mello shy does not a team bankrupt. While CA is doing his thing a mile up, the 'Cuse are still the team to beat and therefore still national champions?and they are playing like champs.
Repeat? Doubtful, but until someone tells me otherwise the money, $110 is less on 'Cuse and more on the Stanford hangover.
HEARTBREAK BRACKET
Okay, okay, so my number 10 madness bracket advice last week was Kentucky will win the 2004 National Championship. All I can say is, "You had UAB? I want to see that bracket!" As a famous person once said, "When did you cry?" Was it when the Jaspers defeated Florida; Xavier taking Mississippi State to the woodshed; UAB over Kentucky; Nevada spanking Gonzaga; the Hall beating 'Zona? Well, sorry to hear about your troubles but then you didn't heed my advice and listen to your wife instead of the hindsight boys on the Deuce. Hey, it ain't my dream job.
If you were paying attention last week then you rode with the Impaler to 5-2 against the number. Our five star plays went 2-0 as Xavier dumped Pitino and the boys and Memphis cocked the Cocks both teams winning outright. The lone three star play covered as well as East Tennessee State almost defeated a listless Cincinnati to the tune of 80-77, but easily covering the 9.5 point spread. We hit a snag on our two star plays (which is why they were two stars) when UIC and Western Michigan both lost outright, but the damage was not limited there as the Salukis of Southern Illinois lost to the Crimson Tide on a last second prayer that hit. Alabama is now in contention for the Final Four and the brainiacs at Stanford are still scratching their heads. Wasn't St. Joe's supposed to lose in the second round? And our first round one star play had the Central Florida Golden Knights giving as good as they got. Down by only four points at the half, they managed to hold Pittsburgh to 31 points in the second half. A great effort was for naught as the Panthers overcame their stalwart defense and eked out a 53-44 victory. Probably the reason the line on the Pitt-Wisc game was so low (Pitt as a one point road favorite). With only eight games that really count this Friday and Saturday, we look at our record ATS and figure we should be able to repeat our success again this weekend.
hope you enjoy...for entertainment purposes only....
IE
==
Sweet 16
And the bitch with the glass slipper.
By Chris, the Impaler
NOW THAT YOUR bracket is as busted as your whoring 13-year-old cousin's dirty snatch, we look forward to what the networks will hype as the Sweet 16, better known as the third round of the NCAA Men's College Basketball Tournament brought to you by the suits up (or down) the road from you on Madison Avenue. If some pinstriped geek with an Obsession-based vapor trail came up with the equivalent of "Bracketology" for cow shit-eating like they do in China, then we'd be all filling out brackets for shit-eaters with names like Hung Lo and Wang Chung.
After the first week of the tournament, however, the suits and advertising geeks, probably the same guys who brought you limp-dicked Rafael Palmeiro, couldn't be happier. This year has featured all the upsets an ad exec could crave while still having a few large markets in the mix. UCONN, TEXAS, OK STATE, DUKE all managed to avoid looking ahead and concentrating on the task at hand. As consumers of this product, we should be happy, right? Surprise teams known as that bitch with a glass slipper is dressed like men in baggy shorts, thumbing a ride on the back of a pumpkin all the way to San Antonio while their ugly Step Mother plays pimp and collects FU network money. Meanwhile, Coach K-Rug cackles in the corner as he shows the rest of the bracket-obsessed world how you win in the post season.
In last week's column we picked a few #12-#5 upsets which turned up, but not in our geographic locations. Yeah, the Impaler's bracket hit the bricks a second after tip off as the Jasper's rolled from the whistle. My apologies to the Jaspers. I did not think you could do it, but you did with guts and class. Congrats on beating the crap out of Florida. It is about time someone put the Gators in their place.
EAST RUTHERFORD
St. Joe's (-2.5) vs Wake Forest
St. Joe's has managed to go farther than most people thought on a cold Sunday night during Bracketology 101 while the Demon Deacons have been playing below their ability and Prosser's expectations. After surviving the first rounds, indeed almost losing to Virginia Commonwealth in round one, after a few days rest and recollection, look for the Demon Deacons to win this one outright.
Wake Up at the right time grabbing two and a half points at game time for $440
Pittsburgh vs Oklahoma State (-1.5)
One of my few five star plays this weekend will be the Oklahoma State Cowboys' stifling defense against the Panthers who have gone as far as they can in this tourney. On the total, if I was a betting man, I'd take the under.
