This is long but well worth it....
NOTE: If you had ever lived in Texas, the response of the first two
judges
> are pretty close to what you would expect. They actually have
> a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up
a
major
> portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an
> inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from
the
East
> Coast:
>
>
> I think you will enjoy this one. Read all the responses to get the
full
> impact.
>
>
> "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off.
The
> original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to
be
> standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the
Budweiser
> truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges
(Native
> Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they
told
me
> I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
>
> Here are the scorecards from the event:
>
>
> Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
>
> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth, tomato flavor. Very mild
>
> Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You
could
> remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
> flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>
>
>
> Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
>
> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
>
> Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what
I'm
> supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
> who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
beer
> when they saw the look on my face.
>
>
>
> Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
>
> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more
beans.
>
> Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers
>
> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels
like
> I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
> now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
back,
now
> my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced
from
> all of the beer
>
>
>
> Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
>
> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or
> other mild foods, not much of a chili.
>
> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable
to
> taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,
was
> standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is
starting to
> look HOT-just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
aphrodisiac?
>
>
>
> Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
>
> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding
> considerable kick. Very impressive.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit
> the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>
> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I
> can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed
> paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili
> had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring
> beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
off.
> It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming.
> Screw those rednecks.
>
>
>
> Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
>
> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
of
> spices and peppers.
>
> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic.
> Superb.
>
> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous,
> sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat
> through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that
> slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
> anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
>
>
>
> Chili # 7 Susan's screaming Sensation Chili
>
> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of
chili
> peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about
Judge
> # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
>
> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
I
> wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds
like
> it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slide
> unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to
match my
> shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
> decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any
> oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole
> in my stomach.
>
>
>
> Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
>
> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
too
bold
> but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>
> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild
nor
> hot.
>
> Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell
over
> and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to
> make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot
chili."
>
NOTE: If you had ever lived in Texas, the response of the first two
judges
> are pretty close to what you would expect. They actually have
> a Chili cook-off about the time the rodeo comes to town. It takes up
a
major
> portion of the parking lot at the Astrodome. The notes are from an
> inexperienced chili taster named Frank, who was visiting Texas from
the
East
> Coast:
>
>
> I think you will enjoy this one. Read all the responses to get the
full
> impact.
>
>
> "Recently, I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili
cook-off.
The
> original person called in sick at the last moment and I happened to
be
> standing there at the judge's table asking directions to the
Budweiser
> truck, when the call came in. I was assured by the other two judges
(Native
> Texans) that the chili wouldn't be all that spicy and, besides, they
told
me
> I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted."
>
> Here are the scorecards from the event:
>
>
> Chili # 1 Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
>
> Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth, tomato flavor. Very mild
>
> Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You
could
> remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the
> flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These Texans are crazy.
>
>
>
> Chili # 2 Arthur's Afterburner Chili
>
> Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken
seriously.
>
> Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure
what
I'm
> supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people
> who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more
beer
> when they saw the look on my face.
>
>
>
> Chili # 3 Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
>
> Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chili. Great kick. Needs more
beans.
>
> Judge # 2 -- A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of peppers
>
> Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose
feels
like
> I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by
> now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the
back,
now
> my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting shit-faced
from
> all of the beer
>
>
>
> Chili # 4 Bubba's Black Magic
>
> Judge # 1 -- Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for
fish or
> other mild foods, not much of a chili.
>
> Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was
unable
to
> taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the barmaid,
was
> standing behind me with fresh refills. That 300-lb. bitch is
starting to
> look HOT-just like this nuclear waste I'm eating. Is chili an
aphrodisiac?
>
>
>
> Chili # 5 Linda's Legal Lip Remover
>
> Judge # 1 -- Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground,
adding
> considerable kick. Very impressive.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must
admit
> the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.
>
> Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead
and I
> can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me
needed
> paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her
chili
> had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by
pouring
> beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips
off.
> It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop
screaming.
> Screw those rednecks.
>
>
>
> Chili # 6 Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
>
> Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance
of
> spices and peppers.
>
> Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and
garlic.
> Superb.
>
> Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with
gaseous,
> sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I'm worried it will
eat
> through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except
that
> slut Sally. She must be kinkier than I thought. Can't feel my lips
> anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone.
>
>
>
> Chili # 7 Susan's screaming Sensation Chili
>
> Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned
peppers.
>
> Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can
of
chili
> peppers at the last moment. I should take note that I am worried
about
Judge
> # 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing
uncontrollably.
>
> Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and
I
> wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world
sounds
like
> it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which
slide
> unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava like shit to
match my
> shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've
> decided to stop breathing, its too painful. Screw it; I'm not getting
any
> oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch
hole
> in my stomach.
>
>
>
> Chili #8 Tommy's Toe-Nail Curling Chili
>
> Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili. Not
too
bold
> but spicy enough to declare its existence.
>
> Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balance chili. Neither mild
nor
> hot.
>
> Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge # 3 passed out, fell
over
> and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's
going to
> make it. Poor dude, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot
chili."
>
