Posted on Sun, Oct. 16, 2005
Monica Lewinsky said she was shocked by reports about the Vikings sex cruise. The former intern said the Vikings should have limited such behavior to the privacy of their own Oval Office.
Former President Clinton said the Vikings may have done nothing wrong. It just depends on what the meaning of the word "sack" is.
Mike Tice was so furious after news of the cruise leaked, he started the next practice by making players run extra lap dances.
A property owner on Lake Minnetonka said several players urinated on her lawn, Tice said he knows exactly what that lawn feels like.
NFL Films already is deep into the planning stages for the 2005 Vikings season wrapup film. It will be titled "The Road to Penicillin."
Reports of promiscuity spread across the nation in light of the Vikings scandal. Its effects were felt as far away as Chicago, where American League umpire Doug Eddings let A.J. Pierzynski get to first base.
Zygi Wilf, right, spent the past week helping draft the Vikings' new code of conduct. No. 1 on the owner's list: Show respect for your teammates' anonymous sex partners.
Police say out-of-state exotic dancers were flown in for the Vikings' fete, and Tim Pawlenty is outraged. The governor told The Loop "those %#$*@! jobs should have gone to Minnesota strippers!"
If the strippers were from an escort service, that finally would explain recent practice squad signings Boobie Clark, Fair Hooker and Demetria Underpants.
Reggie Fowler said he was surprised to hear about the alleged orgy cruise. The Vikings' limited partner said he'd never been to any party like that, except for the celebration after he won the Little League World Series.
Cruise staffers reported seeing Vikings players on the floor engaging in sex with naked women. They said the Vikings were easily recognizable, since they're used to seeing them flat on their back.
Stephen Doyle, a lawyer for the crew, said staffers witnessed activity so explicit that "imagination wasn't necessary." He said imagination only would be necessary to picture these Vikings in the Super Bowl.
Say this for the Vikings, at least they were willing to put in the time for a special session.
Experts say Minnesotans might be overreacting to the scandal. Historians point out that if Minnesotans are worried that this is the most embarrassing event in state history, they should remember two words: "Governor Ventura."
Jesse Ventura mocked the Vikings players. The former governor told The Loop that sex on lake cruises is a crutch for weak-minded people, and that real men get their sex by paying for it with Nevada prostitutes.
The Loop can be reached at
loop@pioneerpress.com.
