I'm In Desperate Need Of Some Jokes...

[AR182]

car accident

car accident

chanman,

very funny!!

Two drivers were involved in a car accident; it was a bad one.

Both cars were totally demolished but amazingly neither of the drivers were seriously hurt.

After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, "So you're a man.

That's interesting.

I'm a woman.

Wow, just look at our cars!

There's nothing left, but we're unhurt.

This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

Flattered, the man replied, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this; here's another miracle.

My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break.

Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she handed the bottle to the man.

The man nodded his head in agreement, opened it and drank half the bottle and handed it back to the woman.

The woman took the bottle and immediately put the cap back on, and again handed it back to the man.

The man asked, "Aren't you having any?"

The woman replied, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police.... "

 

[AR182]

hotel phones

hotel phones

A gentleman staying at the Ritz Hotel in London returned to his room and removed a card he was handed on the street, as he exited a telephone box on Piccadilly.

The card was offering sexual services.

Curious, back at his hotel he rang the number.

A lady with a silky soft voice answered and asked if she could be of assistance.

The gentleman said, "I'd like a blow job, some missionary work, a little doggie-style, some mild bondage, finishing off with a pearl necklace. What do you think?"

The lady replied, "I think it sounds intriguing, sir, but you might
like to press 9 first to get an outside line.

 

[Chopsticks]

AR182

AR182

That last one was a good one...Another joke for the work week coming up...

 

[lostinamerica]

A physician claims these are actual comments from his patients made while he was performing colonoscopies:

1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
2. "Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
5. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
6. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
7. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do the Hokey Pokey...."
8. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
9. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
10. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
11. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
12. "Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"

 

[cisco]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a
coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his
bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come
nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,
"You know what? You have been with me all through the
bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me. When
my business failed, you were there. When I got shot,
you were by my side. When we lost the house, you
stayed right here. When my health started failing, you
were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart
began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."