COW?S NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS
?Twas the night before Christmas and I really think
That the only thing stirring was the straw in my drink
As I studied my numbers for the next day?s football
By the chimney a sweat sock hung alone on the wall
A hooker named Vixen was asleep in my bed
She?d danced in my pants until ?Stanley? was dead
When up on the roof, I heard a loud noise
I wondered, was it a thief? Or was it one of the boys?
So I went to the window and looked up towards the sky
And what should I see but this freakin? fat guy!
With a red suit and boots that came up to his knees
I was boozed but I swear, it was Dom Deluise
He had a big sled bein? pulled by reindeer
He called one of ?em Dancer, so I assumed he was queer
As he snuck ?cross my roof, it became clear to me
That son of a bitch planned to lift my TV!
Over his shoulder, he had a big sack
As he came down my chimney, I planned my attack
I patiently waited ?til the timing seemed ripe
Then Whack! On the head! Botta bing, with a pipe!
He fell to the floor with a groan and a thud
I was kinda surprised that I didn?t see blood
Instead, he rolled over, looked me in the eye
When I seen who I whacked I near started to cry
Shit! Sorry Santa! Will you be all right?
He called me some names and said, ?This ain?t my night!
I got lost in Toronto; damn near hit some nun
Got robbed outside Philly, Comet?s got the runs
I been workin? my ass off; really bustin? my hump
Now I feel dizzy, feel the size of this lump!
I can?t continue, it?s up to you now
You gotta take over, gotta be Santa Cow!?
?You?re freakin? nuts! Find someone sober to ask!?
He just winked as he took a long pull off his flask
Then he made me an offer I couldn?t refuse
He said, ?Stop at each house . . . except for the Jews.?
So I picked up his sack and got into his suit
Put my smokes in a pocket and a pint in a boot
And then I took off, didn?t wanna be late
While old Nick spent the night hosin? my date
That night I was Santa, bringin? kids joy and bliss
And if you don?t believe me . . . Hey! Jingle this!
Since then I been with him each year in the cold
Riding shotgun with Santa, ?cause he?s fat and he?s old
Yes, I?m Santa?s assistant; his number one guy
So on this Christmas Eve don?t you be surprised
If you hear a voice say in between some loud moos
?Merry Christmas to allayuz . . . Hey! Where?s my booze??
Welp, I think that?s alla my Christmas crap. No wait! Just one more thing! http://www.madjacksports.com/COW.shtml
The mans nuts roasting on an open fire
Jack Daniels to sip on in the back
Lotsa classy ?cappers what I truly admire
It?s another Christmas at MadJack?s
My gift to the players is a simple phrase
And maybe a shot or two of booze
From my heart, I say thanks for all your help with my plays
Merry Christmas to you
?Twas the night before Christmas and I really think
That the only thing stirring was the straw in my drink
As I studied my numbers for the next day?s football
By the chimney a sweat sock hung alone on the wall
A hooker named Vixen was asleep in my bed
She?d danced in my pants until ?Stanley? was dead
When up on the roof, I heard a loud noise
I wondered, was it a thief? Or was it one of the boys?
So I went to the window and looked up towards the sky
And what should I see but this freakin? fat guy!
With a red suit and boots that came up to his knees
I was boozed but I swear, it was Dom Deluise
He had a big sled bein? pulled by reindeer
He called one of ?em Dancer, so I assumed he was queer
As he snuck ?cross my roof, it became clear to me
That son of a bitch planned to lift my TV!
Over his shoulder, he had a big sack
As he came down my chimney, I planned my attack
I patiently waited ?til the timing seemed ripe
Then Whack! On the head! Botta bing, with a pipe!
He fell to the floor with a groan and a thud
I was kinda surprised that I didn?t see blood
Instead, he rolled over, looked me in the eye
When I seen who I whacked I near started to cry
Shit! Sorry Santa! Will you be all right?
He called me some names and said, ?This ain?t my night!
I got lost in Toronto; damn near hit some nun
Got robbed outside Philly, Comet?s got the runs
I been workin? my ass off; really bustin? my hump
Now I feel dizzy, feel the size of this lump!
I can?t continue, it?s up to you now
You gotta take over, gotta be Santa Cow!?
?You?re freakin? nuts! Find someone sober to ask!?
He just winked as he took a long pull off his flask
Then he made me an offer I couldn?t refuse
He said, ?Stop at each house . . . except for the Jews.?
So I picked up his sack and got into his suit
Put my smokes in a pocket and a pint in a boot
And then I took off, didn?t wanna be late
While old Nick spent the night hosin? my date
That night I was Santa, bringin? kids joy and bliss
And if you don?t believe me . . . Hey! Jingle this!
Since then I been with him each year in the cold
Riding shotgun with Santa, ?cause he?s fat and he?s old
Yes, I?m Santa?s assistant; his number one guy
So on this Christmas Eve don?t you be surprised
If you hear a voice say in between some loud moos
?Merry Christmas to allayuz . . . Hey! Where?s my booze??
Welp, I think that?s alla my Christmas crap. No wait! Just one more thing! http://www.madjacksports.com/COW.shtml
The mans nuts roasting on an open fire
Jack Daniels to sip on in the back
Lotsa classy ?cappers what I truly admire
It?s another Christmas at MadJack?s
My gift to the players is a simple phrase
And maybe a shot or two of booze
From my heart, I say thanks for all your help with my plays
Merry Christmas to you
