Some stuff in my life is kind of bumming me out right about now...Need some pick me ups. Just wondering if anyone's heard any new jokes lately. Thanks fellas...
I'm In Desperate Need Of Some Jokes...
- Thread starter Chopsticks
- Start date
.not a joke, but kind of a funny statement...
...on the way home from work I was listening to a little girl talking to her mother at the store...
.she stated to her mother that...
...."Mom, I am so hungry that I'm far*ing fresh air"...
...whatever is bumming you out Chop...just try to find the bright side somewhere!....(might be dim, but it's light!)
...on the way home from work I was listening to a little girl talking to her mother at the store...
.she stated to her mother that...
...."Mom, I am so hungry that I'm far*ing fresh air"...
...whatever is bumming you out Chop...just try to find the bright side somewhere!....(might be dim, but it's light!)
I usually tell this from the female view point but I regret you are having a rought time so for you I will tell it from the male point of view
How do you make your girlfriend/wife scream and holler when you are making love?.......................
- Call her and tell her where you are at!
:brows:
Hope things get better man.......
How do you make your girlfriend/wife scream and holler when you are making love?.......................
- Call her and tell her where you are at!
:brows:
Hope things get better man.......
Two deaf mutes get married and they're having a hard time communicating their sexual moods to each other. As the weeks pass by and the frustration grows, the girl finally says -- in sign language of course, "When you want to have sex with me...Just squeeze my breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, just squeeze my breast two times."
The guy ponders her suggestion. And then he says, (signing), "Good! And if you want to have sex with me, just pull on my weezer one time. And if you don't want to have sex, just pull on it 50 times."
cheer up, man! the Tigers are peaking at the right time. even though the peak will probably turn out to be a foothill
The guy ponders her suggestion. And then he says, (signing), "Good! And if you want to have sex with me, just pull on my weezer one time. And if you don't want to have sex, just pull on it 50 times."
cheer up, man! the Tigers are peaking at the right time. even though the peak will probably turn out to be a foothill
amusing story
amusing story
Went out for dinner with the family and after dinner we are at a red light and a man is standing there with a sign "2 kids,I will work for food". My daughter asks why he is standing there with the sign. Well not wanting to get into a deep discussion, my wife says the man has no food and is hungry...
This is where my 6 year old son chimes in..."Well if he's hungry, he's standing right in front of Burger King."
Had to be there... I started choking...
amusing story
Went out for dinner with the family and after dinner we are at a red light and a man is standing there with a sign "2 kids,I will work for food". My daughter asks why he is standing there with the sign. Well not wanting to get into a deep discussion, my wife says the man has no food and is hungry...
This is where my 6 year old son chimes in..."Well if he's hungry, he's standing right in front of Burger King."
Had to be there... I started choking...
Two guys are walking through the forest when they come across this big hole in the ground. They look down the hole and cannot see the bottom.
"How deep do you think that is?" asks the 1st guy.
"I dunno throw something in and find out" says the 2nd guy.
So the 1st guy picks up a rock and throw's it in. they listen and they listen, they dont hear it hit the ground.
"Man thats a deep hole" the 1st guys says
"Get something bigger" says the 2nd guy.
So the 1st guy picks up a bigger rock and throws it in. They listen and they listen and they dont hear it hit the bottom.
"DAMN thats a deep hole" the 1st guy says.
"Get something bigger!" says the 2nd guy.
So they start digging around for something bigger when they stumble across a railroad tie. They muscle this thing over to the hole and together they throw it in. They listen and they listen but they dont hear it hit the ground. All of a sudden a goat comes hauling ass outta the forest and dives in the hole. They look at each other in amazement! They listen and they listen but they dont hear it hit the bottom. They begin to look for something bigger. Mean while a farmer comes walking by.
"Hey you guys seen a goat around here?" the farmer asks
"YEAH! A goat just ran out of the forest and dove in this hole!" the 1st guys says
" Couldnt have been my goat. My goat was tied off to a railroad tie!"
Subject: 100% TRUE
Think about this. You may not realize it, but it's 100% true.
1. There are at least 2 people in this world whom you would die for.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would EVER hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to SOMEONE.
7. You are special AND unique.
8. Someone who you don't even know exists, loves you.
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
10. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look.
11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks
FEMALE GOLFING TERMS
CADDY -- 2 women talking about a 3rd who isn't there to defend
herself.
CHIPPING -- Time to get our nails done again.
DOUBLE BOGIE -- "Casablanca" followed by "African Queen."
FAIRWAY -- Splitting the bill when the girls go to lunch.
GOOD LIE -- Weight on our driver's license.
GREENS -- Lunch we eat when we'd really love a cheeseburger.
