So, anyway...
Those a yuz in the know might take a look-see at these. Unholycow is back for the NFL season. Start winnin' and grinnin', fellas, I'm doin' the damn work!
Week 1
I usually play a conservative slate in the season's opening week, and this one ain't gunna be any different. My top plays are on chalk for cryin' out loud! Hey, whattaya gunna do, am I right?
St. Louis PK @ N.Y. Giants 46?
No longer an innovative and confusing passing attack, the slow, gradual decline of the STL offense will continue this season. Another problem for 'em in this contest is that they cannot cover Hilliard and Toomer. The G-men at home oughtta cop the cash in this one. In fact, the more I write about it, the more I'm sure I'm right about it. Ya see what I'm sayin'?
The Cow Pie: NYG pk
New England PK @ Buffalo 46
Whattaya know? I think I been thinkin' of these first two home teams as chalk! Well, they oughtta be in my estimation, but the good news is that my picks don't look as freakin' square as I was thinkin' they did. So we luh dat.
Bottom-lining it for yuz, I feel we're getting the better team at home and with better motivation. And we don't have to give a freakin' thing! Suh Weet!
The Cow Pie: BUF pk
So, how in the hell has everybody been, huh?
Shaddup, ya bums, I ain't got time to pretend I'm interested in them mundane lives what you got.
Baltimore +5 @ Pittsburgh 39?
Hey! Did I mention that I don't drink no more? Psst... barkeep... another Beefeater, on the double. Uh... acourse I ain't drinkin' any less neither. Ya see what I'm sayin'? In any case, I needed some liquid refreshment for this game, because I am definately eatin' chalk. Now, here's why, wiseguy. Dig.
Primarily, Kyle Boller. Pittsburgh's run-stuffing, helmet-rattling stop crew has gotta be the worst kinda rookie QB nightmare. Especially considering Coach Cow's unacceptable 4-7 record in season openers.
There are several other note-worthy factors what merit some consideration as well, but I believe the key to solving this contest has been previously discussed, as well as documented for you above.
The Cow Pie: PIT -5
Jacksonville +3? @ Carolina 34?
Obviously, the Jimmy Smith suspension makes the Jagoffs much easier to defend. And I'm a Stephen Davis fan, too, but I ain't been able yet to pull the trigger on this one. Lets move on, shall we?
The Cow Pie: Uninterested
Houston +14 @ Miami 35
This game is absolutely -- hmmm, wait a minute -- Bartender! Mike it a Absolute martini on the rocks this time. Thanks, man.
As I was sayin', this is a game what I simply cannot play. Ya see, I think the Fish'll win by 20, but at the same time, I absolutely refuse to lay two NFL touchdowns to anyone at any time.
That's it. Move along. Nothin' more here to see.
The Cow Pie: Unplayable
Eggs Benedict walks into a bar, ya follow? Shaking his head, the booze jockey pointed to the door and said, "Beat it, buddy! We don't serve breakfast here."
Indianapolis -6 @ Cincinnati 48?
As I sit here, smoking this stogie and sipping on various sortsa libations, I find myself completely convinced that Jake the Snake will discover professional Nirvana in Denver. Also, I'll inch further out on the limb and offer the Broncos winning the AFC Championship at +1100 as the best value on your NFL futures menu. Now, mix in the fact that when last these to clubs met, Corey Dillon of the Stripes rushed for an NFL-record 278 yards. So, uh, I kinda figure the Broncos may be a little more focused this time around. Ya know what I mean?
The Cow Power Figures made Denver an 11-point pick so, first yuz all got to witness Mars bein' like a stone's throw away and now you get to witness this... I, the Unholy Bovinian have decided to lay 6 points of road wood in Cin City. It's Unbeliefable, ain't it? Just goes to show you, kids, if yuz keep your eyes and ears open, life is rife with miraculous occurances such as these.