Cowboys laying the 1.5 will be the play for $550
PHOENIX
UAB vs Kansas (-4)
UAB has been playing lights-out defense while Kansas has benefited from a #12-#5 upset and a weak draw. UAB's startling victory at Kentucky has made believers out of us. The Jayhawks aren't as quick on transition this year and will suffer from UAB's accuracy beyond the arc and at the stripe.
The other team from Alabama for $330 grabbing four points is the safe bet.
Georgia Tech (-4.5) vs Nevada
Tech got out quickly against a lethargic Boston College Eagles team who managed to go down by as many as 11 points twice in the game and almost snared the Yellow jackets with good defense and timely shooting. In the end, a bad pass sealed the defeat for the Eagles who were left crawling on the floor with their wings clipped imagining what might have been. Meanwhile, Cinderella made another appearance as the Wolfpack destroyed Gonzaga in the second round of play. Nevada currently sports a 21 game win streak, the longest in the NCAAs. What does this mean for the Yellowjackets? They should be afraid, very afraid. Nevada might not win this one, but they are being given a lot of points.
Another ACC team goes down for $220.
ATLANTA
Duke (-7) vs Illinois
Yeah, yeah. I am not a huge fan of Duke. Sporting seven points to a surging Illini looks like a reverse football spread. Duke has not played poorly yet, while Illinois has really benefited from weaker opponents. Even if Illinois can manage to get ahead in the second half they have difficulty closing games. Although it hurts me to say, I love Duke to roll in this one.
Blue Devils laying the points? Can anyone say San Antonio for $330?
Texas (-2.5) vs Xavier
Xavier is playing some of the best basketball at the moment. Will this change when they meet Texas? The line tells us that this game is for the team that shows up. Texas has shown steady improvement and should give Xavier more competition than they saw against the Bulldogs and Cardinals.
Don't mess with Texas for $220
ST. LOUIS
Vanderbilt vs UConn (-8.5)
I'm not laying action on this game. Bet with your heart if you must, but the Catamounts gave UConn a bit of difficulty in the first half and the same might happen here with Vandy. Then again, UConn will probably roll. Your call. Good luck. Prediction?UConn wins a tight one.
Alabama vs Syracuse (-1.5)
Bringing the pride back to the Crimson Tide was not really forecasted this year when the pundits got together for their analysis. Somehow, 'Bama has made believers out of all of us, or had the Cardinal's luck ran out three points short. Defending champions are still defending champions and while most ignored them, the 'Cuse was out to prove to the country what they knew already, one mello shy does not a team bankrupt. While CA is doing his thing a mile up, the 'Cuse are still the team to beat and therefore still national champions?and they are playing like champs.
Repeat? Doubtful, but until someone tells me otherwise the money, $110 is less on 'Cuse and more on the Stanford hangover.
HEARTBREAK BRACKET
Okay, okay, so my number 10 madness bracket advice last week was Kentucky will win the 2004 National Championship. All I can say is, "You had UAB? I want to see that bracket!" As a famous person once said, "When did you cry?" Was it when the Jaspers defeated Florida; Xavier taking Mississippi State to the woodshed; UAB over Kentucky; Nevada spanking Gonzaga; the Hall beating 'Zona? Well, sorry to hear about your troubles but then you didn't heed my advice and listen to your wife instead of the hindsight boys on the Deuce. Hey, it ain't my dream job.
If you were paying attention last week then you rode with the Impaler to 5-2 against the number. Our five star plays went 2-0 as Xavier dumped Pitino and the boys and Memphis cocked the Cocks both teams winning outright. The lone three star play covered as well as East Tennessee State almost defeated a listless Cincinnati to the tune of 80-77, but easily covering the 9.5 point spread. We hit a snag on our two star plays (which is why they were two stars) when UIC and Western Michigan both lost outright, but the damage was not limited there as the Salukis of Southern Illinois lost to the Crimson Tide on a last second prayer that hit. Alabama is now in contention for the Final Four and the brainiacs at Stanford are still scratching their heads. Wasn't St. Joe's supposed to lose in the second round? And our first round one star play had the Central Florida Golden Knights giving as good as they got. Down by only four points at the half, they managed to hold Pittsburgh to 31 points in the second half. A great effort was for naught as the Panthers overcame their stalwart defense and eked out a 53-44 victory. Probably the reason the line on the Pitt-Wisc game was so low (Pitt as a one point road favorite). With only eight games that really count this Friday and Saturday, we look at our record ATS and figure we should be able to repeat our success again this weekend.