HOLE-IN-ONE -- Time to get new pantyhose.
IRON -- What guys need to learn to do their own shirts.
ROUGH -- Getting a guy to understand pretty much anything.
SHAFT -- You watch the kids while he gets to go golfing.
SLICE -- "No thanks...just a sliver."
TEES -- Putting on that Victoria Secret Negligee.
WATER HAZARD -- Giving the kids too much to drink before a road
trip.
WEDGE -- Bathing suit that's too tight.
"How deep do you think that is?" asks the 1st guy.
"I dunno throw something in and find out" says the 2nd guy.
So the 1st guy picks up a rock and throw's it in. they listen and they listen, they dont hear it hit the ground.
"Man thats a deep hole" the 1st guys says
"Get something bigger" says the 2nd guy.
So the 1st guy picks up a bigger rock and throws it in. They listen and they listen and they dont hear it hit the bottom.
"DAMN thats a deep hole" the 1st guy says.
"Get something bigger!" says the 2nd guy.
So they start digging around for something bigger when they stumble across a railroad tie. They muscle this thing over to the hole and together they throw it in. They listen and they listen but they dont hear it hit the ground. All of a sudden a goat comes hauling ass outta the forest and dives in the hole. They look at each other in amazement! They listen and they listen but they dont hear it hit the bottom. They begin to look for something bigger. Mean while a farmer comes walking by.
"Hey you guys seen a goat around here?" the farmer asks
"YEAH! A goat just ran out of the forest and dove in this hole!" the 1st guys says
" Couldnt have been my goat. My goat was tied off to a railroad tie!"
Subject: 100% TRUE
Think about this. You may not realize it, but it's 100% true.
1. There are at least 2 people in this world whom you would die for.
2. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way.
3. The only reason anyone would EVER hate you is because they want to be just like you.
4. A smile from you can bring happiness to anyone, even if they don't like you.
5. Every night, SOMEONE thinks about you before they go to sleep.
6. You mean the world to SOMEONE.
7. You are special AND unique.
8. Someone who you don't even know exists, loves you.
9. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it.
10. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look.
11. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget about the rude remarks
FEMALE GOLFING TERMS
CADDY -- 2 women talking about a 3rd who isn't there to defend
herself.
CHIPPING -- Time to get our nails done again.
DOUBLE BOGIE -- "Casablanca" followed by "African Queen."
FAIRWAY -- Splitting the bill when the girls go to lunch.
GOOD LIE -- Weight on our driver's license.
GREENS -- Lunch we eat when we'd really love a cheeseburger.
HOLE-IN-ONE -- Time to get new pantyhose.
IRON -- What guys need to learn to do their own shirts.
ROUGH -- Getting a guy to understand pretty much anything.
SHAFT -- You watch the kids while he gets to go golfing.
SLICE -- "No thanks...just a sliver."
TEES -- Putting on that Victoria Secret Negligee.
WATER HAZARD -- Giving the kids too much to drink before a road
trip.
WEDGE -- Bathing suit that's too tight.
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WOMAN 63 AND PREGNANT.......
A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the first doctor was and demanded,
"What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was PREGNANT?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
A woman went to the doctor's office where she was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about 4 minutes in the examination room, she burst out, screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was, and she told him her story.
After listening, he had her sit down and relax in another room.
The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the first doctor was and demanded,
"What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you told her she was PREGNANT?"
The new doctor continued to write on his clipboard and without looking up said, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
A blonde called her boyfriend and said, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him
in and showed him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate, and then............", he sighed, "Let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
GL Chop
Her boyfriend asked, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?" The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger." Her boyfriend decided to go over and help with the puzzle. She let him
in and showed him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studied the pieces for a moment, then looked at the box, then turned to her and said, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."
He took her hand and said, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of hot chocolate, and then............", he sighed, "Let's put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."
GL Chop
The Brothel
Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin'bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin'victim to temptation as well."
Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel,and one of the Irishmen said,
"What a terrible pity... one of the girls must be quite ill."
Two Irishmen were sitting in a pub having beer and watching the brothel across the street.
They saw a Baptist minister walk into the brothel, and one of them said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see a man of the cloth goin'bad."
Then they saw a rabbi enter the brothel, and the other Irishman said, "Aye, 'tis a shame to see that the Jews are fallin'victim to temptation as well."
Then they see a catholic priest enter the brothel,and one of the Irishmen said,
"What a terrible pity... one of the girls must be quite ill."
here`s a funny true story for ya...