The Cow Pie: DEN -6
Arizona +4 @ Detroit 39
First, let me say this, okay? I'm an Oregonian and a huge fanna Joey Harrington, but at the same time, fellas, I think this game'll have all the excitement of a spelling bee. If forced, I'd take Emmitt and the Cards, but I don't see nobody what's gotta heater trained on me, so...
The Cow Pie: El Paso, mi amigo
Minnesota +5 @ GB 47?
This one ain't gunna be a yawner by any stretch of the imagination. I'm really looking forward to watching a bitta this one. But, Buster, I wouldn't bet this game with freakin' Jack's money! And I hear that supply is virtually endless anymore. Ya see what I'm sayin'? In my opinion, this game is uncallable. What? Okay, I'll take the Purple and the points for one ice-cold Rolling Rock. But just ine, ya got it? That's all this one is worth.
The Cow Pie: No bet (of any "real" value)
San Diego +5? @ Kansas City 47?
Seein' as I'm expecting huge doses of LaDanian and Priest, my first instinct had me eyeing the under like it was All-You-Can-Eat Crab Legs. But as you fellas oughtta know by now, week one totals are a no-no.
Since my numbers came back with KC a 6-point choice, I have had virtually no problem leaving this game on the shelf.
The Cow Pie: Uh-uh
Atlanta +2 @ Dallas 36?
You know me, I love the smella tuna, am I right? So natch, I got me a Cowboy lean outta the gawdam gate. It'll take way more than that though before you'll be seein' any of my cabbage backin' the Star. In fact, I'm keepin' away from this one.
The Cow Pie: Nope!
New Orleans +3 @ Seattle 48
I investigated it for a quick second and realized this was anothr of them games with a seemingly obese total. Interesting, huh? Screw it.
Laziness forbids me from expounding upon the available data, but the Cow Pow Figs made the Hawks a full 7-poin favorite in this spot, and dammit, I'm a bit action-starved at the moment, so...
Forgive me, I'm weak, okay? But just remember, I'm probably luckier than any three guys you know.
The Cow Pie: SEA -3
Chicago +7 @ San Francisco 40?
Kordell struggled mightily at times with the solid Pitsburgh Steelers, now he's with a bad team with an injury-riddled OL. I believe we're getting a huge bargain only having to lay 7 points. I don't know about you guys, but as for me... I'm betting this one with both hands.
The Cow Pie: SF -7 A COW POWER PIE
Oakland +3 @ Tennessee 46
Don't make it too complicated, ya follow? We know the Raiders have the better team. I mean, there ain't a single doubt in my mind about that. The only reason this ain't a Power Pie, in fact, is because it seems to be so gawdam easy!
Ah, and I'm getting points again. Everything seems to be coming into alignment here in Bovinia. Serenity and tranquility abound. I guess it's time to make some money.
The Cow Pie: OAK +3
Tampa Bay +3 @ Philadelphia 36
I'll tryta get yuz the 4-1-1 on this pick later, but I'm afraid it ain't too likely to happen. Unfortunately, I think mosta yuz are disagreeing with me. Hey, ya know, if that what really happens, you are gunna hafta deal wid it!
The Cow Pie: PHI -3
And just between me you and the lamppost, pal, right now I got the Eagles over the Broncos in this season's final game.
Welp, there you have 'em. Unholycow's Week One picks in the NFL. I sincerely hope they do yuz some good. I will say this, though. I am pretty freakin' sure that comin' in here and talkin' to you fellas again has done me some good. Ya see what I'm sayin'? Anyway, I wanted to thank you for takin' the time.
I suppose summa you guys might feel you deserve an explanation about my whereabouts of late. I hear ya, okay? And I will be spillin, too. Just not today, okay? Thanks!
Again, the flipside of that coin is that I am so gawdam happy to be in here with allayuz again. I was on a first-class adventure and I been right on top of a hotstreak, but this joint still feels like freakin' home.
BARTENDER!
