Royal Review
By Victor Ludorem
Aloha, sports fans. Greetings from Sweet Home Curacao. Back from my Geisha House Tour of the Far East. Interesting culture, interesting people but I wouldn?t want to live there. Give me a home where the buffalo roam or better yet, give me a home where the wild bikinis roam and the skies are partly cloudy all day. This installment is penned from the fighting chair of the ?War Eagle?, a 90 ft. luxury-craft cutting a swath through the gentle turquoise waves of the Caribbean somewhere between Bonaire and Curacao. I am lucky enough to be invited on this ?Beer-mitzvah? aboard the yacht of my friends, along with several scantily clad interns vacationing from Amsterdam. This ?floating palace? has 4 staterooms, kitchen, bar, large entertainment center salon with reclining couches all around and several ?landing craft? for going ashore. On this fine day only thing better equipped than ?the War Eagle? are the blond interns and the only thing more fully loaded is Cap?n Jim at the helm.
After wrestling a few wahoo and tuna into the live-well, firing up a MonteCristo, and draining all the Amstels & Presidentes that Anita could uncork without the use of her hands. It?s quite a trick to see, sort of gives new meaning to ?Look Ma, No Hands!? Probably a good thing my sainted mother is not onboard this cruise. I sit back, stretch middle-aged muscles and think what a lucky guy I am, three weeks ago being fed with chopsticks in a stone hot tub and now watching Anita open wine bottles without a corkscrew as we glide toward another magnificent sunset. That Anita is a special girl.
But you too have the chance to get real lucky in the newest Royal Sports promotion
?The Million Dollar Royal Challenge?. Each week of pro football there are more than $60,000 in real prizes. That?s over a million smackers in prize money. You should be the lucky one to score because it is absolutely free to enter with no purchase necessary. I have never seen a more attractive offer in my life and as you know I?ve seen my share of attractive stuff. Just pick 8 college/pro games ATS and 4 Props from the Sunday and Monday night games and you are 60 dimes richer on Tuesday morning. We thought you?d like that.
As the sky pastels into purple, pink and orange I?ve enlisted my good friend and wooden-shoed colleague Ike Willem Beffen to assist me in my fearless prediction for order of finish in the new NFL realignment.
NFC East:
Phil ? still the class, loss of Trotter over-rated, McNabb has breakthrough year.
Wash ? love Spurrier?s take no prisoners style, plenty ex-Gators, All Pro LB corps.
Dal ? off season upgrades, very tough D, best draft since ?Jimma? left the scene.
NYG ? Goliath has fallen, OL woes will drive Collins to DWI, Armistead loss huge.
NFC South:
TB ? Gruden to add sizzle to offense, D still solid, McCardell to free up Keyshawn.
Atl ? lots of changes, Dunn & Duckett 1-2 punch, Reeves still sly when on medication.
NO ? many ?s, key personnel loses, Brooks will shine, Hazlett must redo the reaux.
Carl ? Weinke Dinky Dewey then punt, rookies Foster to get carries & Peppers is salty.
NFC North:
Chi ? the A-train is on track, QB depth now a plus, great coaching and Velcro defense.
GB ? can go as far as healthy Favre & Green can carry, big chemistry gamble w/ Glenn.
Det ? will show improvement w/ upgrade WRs, like looks of rookie QB Harrington.
Minn ? HC Tice will learn Vikes have much more talent in cleats than in helmets.
NFC West:
StL ? best team in NFL, explosive O and bolstered D, surprised if not in SBXXXVII.
Sea ? if Dilfer gets QB job this team will contend, loaded at the skill positions.
SF ? rebounding from glory years, good coach, tough division, Owens to try Prozac.
Arz ? classic under-acheivers result of bad management, WR Boston cream of the crop.
AFC East:
Mia ? RB Williams scores often w/ Turner calling plays, HUGE upgrade over lil?Shula.
NE ? last year was no fluke, great OL, QB Brady gets seasoning, will slug it out all year.
Buf ? vastly improved with pickup of Bledsoe & Centers, who knows if D can hold up.
NYJ ? nice WRs if Vinny can get them the ball, bank on RB Martin, DBs questionable.
AFC South:
Ind ? Dungy finally has a QB to work with, if James returns to form look out for Colts.
Ten ? Titans avoid injury bug that plagued last yr, Kearse still has curse of Kevin Carter.
Jax ? this team rapidly getting long in the tooth, maybe coaching change can breath life.
Hous ? QB Carr could be good one if he doesn?t get killed first, cool helmets = 2 wins.
AFC North:
Pitt ? has all components in place, improved PK, talent at WR, Kordell?, rock solid D.
Cinc ? team on the upswing, Dillon runs like scalded ape, if the only had a QB.
Clev ? also team on the rise, Couch maturing, strong up the middle, adding skill positons.
Balt ? flght from first to last fast, hard to stay on top w/ free agency, too many holes.
AFC West:
Den ? plenty of depth at many positions, great coaching, McCaffrey?s return a key.
SD ? once Brees takes over wild card hopes if Seau stays on field, LT no soph jinx.
KC ? much improved, w/ Gonzalez possible surprise team of league if division falters.
Oak ? look for Gannon to falter, another team over-ripe on the vine, (see the Jaguars).
There you have ?em all 32 teams, save this for future reference and ridicule. I?d still rather be lucky than good. And don?t forget to enter the Million Dollar Royal Challenge, you can?t win if you?re not in.
Heres hoping you get kissed by Lady Luck this year and find a bottle opener like Anita. Like I told Cap?n Jim, any fish will bite if you?ve got the right bait.
