Best Drinking Story Ever

[Helen]

BEST DRINKING STORY EVER

From the state where drinking and driving is considered a sport, comes a true story from Kansas. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighborhood bar. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys in five different
vehicles, the man managed to find his own car which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left
the bar and drove off. Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a dry night), flicked the hazard flasher on and off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights. He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationary for a few more minutes as more patrons left in their vehicles. At last he pulled out of the parking lot and started to drive slowly down the street. The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up his patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test. To his amazement the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said, "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station. This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy."

 

[ESSO]

That was a good one

 

[Justinsmom829]

Nice.

 

[Nolan Dalla]

Reminds me of the great line from the Sam Kinnison routine, where he makes fun of the anti-drinking fanatics. He asks the audience, WHO HERE IS GOING TO DRINK AND DRIVE tonight? The enture crowd goes bonkers because -- as we all know -- EVERYONE in the audience is going to be drinking and will drive later in the night.

He then asks in a profanity-laden tirade, HOW THE F*CK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO GET HOME AFTER WE DRINK, IF WE DON"T DRIVE? Again, the audience breaks into hysteria.

Then, he makes the (Libertarian) point that 99 percent of us can drink and drive fine. It's the 1 percent that mess everything up. So, we get insane multi-million dollar PR campaigns not to "drink and drive." The real answer is to accept the fact that people WILL drink and drive (I do this EVERY night). Face the facts. The key is to so so respnosibly, and you violate the drunkeness standards, then mandatory prison time should follow.

Here's to honesty, here's to drinking and driving.

Nolan Dalla

 

[Stuman]

:toast: :drinky: :burnout

 

[kosar]

Nolan,

You're one of the few(only?) people that i've ever seen advocate drunken driving and at the same time mock 'anti drunken driving campaigns'. While it's impressive that you drink and drive every night, I sure hope that you never lose somebody because they were hit head on by somebody who thinks along those lines. I would think that you would change your tune if your wifes head was splattered all over her windshield on account of another person who thought he was a 'good' drunken driver, just like you and '99% of other people', as you so eloquently(read:idiotically) stated.

Those bitches at MADD are just being silly, aren't they Nolan?

Then again, you're the home of the '28-way teaser wheels', so nothing that you post should surprise me.

 

[KotysDad]

Here's to honesty, here's to drinking and driving.

Maybe I dont get out enough, but this has to be THE most idiotic statement I have ever read. Nolan, I must say with all honesty, there are times I read your stuff and think "This guy really knows his shit (usually it's concerning sports handicapping), then there are the other 99% of your writings that I read and think "Did I just read that right?"

You obviously havent had a close friend perish at the hands of a guy who was drinking and driving.

Wasnt Kinnison the one who was killed by a drunk driver in the Vegas desert just as he was getting himself straightened out from drugs or something?? I might have him confused with someone else, but I thought it was him.

 

[S-Love]

what Nolan failed to mention was that he drives a 3 speed Schwinn complete with banana seat and middle shifter- I've seen him plenty of times in his polyester suit pedaling down the Strip chasing after the bums screaming "Where's the twenty bucks I lent you"

 

[kosar]

S-Love,

While what you say is surely true, I think that you're being a little unfair. Anybody that sells ice cream while pedaling a bicycle in the Vegas heat gets my respect. While he seemingly has lent money to every needy person in Las Vegas, according to his self-serving stories, he doesn't actually pay off his own bets. That tends to help the ol' cash flow and enables him to throw out a 20 spot every now and then and then whine about it.

 

[sportsnut13]

:thefinger :drinky: :drinky: :gf:

 

[TBONEZ0295]

The real answer is to accept the fact that people WILL k and drive (I do this EVERY night).

Here's to honesty, here's to drinking and driving.

Nolan Dalla

I guess you feel as if you are special privilaged now BIG TV STAR and all



I sure hope some one doesn't get hurt or worse dies on your account due to your nightly "drinking and driving" my guess would be you don't even carry insurance.......................Hell who can afford insurance when they can't pay off there bets..............

 

[BahamaMama]

The real answer is to accept the fact that people WILL drink and drive (I do this EVERY night). Face the facts. The key is to so so respnosibly, and you violate the drunkeness standards, then mandatory prison time should follow.

Here's to honesty, here's to drinking and driving.

Nolan Dalla

not sure if i'm the one taking Nolan's comment wrong, or if it is everyone else, but i se him agreeing only to the above statement. Keep in mind, the key here is *TO DO SO RESPONSIBLY* ...... you can drink, and not put youself over the low legal limit.

even in Kinison's routine, it states that you don't violate the *standards*, or you do jail time. i'm with Nolan here, nothing wrong with drinking and driving if you aren't drunk.

 

[Hoops]

Bizarro world. Some of these comments are so unbelievably ridiculous, I'm really not sure how to respond.

There IS something very wrong with drinking and driving.

 

[kosar]

Annie, come on.

Obviously, when people speak of 'drinking and driving', it means driving while drunk. There is nobody on this planet that would say 'drinking and driving' and mean 'having one beer and driving'.

Maybe you actually do think that this is what this guy meant, but if so, you're way off base.


Tara,

You're exactly right. It's easy to be cavalier until it affects you in some way.


Hey, we've all done it at one time or the other, but to encourage it and to basically laugh in the face of people who have been affected by this is pathetic.

 

[BahamaMama]

Bizarro world. Some of these comments are so unbelievably ridiculous, I'm really not sure how to respond.

There IS something very wrong with drinking and driving.

Hoops, are you referring to drinking and driving, or getting drunk and driving? huge difference.

do you honestly see a problem with going out for a fancy dinner with a glass of wine or champagne or something, then eating a meal and sitting there for an hour or 2, and driving home?

 

[MadJack]

i think nolan is quoting kinnison's routine. i highly doubt these are nolan's feelings about drinking and driving but maybe *I* read it wrong.

nolan doesn't "drink and drive" every night. he was talking about kinnison.

right nolan? :shrug:

 

[BahamaMama]

Matt.... i was basing my interpretation on this line alone....


"The key is to so so respnosibly, and you violate the drunkeness standards, then mandatory prison time should follow."

that's what made me see it as meaning *drinking* rather than *getting drunk*

 

[dr. freeze]

i don't really understand why they make us report fellow doctors who are drunk on the job.....especially...uh...lets say Cardiovascular surgeons...

99% can still do an okay job....why ruin it by the 1% who can't???

 

[kosar]

Jack/Annie,

If he was still quoting Sam's act, why would he put in parenthesis (I do it EVERY night)? That makes no sense. And do you really think that part of Sams act was to let us know that 'if you violate 'drunkeness standards(whatever that means), you should go to prison?

 

[BahamaMama]

Matt, agree with you that much of what i thought may have been part of the *routine*, was actually Nolan's own words... not sure what your interpretation is of the *drunkeness standards* part, but what i see, is *anything over the legal driving limit, is not within the standards*