Those a yuz in the know might take a look-see at these. Unholycow is back for the NFL season. Start winnin' and grinnin', fellas, I'm doin' the damn work!
Week 1
I usually play a conservative slate in the season's opening week, and this one ain't gunna be any different. My top plays are on chalk for cryin' out loud! Hey, whattaya gunna do, am I right?
St. Louis PK @ N.Y. Giants 46?
No longer an innovative and confusing passing attack, the slow, gradual decline of the STL offense will continue this season. Another problem for 'em in this contest is that they cannot cover Hilliard and Toomer. The G-men at home oughtta cop the cash in this one. In fact, the more I write about it, the more I'm sure I'm right about it. Ya see what I'm sayin'?
The Cow Pie: NYG pk
New England PK @ Buffalo 46
Whattaya know? I think I been thinkin' of these first two home teams as chalk! Well, they oughtta be in my estimation, but the good news is that my picks don't look as freakin' square as I was thinkin' they did. So we luh dat.
Bottom-lining it for yuz, I feel we're getting the better team at home and with better motivation. And we don't have to give a freakin' thing! Suh Weet!
The Cow Pie: BUF pk
So, how in the hell has everybody been, huh?
Shaddup, ya bums, I ain't got time to pretend I'm interested in them mundane lives what you got.
Baltimore +5 @ Pittsburgh 39?
Hey! Did I mention that I don't drink no more? Psst... barkeep... another Beefeater, on the double. Uh... acourse I ain't drinkin' any less neither. Ya see what I'm sayin'? In any case, I needed some liquid refreshment for this game, because I am definately eatin' chalk. Now, here's why, wiseguy. Dig.
Primarily, Kyle Boller. Pittsburgh's run-stuffing, helmet-rattling stop crew has gotta be the worst kinda rookie QB nightmare. Especially considering Coach Cow's unacceptable 4-7 record in season openers.
There are several other note-worthy factors what merit some consideration as well, but I believe the key to solving this contest has been previously discussed, as well as documented for you above.
The Cow Pie: PIT -5
Jacksonville +3? @ Carolina 34?
Obviously, the Jimmy Smith suspension makes the Jagoffs much easier to defend. And I'm a Stephen Davis fan, too, but I ain't been able yet to pull the trigger on this one. Lets move on, shall we?
The Cow Pie: Uninterested
Houston +14 @ Miami 35
This game is absolutely -- hmmm, wait a minute -- Bartender! Mike it a Absolute martini on the rocks this time. Thanks, man.
As I was sayin', this is a game what I simply cannot play. Ya see, I think the Fish'll win by 20, but at the same time, I absolutely refuse to lay two NFL touchdowns to anyone at any time.
That's it. Move along. Nothin' more here to see.
The Cow Pie: Unplayable
Eggs Benedict walks into a bar, ya follow? Shaking his head, the booze jockey pointed to the door and said, "Beat it, buddy! We don't serve breakfast here."
Indianapolis -6 @ Cincinnati 48?
As I sit here, smoking this stogie and sipping on various sortsa libations, I find myself completely convinced that Jake the Snake will discover professional Nirvana in Denver. Also, I'll inch further out on the limb and offer the Broncos winning the AFC Championship at +1100 as the best value on your NFL futures menu. Now, mix in the fact that when last these to clubs met, Corey Dillon of the Stripes rushed for an NFL-record 278 yards. So, uh, I kinda figure the Broncos may be a little more focused this time around. Ya know what I mean?
The Cow Power Figures made Denver an 11-point pick so, first yuz all got to witness Mars bein' like a stone's throw away and now you get to witness this... I, the Unholy Bovinian have decided to lay 6 points of road wood in Cin City. It's Unbeliefable, ain't it? Just goes to show you, kids, if yuz keep your eyes and ears open, life is rife with miraculous occurances such as these.