My grandfather, who obivoulsy is old, is from the old country (Lebanon) and came over here many many years ago. So obvioulsy he dont know the slang or anything...but anyways...about 4 or 5 years ago...he was going through downtown and I guess some girl came up to his van and asked him if he wanted some head...he said no its ok thank you...so he comes home and me and my sisters are over there and we see him looking at the mirror checking his head (the one attached to his neck) out and we ask him wtf are ya doing...he said that some girl downtown wanted to give him head and he doesnt know why cuz he doesnt see anything wrong with his....lmfao, i laughed for weeks...he found out later that head means bj
My grandfather, who obivoulsy is old, is from the old country (Lebanon) and came over here many many years ago. So obvioulsy he dont know the slang or anything...but anyways...about 4 or 5 years ago...he was going through downtown and I guess some girl came up to his van and asked him if he wanted some head...he said no its ok thank you...so he comes home and me and my sisters are over there and we see him looking at the mirror checking his head (the one attached to his neck) out and we ask him wtf are ya doing...he said that some girl downtown wanted to give him head and he doesnt know why cuz he doesnt see anything wrong with his....lmfao, i laughed for weeks...he found out later that head means bj
Thanks fellas, that's what I needed...
Thanks fellas, that's what I needed...
Those stories/jokes really did it for me...Thanks guys...Great "head" story hellah10!!!!
Thanks fellas, that's what I needed...
Those stories/jokes really did it for me...Thanks guys...Great "head" story hellah10!!!!
Not very good at joke telling but here goes...
Driver gets pulled over by a police officer for not stopping at a stop sign. Officer tells him why he was stopped then asks for liscene, registration and insurance proof. Before handing it over the driver insists on the officer telling him the difference between slowing down and stopping. After asking three times for handing over the documents and the driver insisting on being told what the difference is the officer proceeds to drag the driver out of the car and starts to beat him. After about 5 minutes the officer asks...
"Want me to slow down or stop?"
:tongue
Driver gets pulled over by a police officer for not stopping at a stop sign. Officer tells him why he was stopped then asks for liscene, registration and insurance proof. Before handing it over the driver insists on the officer telling him the difference between slowing down and stopping. After asking three times for handing over the documents and the driver insisting on being told what the difference is the officer proceeds to drag the driver out of the car and starts to beat him. After about 5 minutes the officer asks...
"Want me to slow down or stop?"
:tongue
short
short
a horse walks into a bar......the bartender says......"why the long face?".................
rimshot...
short
a horse walks into a bar......the bartender says......"why the long face?".................
rimshot...
brains
brains
A three year old boy was in his bath
and while examining his testicles asked
"Mommy, are THESE my brains?"
Mom said, (scroll down)
!
!
!
!
"Not yet, honey."
brains
A three year old boy was in his bath
and while examining his testicles asked
"Mommy, are THESE my brains?"
Mom said, (scroll down)
!
!
!
!
"Not yet, honey."
a few more
a few more
A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell, and say, "Here's your husband!" The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?".....................
A guy says, "I'm so old that I forgot how old I am." An old woman says, "I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over." The man does this. The woman says, "You're seventy four." The man says, "How can you tell?" The woman says, "You told me yesterday."................
henny....
a few more
A man is at the bar, drunk. I pick him up off the floor, and offer to take him home. On the way to my car, he falls down three times. When I get to his house, I help him out of the car, and on the way to the front door, he falls down four more times. I ring the bell, and say, "Here's your husband!" The man's wife says, "Where's his wheelchair?".....................
A guy says, "I'm so old that I forgot how old I am." An old woman says, "I'll tell you how old you are. Take off your clothes and bend over." The man does this. The woman says, "You're seventy four." The man says, "How can you tell?" The woman says, "You told me yesterday."................
henny....
Little Johnny came into the bathroom while his mother was getting out of the shower. "Mommy, what's that?", asked the lad while pointing to her crotch. "That is my wash cloth, replied the woman."
The next week Little Johnny again walked into the bathroom and this time asked "Where is your wash cloth?" "I lost it," replied the woman, (She had shaved it off.)
A few days later Little Johnny came into the kitchen smiling at his Mother while she was cooking. "I found your wash cloth," said Little Johnny. "Oh, and where might that be?" asked the amused housewife.
"Its next door," replied Johnny. "The neighbor Lady found it and she's using it to clean Daddy's face."
The next week Little Johnny again walked into the bathroom and this time asked "Where is your wash cloth?" "I lost it," replied the woman, (She had shaved it off.)
A few days later Little Johnny came into the kitchen smiling at his Mother while she was cooking. "I found your wash cloth," said Little Johnny. "Oh, and where might that be?" asked the amused housewife.
"Its next door," replied Johnny. "The neighbor Lady found it and she's using it to clean Daddy's face."