By Victor Ludorem
Aloha, sports fans. Greetings from Sweet Home Curacao. Back from my Geisha House Tour of the Far East. Interesting culture, interesting people but I wouldn?t want to live there. Give me a home where the buffalo roam or better yet, give me a home where the wild bikinis roam and the skies are partly cloudy all day. This installment is penned from the fighting chair of the ?War Eagle?, a 90 ft. luxury-craft cutting a swath through the gentle turquoise waves of the Caribbean somewhere between Bonaire and Curacao. I am lucky enough to be invited on this ?Beer-mitzvah? aboard the yacht of my friends, along with several scantily clad interns vacationing from Amsterdam. This ?floating palace? has 4 staterooms, kitchen, bar, large entertainment center salon with reclining couches all around and several ?landing craft? for going ashore. On this fine day only thing better equipped than ?the War Eagle? are the blond interns and the only thing more fully loaded is Cap?n Jim at the helm.
After wrestling a few wahoo and tuna into the live-well, firing up a MonteCristo, and draining all the Amstels & Presidentes that Anita could uncork without the use of her hands. It?s quite a trick to see, sort of gives new meaning to ?Look Ma, No Hands!? Probably a good thing my sainted mother is not onboard this cruise. I sit back, stretch middle-aged muscles and think what a lucky guy I am, three weeks ago being fed with chopsticks in a stone hot tub and now watching Anita open wine bottles without a corkscrew as we glide toward another magnificent sunset. That Anita is a special girl.
But you too have the chance to get real lucky in the newest Royal Sports promotion
?The Million Dollar Royal Challenge?. Each week of pro football there are more than $60,000 in real prizes. That?s over a million smackers in prize money. You should be the lucky one to score because it is absolutely free to enter with no purchase necessary. I have never seen a more attractive offer in my life and as you know I?ve seen my share of attractive stuff. Just pick 8 college/pro games ATS and 4 Props from the Sunday and Monday night games and you are 60 dimes richer on Tuesday morning. We thought you?d like that.
As the sky pastels into purple, pink and orange I?ve enlisted my good friend and wooden-shoed colleague Ike Willem Beffen to assist me in my fearless prediction for order of finish in the new NFL realignment.
NFC East:
Phil ? still the class, loss of Trotter over-rated, McNabb has breakthrough year.
Wash ? love Spurrier?s take no prisoners style, plenty ex-Gators, All Pro LB corps.
Dal ? off season upgrades, very tough D, best draft since ?Jimma? left the scene.
NYG ? Goliath has fallen, OL woes will drive Collins to DWI, Armistead loss huge.
NFC South:
TB ? Gruden to add sizzle to offense, D still solid, McCardell to free up Keyshawn.
Atl ? lots of changes, Dunn & Duckett 1-2 punch, Reeves still sly when on medication.
NO ? many ?s, key personnel loses, Brooks will shine, Hazlett must redo the reaux.
Carl ? Weinke Dinky Dewey then punt, rookies Foster to get carries & Peppers is salty.
NFC North:
Chi ? the A-train is on track, QB depth now a plus, great coaching and Velcro defense.
GB ? can go as far as healthy Favre & Green can carry, big chemistry gamble w/ Glenn.
Det ? will show improvement w/ upgrade WRs, like looks of rookie QB Harrington.
Minn ? HC Tice will learn Vikes have much more talent in cleats than in helmets.
NFC West:
StL ? best team in NFL, explosive O and bolstered D, surprised if not in SBXXXVII.
Sea ? if Dilfer gets QB job this team will contend, loaded at the skill positions.
SF ? rebounding from glory years, good coach, tough division, Owens to try Prozac.
Arz ? classic under-acheivers result of bad management, WR Boston cream of the crop.
AFC East:
Mia ? RB Williams scores often w/ Turner calling plays, HUGE upgrade over lil?Shula.
NE ? last year was no fluke, great OL, QB Brady gets seasoning, will slug it out all year.
Buf ? vastly improved with pickup of Bledsoe & Centers, who knows if D can hold up.
NYJ ? nice WRs if Vinny can get them the ball, bank on RB Martin, DBs questionable.
AFC South:
Ind ? Dungy finally has a QB to work with, if James returns to form look out for Colts.
Ten ? Titans avoid injury bug that plagued last yr, Kearse still has curse of Kevin Carter.
Jax ? this team rapidly getting long in the tooth, maybe coaching change can breath life.
Hous ? QB Carr could be good one if he doesn?t get killed first, cool helmets = 2 wins.
AFC North:
Pitt ? has all components in place, improved PK, talent at WR, Kordell?, rock solid D.
Cinc ? team on the upswing, Dillon runs like scalded ape, if the only had a QB.
Clev ? also team on the rise, Couch maturing, strong up the middle, adding skill positons.
Balt ? flght from first to last fast, hard to stay on top w/ free agency, too many holes.
AFC West:
Den ? plenty of depth at many positions, great coaching, McCaffrey?s return a key.
SD ? once Brees takes over wild card hopes if Seau stays on field, LT no soph jinx.
KC ? much improved, w/ Gonzalez possible surprise team of league if division falters.
Oak ? look for Gannon to falter, another team over-ripe on the vine, (see the Jaguars).
There you have ?em all 32 teams, save this for future reference and ridicule. I?d still rather be lucky than good. And don?t forget to enter the Million Dollar Royal Challenge, you can?t win if you?re not in.
Heres hoping you get kissed by Lady Luck this year and find a bottle opener like Anita. Like I told Cap?n Jim, any fish will bite if you?ve got the right bait.