The Cow Pie: DEN -6
Arizona +4 @ Detroit 39
First, let me say this, okay? I'm an Oregonian and a huge fanna Joey Harrington, but at the same time, fellas, I think this game'll have all the excitement of a spelling bee. If forced, I'd take Emmitt and the Cards, but I don't see nobody what's gotta heater trained on me, so...
The Cow Pie: El Paso, mi amigo
Minnesota +5 @ GB 47?
This one ain't gunna be a yawner by any stretch of the imagination. I'm really looking forward to watching a bitta this one. But, Buster, I wouldn't bet this game with freakin' Jack's money! And I hear that supply is virtually endless anymore. Ya see what I'm sayin'? In my opinion, this game is uncallable. What? Okay, I'll take the Purple and the points for one ice-cold Rolling Rock. But just ine, ya got it? That's all this one is worth.
The Cow Pie: No bet (of any "real" value)
San Diego +5? @ Kansas City 47?
Seein' as I'm expecting huge doses of LaDanian and Priest, my first instinct had me eyeing the under like it was All-You-Can-Eat Crab Legs. But as you fellas oughtta know by now, week one totals are a no-no.
Since my numbers came back with KC a 6-point choice, I have had virtually no problem leaving this game on the shelf.
The Cow Pie: Uh-uh
Atlanta +2 @ Dallas 36?
You know me, I love the smella tuna, am I right? So natch, I got me a Cowboy lean outta the gawdam gate. It'll take way more than that though before you'll be seein' any of my cabbage backin' the Star. In fact, I'm keepin' away from this one.
The Cow Pie: Nope!
New Orleans +3 @ Seattle 48
I investigated it for a quick second and realized this was anothr of them games with a seemingly obese total. Interesting, huh? Screw it.
Laziness forbids me from expounding upon the available data, but the Cow Pow Figs made the Hawks a full 7-poin favorite in this spot, and dammit, I'm a bit action-starved at the moment, so...
Forgive me, I'm weak, okay? But just remember, I'm probably luckier than any three guys you know.
The Cow Pie: SEA -3
Chicago +7 @ San Francisco 40?
Kordell struggled mightily at times with the solid Pitsburgh Steelers, now he's with a bad team with an injury-riddled OL. I believe we're getting a huge bargain only having to lay 7 points. I don't know about you guys, but as for me... I'm betting this one with both hands.
The Cow Pie: SF -7 A COW POWER PIE
Oakland +3 @ Tennessee 46
Don't make it too complicated, ya follow? We know the Raiders have the better team. I mean, there ain't a single doubt in my mind about that. The only reason this ain't a Power Pie, in fact, is because it seems to be so gawdam easy!
Ah, and I'm getting points again. Everything seems to be coming into alignment here in Bovinia. Serenity and tranquility abound. I guess it's time to make some money.
The Cow Pie: OAK +3
Tampa Bay +3 @ Philadelphia 36
I'll tryta get yuz the 4-1-1 on this pick later, but I'm afraid it ain't too likely to happen. Unfortunately, I think mosta yuz are disagreeing with me. Hey, ya know, if that what really happens, you are gunna hafta deal wid it!
The Cow Pie: PHI -3
And just between me you and the lamppost, pal, right now I got the Eagles over the Broncos in this season's final game.
Welp, there you have 'em. Unholycow's Week One picks in the NFL. I sincerely hope they do yuz some good. I will say this, though. I am pretty freakin' sure that comin' in here and talkin' to you fellas again has done me some good. Ya see what I'm sayin'? Anyway, I wanted to thank you for takin' the time.
I suppose summa you guys might feel you deserve an explanation about my whereabouts of late. I hear ya, okay? And I will be spillin, too. Just not today, okay? Thanks!
Again, the flipside of that coin is that I am so gawdam happy to be in here with allayuz again. I was on a first-class adventure and I been right on top of a hotstreak, but this joint still feels like freakin' home.
BARTENDER!
